Cotillion

‘Thank you, I was never better in my life,’ said Hugh. ‘May we know what has brought you to Arnside?’

Lord Biddenden stirred impatiently. ‘Oh, play off no airs for our benefit!’ he begged. ‘It is as plain as a pikestaff why he is here!’

‘I hesitate to contradict you, George, but I am far more inclined to suppose that Freddy does not know for what purpose he was invited here.’

Mr Standen, who had turned to observe himself in the spotted mirror over the fireplace, discovered that his neckcloth needed an infinitesimal adjustment. Until this delicate operation had been performed, it was plainly useless to address questions to him. Hugh tapped his foot against the floor, his lip curling disdainfully; and Biddenden, who had himself a great inclination towards dandyism, watched with reluctant appreciation the deft straightening of a cravat which had roused his admiration at the outset. He held the poorest opinion of his cousin Freddy’s mental ability, but he always took covert note of any new fashion Freddy adopted, and very often copied it; and he would not for an instant have denied that Freddy’s rulings on such matters were worthy of respect. ‘Schultz make that coat?’ he asked.

‘Weston, George: never let another snyder cut my coats! Mind, if I wanted sporting toggery—’

‘You have not yet answered my question!’ interrupted Hugh. ‘What has brought you here?’

‘Hired chaise,’ said Freddy. ‘Thought of driving myself down, but too far for the tits. Bad weather, too.’

‘I shall not gratify you by explaining my meaning,’ said Hugh contemptuously. ‘You know quite well what it is.’

‘I came in my own carriage,’ offered Lord Dolphinton. ‘We changed horses twice, and I had a hot brick to keep my feet warm, and a shawl round my shoulders. I shall have another hot brick put in the carriage when I go back. I shall tell Stobhill to attend to it. My mother said that was what I should do, and I shall do it. Stobhill will know how to set about it.’

‘I imagine the task need not strain his powers unduly!’ said Biddenden snappishly.

‘Some people,’ said Dolphinton, ‘don’t heat the bricks right through.’ He thought for a moment, and added: ‘Some people heat ’em too much.’

‘Fact of the matter is, old fellow,’ said Freddy, entering into the spirit of this, ‘it’s a dashed difficult thing to do. You leave it to Stobhill!’

‘Well, that’s what I shall do,’ said Dolphinton, much gratified. ‘I’m glad you’ve come, Freddy. Sensible fellow. You going to offer for Kitty?’

‘That’s it,’ replied Freddy.

‘You know what?’ said Dolphinton. ‘I hope she takes you. Wouldn’t take Hugh. Wouldn’t take me. George didn’t offer. Couldn’t, because he’s married. Can’t think why he came. Wasn’t invited, you know.’

Hugh said, with a certain deepening of his mellifluous voice: ‘We are to believe that, Freddy? You have indeed come for that purpose? I own, I had not thought it of you!’

‘Well, if it comes to that,’ said Freddy, ‘I hadn’t thought it of you! Never took you for a downy one. Daresay I was misled by those bands of yours: very likely thing to happen!’

‘My motive in offering the protection of my name to our unfortunate young cousin is not, I assure you, a mercenary one.’

‘Not our cousin,’ objected Lord Dolphinton. ‘George said she wasn’t. Said my uncle told us so. I didn’t follow it all myself, but that’s what George said.’

No one paid any heed to this remark. Biddenden said with some asperity: ‘This is a new come-out for you, Freddy! Pray, since when have you been hanging out for a rich wife?’

‘Took a sudden notion to get married,’ explained Freddy, extemporizing cunningly. ‘Must have an heir!’

‘As your father is in the prime of life,’ said Biddenden, with heavy sarcasm, ‘and has two other sons beside yourself—’

‘Too young to be married,’ Freddy pointed out. ‘Well, look at it! Charlie’s up at Oxford, and Edmund ain’t even at Eton yet!’

‘I can tell you now that you have wasted your time! If the girl means to marry any other than Jack, you may call me a zany!’

‘Now, that’s where you’re wrong!’ said Freddy, speaking with authority. ‘It ain’t Jack: doesn’t seem to like him above half.’

Biddenden gave a snort. ‘She’s piqued, I don’t doubt. That she doesn’t hanker after him you will find it hard to make me believe! As for her entertaining for an instant the thought of marrying you—! Upon my soul, I have not been so much diverted since I came to this damned, cold house!’

‘Lay you a monkey she takes me!’ offered Freddy.

‘You must be out of your senses! If you imagine she will accept you for the sake of a title, you much mistake the matter! She has refused Dolphinton already, and he, as he will be only too ready to inform you, is an Earl!’

He had no sooner uttered these words than he regretted them. Lord Dolphinton, who had shown signs of relapsing into the state of suspended animation natural to him, responded as to a clarion-call. ‘Only Earl in the family,’ he said. ‘Thought she’d like it. Good thing to be a Countess. Don’t see it myself, but that’s what my mother says. Must know, because she’s a Countess. Seems to like it pretty well. No good Freddy’s offering. Only be a Viscount. That’s better than a Baron, but George don’t count in any case. Can’t think why he came.’

‘If you say once more that I was not invited,’ exploded the much-tried Biddenden, ‘I will not be answerable for the consequences!’