“I just didn’t want to make things harder on you than I already have.” His brows dip low and his lips thin into a flat line. “You already help me with so much, and I just—” I glance away, swallowing hard before looking back at him. “I guess I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
Levi runs his free hand down his face. “See you like this,” he says, shaking his head. “Laney, that’s not what it’s about. It’s about me needing to be here, me wanting to be here. Every single time that you’ve come, I’ve wanted to be here, and it has killed me to hear about Luke or Benny or Mia getting to sit with you.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” My voice cracks and I squeeze his hand.
“I wanted you to want me here, Lane. I wanted you to ask me to come because you need me to be here as much as I need to be here.”
“I’m sorry,” I cry, wiping furiously at the tears that are once again tracking down my face. I yank him to me so I can bury my face in his chest. “I’m so sorry. I wanted you here so bad.”
“Shhhh.” He strokes a hand down the back of my head several times before dropping it to my back. “It’s okay,” he croons. “I’m not mad, but I couldn’t stand the thought of going another day. So I texted Mia this morning and told her whoever was scheduled needed to come up with a reason to stay home, because I was going to be the one sitting with you from now on.” I nod my head against his chest, still too caught up in my emotions to say anything.
“If this is too much . . . if it’s ever too much—”
“You’re my salvation, Laney, my miracle,” he interrupts gently. “I told you I was doing this with you, and I meant it. If you cry, I cry. If you break, I break.”
“If I die?” I whisper breathlessly.
“Then you’ll take me with you because you’ve ruined me, Laney. I’m no good for anyone else because you own me. So if you go, I go.” I know he’s only speaking figuratively. Levi would never do anything to hurt himself, but it both breaks and warms my heart to know that he’s going through this with me. “But you’re not going to die. You’re going to survive this, because you’re a fighter and that’s what fighters do—they survive. Plus, you’re too darn stubborn and I know that you won’t let this take you down.”
“I love you so much, Le
vi.” I fist his shirt, anchoring myself to the one person that I need more than anyone else in this entire world. “I feel like the words aren’t even enough . . . that they don’t do justice to what I feel for you.” Tears are still running down my face, but we’ve both stopped trying to catch them—there’s just no use. At least they’re happy tears, and right now, that’s what matters. “I don’t ever want to lose you,” I stress, pulling him in as close as he can get. His hand wraps around the back of my head and he places three slow, chaste kisses to my lips before pulling back.
“You don’t even have to worry about that. You’re stuck with me, babe.” He kisses me once more before sitting back in his seat. Then he links his hand with mine and looks up at the IV pole. “So, this is it? This is chemotherapy, huh?”
“Yup. Real exciting, isn’t it?”
“And what do you do, just sit here and wait for it all to drip in?” he asks, looking around the room at everyone else who is hooked up as well.
“Pretty much. When that bag is empty,” I say, pointing to the IV pole, “she comes over and pushes another drug straight into my IV . . . that’s the one that usually makes me a little sick. And then I have one smaller bag and I’ll be done.”
“Wow, that sounds like a lot.” His face looks strained and I’m sure that for someone who has never seen it or known someone with cancer, this is probably a lot to take in.
“It’s not too bad.” I give his hand a gentle squeeze. “It’ll be much better for me since you’re here.”
His eyes soften and a smile tilts the side of his mouth. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” I reply.
And it was better—much better. Not to mention different than when one of the three stooges comes with me. Levi sat by my side the entire time, only getting up once to go to the bathroom. Harley talked to us a few times as she changed out my bags. I heard him whisper to her that he had a ‘keeper’ and that made me smile, even though I’m sure it wasn’t meant for my ears.
As always, the second medication made me a little sick, but Harley quickly counteracted it with an anti-nausea medication. I could tell that made Levi a little uncomfortable. As soon as I started heaving, he was all over me, asking if I was okay and wondering what he could do. When I glanced at him, he looked so helpless and it literally split my heart in two to see that look on his face. I could tell he wanted to take all of this away for me, but unfortunately that isn’t an option. So I did the only thing I could do—I told him I’d be fine and that this always happens . . . that he was doing exactly what I needed by being here with me.
By the end of the treatment, I think Levi was just as exhausted as I was. It took a toll on him in ways that I’ll probably never understand. I’ve tried several times to look at the situation through the eyes of my loved ones, but I can’t . . . it’s just different. I know that if the roles were reversed, it would be incredibly hard and I would be devastated. But right now, I can’t fully grasp the depth of what they’re feeling.
Even after we finished at the treatment center, Levi didn’t leave my side for the rest of the afternoon. He cooked me dinner, washed the dishes and then tucked me in bed, where he climbed right in behind me without saying a word. It was the first time in I-don’t-know-how-many days that I fell asleep without worrying or crying. Being wrapped up in Levi’s arms was so incredibly peaceful, and it was right then that I knew something without a shadow of a doubt. If I didn’t make it through this—if this horrible disease did take me away from this wonderful man—then I would at least die happy.
“WHAT THE HELL?” LUKE growls when Levi saunters down the hall in nothing but a faded pair of his favorite blue jeans. “Did you stay the night again?”
“Luke,” I scold, giving him my best stink eye. My lungs tighten and I cough several times, covering my mouth with my arm.
“You okay?” Luke’s face instantly transforms from annoyance to concern, and I wave him off.
“I’m fine.”
“They’re horny humpers,” Mia chimes in. I slap her on the arm and she giggles. “What?” she asks innocently. “It’s true. Why do you think I’ve been sleeping on Benny’s couch the past several weeks?”
“And you fucking snore. God, do you snore.” Mia shoots Benny a death glare and he shrugs. “You do. It’s very unladylike, Princess,” he says. Mia rolls her eyes and pours herself a cup of coffee. Levi bends down and kisses my nose before walking over to make himself a cup.