A Lover's Lament

“Say it again,” he says, threading his fingers into my hair.

“I love you.” My lips land on his for a soft kiss. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

His face scrunches up as though my words physically hurt him, and I pull back. But before I can ask what’s wrong, he says, “I’m so sorry, Katie. For everything.”

“Shhhh.” I press my finger against his mouth, but he easily shakes me off.

“I need to get this out. Please, just let me get this out.” I understand he has things he wants to say, but I’m just not sure I want to hear them anymore. He said he was sorry and I believe him. That should be enough, right?

But the determination I see on his face tells me this is a fight I won’t win. “Okay,” I whisper, cupping my hand around his neck, drawing his mouth to mine. “I want to say something first though.” He nods, but his face is still drawn tight as though the words he needs to say are weighing heavily on his shoulders. “It doesn’t matter what you say. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter why you left. What matters is that you’re here now, and when you tell me you’re sorry, I know you’re telling the truth because I can see it in your eyes.” I kiss him once, tw

ice and then a third time before pulling back.

“You’re perfect, you know that?”

“No, I’m not.” I sigh. “But I sure do like hearing it. In fact, feel free to tell me that every single day for the rest of my life.”

His eyes widen at my off-handed mention of the future, but he doesn’t miss a beat. “Are you talking forever, Katie?”

“Forever isn’t enough,” I whisper, draping my arm over his back. The breath rushes from his lungs and I smile to myself.

“I don’t deserve you.” That’s bullshit. I open my mouth to tell him that, but he pushes his finger against my mouth, the same way I did a few moments ago. “Listen. I just need you to listen, okay?”

I nod, his finger still pressed to my lips.

“Good girl.” Devin lets his hand fall, but it doesn’t travel far. He props himself up on an elbow, his other hand resting firmly on my hip. “You were my world growing up. I lived in a house, but I never had a home … you were my home, Katie.” Tears spring to my eyes, and when one slides down my face, he gently wipes it away.

“I knew I wasn’t good enough for you, but I was selfish so I had every intention of keeping you anyway.” Devin’s eyes dart to the side as though he’s contemplating his next words. When they find me again, I can see the uncertainty. Whatever it is he’s about to say may very well impact me more than I think. “Until I talked to your dad.”

“My dad?” My brows furrow and I push up, mimicking his position. “What does my dad have to do with it?”

“Remember that last night?” I give him the patented are-you-kidding-me look and his eyes soften. “Sorry, of course you do. Anyway, I watched you walk into the house, and I was getting ready to pull away when your dad walked up.”

He did? How did I not know this? “I didn’t know he was even outside that night.”

“Trust me,” he says. “I didn’t either. He scared the hell out of me.”

“What did he say?” I ask. My nerves are already kicking in, adrenaline flowing in waves through my veins, because I have absolutely no idea what my dad could’ve had to do with Devin leaving me without a trace. Daddy knew how much Devin meant to me; he would have never done something to jeopardize what we had.

Would he?

Devin’s head drops. “He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. But the way he presented it—”

“What? What did he say?”

“He wanted the best for you, Katie. He wanted you to have a husband that could provide you with the kind of life you deserve, and he and I both knew I wasn’t that guy. Wyatt was that guy for you, and your dad thought the same thing.” I cringe at his words, but he continues. “I knew that if I saw you again, that if I talked to you about it, you’d tell me it was all a bunch of shit.”

“Because it is all a bunch of shit.”

“I know,” he breathes, dragging his eyes back to mine. “Trust me, I know. It’s my biggest regret in life. It’s the one thing I would give anything to go back and change, but you have to understand where I was coming from. I was living a shitty life with an even shittier mother, and I was being forced to move a thousand miles away. There was no way I was going to be able to afford to go to college, let alone get a decent job, and I didn’t want to hold you back. I wanted you to have the gorgeous house with the white picket fence and two point four kids.”

“But I only wanted you.”

“I know.” He takes a deep breath. “I know that now. But at the time, my head wasn’t in a good spot, and I knew that the only way to give you a clean break was to leave and not come back. And trust me, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Devin’s chin quivers, the movement so slight I almost miss it. I have no doubt that he feels awful for leaving me the way that he did. “You broke my heart.”

“I know. I broke my heart too. I thought about you every fucking second of every fucking day, and if Mom had had a phone, I probably would’ve called and begged for forgiveness the first chance I got. But she didn’t. Hell, I couldn’t even afford to call you from a payphone. Things were rough there for a while, and honestly, I’m glad you didn’t have to see it. It’s a good thing you weren’t there, because I would’ve leaned on you way too much.”