A Lover's Lament

I’m so very cold, and the feeling in my limbs is coming and going. My eyes close and won’t open again. I break out in a cold sweat. I can hear both Navas and Katie crying. Navas can’t cry… he never cries. Why the fuck is he crying?

“Tell him, Katie, maybe it’ll help. Please tell him,” Navas begs. Tell me what?

There’s silence for a moment and the wait is unbearable. The nurse is still flitting around the room and hands are ripping at my gown. What the fuck is going on?

I watch as one of the nurses nudges Katie away from the bed, but Katie nudges her way back in. “Tell me,” I somehow manage to say, using every ounce of energy I have left.

The nurse pulls at Katie’s arm again. “Ma’am, I need you step out of the way.”

“BP is 88/50. Pulse 133,” another voice calls out. Who the fuck is that?

“Give me a second,” Katie growls before cradling my face in her hands. Her eyes are puffy and she has make-up running down her cheeks, but she’s never looked so beautiful. She’s my angel.

Katie brings her mouth to my ear and whispers, “You’re going to be a daddy, Devin.”

I repeat her words over and over in my head. A father … I’m going to be a father. I’m filled with so much joy that I feel like I’m floating.

“I’m gonna be a daddy,” I say, my voice raw and scratchy. Blindly, I grab for Katie and she wraps her hand around mine.

“Yes, baby, you’re—” Her words cut off when a sob rips from her throat. She kisses my cheek and then my lips, and then she’s gone.

What happened? Where did she go?

I try to reach out again, but this time nothing happens. My eyes are burning and I can feel tears rolling down my che

eks. The thought of having a baby with Katie makes me want to smile, only when I try, my lips merely twitch.

Images flash behind my lids … Katie and I with a beautiful little girl … laughing, holding hands … kissing boo-boos …

I can see every day of the rest of my life with my perfect little family, living the life that was scripted for us by God, set in motion by Him long before we existed. And then darkness slowly creeps in. Pitch black nothing.

The unbroken buzz of a heart monitor filters through the air at the same time my body goes completely numb. My limbs become heavy before going weightless, and unless I’m dreaming, I have my legs back.

A bright white light appears out of nowhere. This light doesn’t hurt my eyes, and there’s something about it that makes me want to take it all in. I close my eyes, and when I reopen them, I see arms wide open and waiting.

“Get off me!” I scream as one of the nurses applies conducting gel to Devin’s chest. Someone has me wrapped in their arms, and when I struggle to break free, their grip tightens.

“Calm the fuck down, Katie,” Navas growls, his mouth close to my ear. He drags me toward the door, and I do the only thing I can think of to get back to Devin. Raising my leg, I slam my foot down on the top of his as hard as I can. He grunts, his body bending forward in the process, and I use his weakness against him. When he loosens his arms, I slam my elbow into his stomach.

“Son of a bitch,” he hisses, releasing his hold on me. I run straight to Devin’s bed, but I can’t get close because there are nurses surrounding him. One of them yells, “Get. Her. Out.”

Good luck, lady.

“Devin,” I cry, hoping that he can hear me. “You fight this, baby. You hear me? You’re a soldier, Devin, and soldiers fight.” A cold hand wraps around my arm, but I dart to the left, breaking free. “You promised me you’d come back to me, and damn it, you better pull through this because I need you!” Tears blur my vision and I push up on my toes, wanting to get a good look at him. “We need you!”

“Clear!”

One of the nurses steps to the side, creating an opening, and I get a glimpse of the man I love, the father of my child. His body jerks, arcing off the bed before falling limp. My blood runs cold at the sight in front of me, which instantly blurs. Tears rush down my face as a sharp pain rips through my chest. This isn’t happening. Reaching for Devin’s tags draped around my neck, I grip them tightly in my hand, needing to feel close to him—needing the comfort. My shoulders slump forward, and when I watch his body arc off the bed for a second time, my entire world shatters.

“Oh my God. No …” I whisper. Strong arms wrap around me again, and this time I don’t fight it. In a matter of seconds, I’m in the hallway burying my head in Navas’s chest. He’s rubbing my back, whispering words of hope, and I latch on to him like he’s the only thing keeping me anchored to this earth. Because, right now, he is.

“He has to be okay,” I cry, gripping the front of Navas’s shirt. “I-I can’t lose him. This wasn’t supposed to h-happen.” With each word, my cries get louder, which explains why I don’t hear it when someone walks up behind me.

A light tap on my back followed by a tug of my shirt grabs my attention, and I pull back from Navas. My eyes instantly land on … Sally. The little girl from the waiting room is looking at me, her piercing blue eyes swimming with tears. Sally’s chin trembles as her eyes rake over my face. Lifting my hand, I wipe the tears from my face, hoping that my wails didn’t somehow scare the little girl.

“You can cwy,” she whispers, tears slipping down her rosy cheeks. “But don’t fowget to pway.” Without another word, Sally reaches out her hand as though she has something to give me. Releasing my grip on Navas’s shirt, I hold out my hand and she drops something in it before spinning around and taking off toward a woman standing outside of another ICU room.

My eyes are gritty and swollen from crying, but when I look down at what the little girl gave me, a tiny spark of hope ignites deep in my soul.