God of Temptation (Immortal Matchmakers, Inc)

“So if there’s no way to reverse the explosion, does that mean they’re dead?” asked Tula.

Votan replied, “We do not know. K’ak is working with the various immortal groups to explore solutions.” He shrugged. “Oh, and we are following a lead on an individual the sex fairies mentioned. They say she was unaccounted for after the blast, which means—”

“She survived,” Cimil concluded.

“Yes,” Votan agreed. “And if we find her, she may be able to give us some insights on a way to reverse the effects of the blast.”

“It is of the utmost strategic importance to find her and any information leading to the restoration of vampirism,” Cimil said. “They are an essential weapon in our army.”

Everyone stared at Cimil, blinking.

“I’m sorry,” said Forgetty, who was now the Goddess of Bees and wearing Colel’s giant beehive hat, “but am I the only one who’s completely mindfucked listening to Cimil speak like a sane person?”

“No,” said Máax, the ex-God of Time Travel, who was still unsure whose gifts he’d ended up with. “Because nothing is more disturbing than watching Chuck dry hump your nose.”

Chuck was a fat little honeybee belonging to the immortal hive.

“Seriously,” Forgetty said, “I can’t get him to stop.” She flicked Chuck off her nose, but he flew right back and started grinding on the tip of her nose again. “See?”

Zac watched in horror, especially because the other bees seemed to be cheering him on.

“He’s just really excited to have a new mistress,” Colel said. “I guess my nose got boring for him after seventy millennia. Chuck, sweetie, why don’t you give Forgetty’s face a rest? As a favor to me? For old times’ sake?”

Chuck ignored her and kept on with his sexy beezness.

“Eh-hem,” Tula cleared her throat, “may I say something?”

“Sure,” said Ixtab, coughing up a fireball and extinguishing it by smothering the thing between two hands.

“Y’all are just sitting around, acting like this is normal, but it’s not. You can’t stay like this with everyone’s powers switched around. I mean, you may not like the gifts you had, but you’ve all worked hard to learn how to use them. They’ve become part of who you are.” Tula exhaled. “I know I’m just a little old human—”

“You are much more than that, my love,” said Zac, because it was true. She was his world now.

“Thank you, honey pie,” said Tula. “But I see a lot of items on the agenda today, and this is not one of them. I think, eventually, you’re all going to have to find a solution to this.”

Maybe Tula was right. Zac didn’t mind his new gifts, since he was still a manly badass, but he could tell his brethren were not well. Votan, for example, was doodling hearts on his notepad. That’s just not right.

“Unfortunately,” said Ixy, “even if we wanted to fix it, I’m not sure how. We’ve sealed the demon portals for good. And even if they weren’t closed off, so many of us went through at the same time, everything’s mixed up. Cimil used to have twenty or more different powers, and now they’re spread out. Votan had six different powers, and we’re not even sure where they all went. Then there’s the issue that some of us still don’t know what powers we ended up with, so how would we even attempt to give those back to the right person?” Ixy sighed. “I think, for now, we have to stick to the agenda.”

She pointed to the screen, and everyone’s faces grew very serious.

Retirement. Zac had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, he felt it was time. Time to let go and allow humankind to take the reins. Hell, most of the crises they faced were caused by the gods. Things might actually be better if he and his brethren stepped aside.

Cimil spoke up first. “I would like to personally say I am sorry for all the disasters I’ve caused, and I would like to also say ‘you’re welcome’ for all the disasters I fixed. But I have made a promise to Roberto and my evil seeds to hang up the gloves. We do not know if he’ll ever be a vampire again, and while I do have the option to make him a demigod under the mate clause, he does not wish it, nor does it solve the issue for my children, who I know would not be approved to become demigods. Since they are tiny bundles of psycho joy. Wouldn’t have it any other way. However, it all leads back to the same conundrum. We want to make the most of our time together. We have decided to live like a traditional human family.”

Zac tried not to laugh. Cimil was the furthest thing from traditional anything. But gods bless her for trying.

“I too wish to retire,” said Votan. “For the same reasons Cimil cited.”