Dad Bod (Under Construction 1)

“Why you lettin’ shit get heavy for, Carter? It’s fuckin’ Thanksgiving. You’re surrounded by two of the sexiest motherfuckers in all of Tybee Island, some hot ass women in the kitchen cookin’ us pies and shit. A cute as hell kid causin’ anarchy all in ya house. Be thankful, ya dickhead.”

Carter stands and collects the empties litterin’ the garage floor. He drops the bottles in the trash then opens the fridge, callin’ out, “’Nother round, assholes?”

The back door flies open, the sound of the doorknob shatterin’ the fuckin’ sheetrock. That will be a fun hole to patch. “Carter Jase Kincaid, why the hell did you eat a banana!” Laney squalls, her face contorted in absolute manic anger.

“Erhm, uhm… Well, you … uhm…”

“Motherfuck, you’re worse than the toddlers at the preschool. Use your words, Carter!”

He looks over his shoulder at Mav and me, then back at Lan. “Well, honey, you were busy cookin’ and I was hungry, and you told me—wait, let me quote you ‘Grab something quick and get the fuck outta my kitchen, you sorry bastard.’ A banana seemed like the safest thing within my reach, and I was quickly outta ya way. So what’s the damn problem, Lan?” He slams the fridge door and widens his stance, ready to square off with her.

“I fuckin’ love it when they squabble. Laney is hot as shit when she’s pissed.”

I shoot Maverick a dismissive glare and shake my head.

“Publix! We’re goin’ to Publix, Lan! Everything will be fine once we get to Publix.” Jordan cuts between Carter and Laney, keeping a wide distance between the two as she drags Laney behind her. “Hey, honey, can you watch the pie in the oven, please! I’m gonna try to salvage what is left of this maniacal holiday, come hell or high water!” Jo laughs against my lips. I swat her on the ass as she walks away and climbs into her Jeep.

She’s a brave one, takin’ Laney any-damn-where when she’s showin’ her ass like that.

A wild sizzle pulls our attention back to the turkey fryer, oil spilling over the edge of the pot and splatterin’ against the garage floor.

“FUCK!” Maverick yells, pullin’ the hook out of the oil—without a damn oven mitt on, mind you. He releases the metal, the turkey plummets to the ground, and the ear-piercin’ cry from Belle’s mouth can be heard all about the neighborhood. “Not the bird!”

“Damn it all to hell, that motherfuckin’ burns.” Maverick’s vocabulary is so colorful.

“Unk, how many five dollas do Mav owe me now?” Belle chirps, trying to count on her fingers. Carter ignores her as he races inside the house. It’s such a flurry of commotion, I don’t know where to focus. Until I see Mav’s hand, blistered up.

“Shi—

crap, Mav, you probably need to go to the hospital. That’s a third-degree burn!”

Carter returns to the garage with a platter, trying to save the damn turkey. “Belly, help Unk! Mention none of this to aunty and I’ll give you all the five dollar bills you want!”

“Carter—” He thrusts his palm in my direction as he carries the turkey inside, Belle hot on his heels.

She pumps her arms into her sides and cheers, “I’m gonna be truckin’ rich!”

“Come on, man, I gotta get you to the hospital.” I grab Maverick’s elbow and try to pull him toward my truck. “Fuck.” Bryn walks up the driveway, swingin’ a bunch of bananas. I know there’s no way in hell I’ll get Maverick to leave.

“Play it cool, asshole,” he orders, crossin’ his arms over his chest.

“You’re a dumb fuck.”

“Butter. That cures burns, right?” He side-eyes me as he smirks at Bryn. “How you doin’, honey?”

“Ugh!” She rolls her eyes in disgust.

“Hey, Laney and Jo will be right back. They went to Publix to get bananas.”

“Which is why I’m here early. She called in a meltdown over banana puddin’. So now I get to deal with the three stooges while they’re in town?” I shrug. “And what’s wrong with this one?” She nods toward Maverick. I look his way and notice the sweat beadin’ off his brow.

“He just pulled the turkey outta the fryer. Probably a little overheated.”

“She let y’all cook?” I nod. “Jesus help me. We’re all gonna have food poisonin’,” she groans as she heads inside.

“You’re fucked, you know that, right?” I look at Maverick and deadpan as Jo and Laney pull in the driveway.

“Google what to put on a burn and save my ass.”