A Lover's Lament

She huffs and cocks her head to the side. Those three little words must not have been what she was expecting. “I’m sorry, Katie. There, I said it. I’m sorry for pushing you and for getting mad about the whole Wyatt thing. You were right, it wasn’t my business. I just—”

My phone rings, cutting her off, and both of our eyes dart to the tiny silver contraption as it jumps across the table with each vibration. My heart stutters to a complete stop, and much like every other time my phone rings, adrenaline pumps through my veins. Closing my eyes, I attempt to calm myself down, but it doesn’t work. It never fucking works.

“Here.” My eyes pop open in time to see Bailey reach for my cell. She looks at the screen and then up at me. “Unknown number. Want me to hit ‘ignore’?”

“NO!” Lunging forward, I snatch the phone from her hand, flip it open and push it against my ear. “Hello?”

“Katie.” His voice cracks through the line; it’s the sweetest fucking sound I’ve ever heard. Tears spring to my eyes and my trembling hand flies to my mouth. All of the tension instantly drains from my body as I slump against the cabinets and slide to the floor in a blubbering mess.

Bailey pushes from the table, runs across the room and drops to her knees beside me, enveloping me in her arms. The faint sound of Devin’s voice filters through the phone, but I can’t hear him over the cries coming from my mouth.

“Devin,” I gasp in between sobs. “Oh, God. I didn’t ...” A strangled moan rips through my lungs, my body rocking forward as my mind finally allows me to believe that this is real.

He’s alive.

“Please don’t cry, Katie. I’m okay.” Devin’s voice is soft and gentle, and I can tell by the hitch in his voice that he’s feeling just as emotional as I am. My lungs fight to suck in air, and when I’m finally able to catch my breath, my eyes look heavenward and I mouth a silent ‘thank you’ to whomever has been listening to my prayers. Looking down, I find Bailey watching me questioningly, and I give her a tremulous smile and nod. She slowly releases her hold and kisses me on the cheek before walking out of the room, presumably to give me privacy.

“I can’t help it.” I hiccup as I fight past the burning in my chest to just speak. “The explosion … and then the line went dead … you never called or emailed, and I had no way to get ahold of you, and …” With each word, the tears are returning at full force, emotion clogging my throat. “I thought you were gone. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again, and—”

“And now you’re hearing from me,” he breathes. “Because I’m okay. Shit, Katie, I can’t stand to hear you cry.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay.” My voice is thick—strangled. “You have no idea what went through my head, Devin. I just got you back, and then the thought of losing you, it …” The words fell from my mouth before I even had a chance to process what I was saying, but now that they’re out there, I don’t regret saying them. Because it’s true. He’s back in my heart—hell, he never fucking left.

“I don’t want to lose you,” I whisper, batting away my tears. Devin’s breathing sounds labored and heavy as though the weight of the world was just lifted from his shoulders.

“You’re not going to lose me, Katie,” he vows. “Getting ahold of you, getting back to you, it’s all I thought about. You were all I thought about.” We both go quiet but the faint sounds of sniffling and heavy breathing still pass through the line. I’m not sure who’s doing what, but I honestly don’t care.

“I got your emails.”

I suck in a breath and hold it. Did he put together my hidden message?

“Did you mean it?” For the first time since reconnecting with Devin, he sounds unsure, and I hate that sound in his voice. It’s something I don’t ever want to hear again, not when it comes to us.

“Yes.” I nod, even though no one is around to see it.

“I need to hear you say it, Katie.”

“I want us.” I infuse as much conviction as I can into those three little words, and Devin must catch on to it, because a huge sigh filters through the phone. “I want you,” I continue, needing him to know how much this means to me—how much he means to me. “I’ve never stopped wanting you, Dev.”

“God, Katie”—a string of incoherent words fall from his mouth before he clears his throat—“I can’t tell you how bad I’ve wanted to hear you say that. And I feel the same way. You own my fucking heart, Katie. You always have and that’s never going to change.”

Tears are dripping down my face, but I’m unable to keep myself from chuckling. Not because what he said is funny but out of pure happiness. This euphoria is something I haven’t felt in a long-ass time, and it’s leaving me with a feeling of giddiness. “Now what?”

“Now we wait until I get to come home. It's gonna be the longest few months of my entire fucking life," he says with a laugh.

“And then what?” I ask, needing to hear him say what my heart desperately wants to hear. “When you go on leave, then what?”

“Then I’m coming home … to you. And we’re going to make up for every fucking second of the last ten years.”

I nod, brushing at the never-ending stream of tears. Best thing I’ve heard in … ten years. I’m aware that when he goes on leave it doesn’t mean that his tour is over, but one step at a time. We’ll deal with that later.

Taking a deep breath, I hold it in and then blow it out slowly. This is really happening. “I like the sound of that. A lot.”

“Katie?”

“Hmmm?”

“I don’t have a lot of time to talk because we’re getting ready to leave on mission, but I want you to know that if I could’ve called after the explosion, I would have. You know that, right?”