A Lover's Lament

“Fine, fine, twist my arm, why don’t you? It’s chicken.”

“What?” He chuckles. “Chicken?”

“Yeah. I put chicken in the spaghetti rather than beef. It’s amazing! I’ll make it for you some time.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that.”

I hope you do, soldier. “It’ll be great. We can have a spaghetti picnic under the stars. If you’re good, I’ll even pack Cool Ranch chips and Mountain Dew.”

“You remembered,” he mumbles as though lost in thought. I nod my head, but by the time I remember I’m on the phone and he can’t actually see me, he starts talking again. “And on this picnic, will you serenade me with Backstreet Boys too?”

We both fall into a fit of laughter as we argue the age-old question of who is better—or worse, as Devin likes to say—Backstreet Boys or NSYNC. Then I go on to tell him about Bailey, why she’s upset with me, and how she ended up here tonight—leaving out the fact that Wyatt brought her. He doesn’t need to know everything.

Devin tells me some funny stories about his friend Navas, and I can tell by the way he talks about him that Navas is a good person. I’m glad that Devin has someone like that in his life—someone he can trust and talk to that’s there with him, day in and day out. If I’m being honest, I’m a little jealous that I’ve been replaced, and then I wonder if that’s how Devin feels when I go on and on about Maggie.

Devin is yawning nearly every other word, and when I glance at the clock in my kitchen, I notice that we’ve been on the phone for nearly an hour. “You sound exhausted. What time is it there?”

“Ummm …” The phone buzzes and crackles a few more times. “Almost two-fifteen.”

“In the morning? Oh my gosh, Devin, why didn’t you tell me I was keeping you up?”

“Because I wanted to talk you, Katie.” My shoulders relax, but I still feel bad. He probably has to get up at the asscrack of dawn. “And trust me, I don’t sleep much anyway.”

“We’re going to discuss that the next time we talk,” I say, causing him to chortle. “But I’m letting you go because you need to get some sleep.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Neither of us says a word or makes the first move to hang up. I’m instantly transported into the ‘you hang up, no, you hang up’ antics we used to play as children, before his mom disconnected their phone. “I’ll try and call you again soon,” he says.

“You better.”

“Katie?”

“Yeah?” Walking into the living room, I curl up in the recli

ner and lean my head back, closing my eyes.

“This was—”

“Great,” I interrupt. “It was great.” He mumbles in agreement, and suddenly I feel the need to ask him about us. I need to know if he feels this connection or if it’s just in my head, because I can feel myself starting to fall again. And wouldn’t it be a bitch if there was no one there to catch me?

“Devin?”

“Yeah?”

“This friendship … it’s, um … I mean, I feel like …” I bite my lip, frustrated that I can’t seem to put into words everything that I’m thinking and feeling. Taking a deep breath, I reach down deep, grasping whatever courage I can find. “Since your first letter to me, I’ve felt … I just …”

“I feel it, Katie.”

Everything around me blurs as tears fill my eyes. “You do? Because I feel it, and it’s powerful and overwhelming and I thought I had moved past it, and then all of a sudden, there it was again, and ... ”

Devin sighs, a rush of air sounding through the phone. “God, Katie. I don’t know how to explain it, but you’re not alone. I feel the same way, only I knew that I never moved past it. Believe me, I tried because I thought it was best, but it’s always been there for me. Why do you think I was so quick to reply to your letter when I tossed all the other letters away?” My heart constricts. I had no idea he’d tossed other letters away ... he didn’t tell me that. “And yes, it’s powerful and overwhelming, but in a good way. Christ, what we had … I’d never felt anything like it before, and now, there just aren’t words for it.”

I sniff, wiping my face with my arm. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am to hear you say that. I didn’t know … I thought maybe it was just me. That maybe I was making it so much more than it was—”

“It’s everything.” His voice grows thick with emotion. “Whatever this is between us … it’s big, Katie. Bigger than you, bigger than me … and ten years hasn’t changed that.”