Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

Logan made an attempt at a smile, but it was more of a grimace. “She was under the impression that everything is fine between us.”

I was growing impatient with this. “So what?” I hadn’t wanted to explain the mess to Emily, especially since I had enough to discuss with her with Adam’s proposal, so I had told her everything was still good between Logan and me. The thought of Adam’s proposal sparked a thought, and with growing horror, I realized that Emily could have mentioned it to Logan if she assumed he already knew about it.

“So she happened to mention how conflicted you were about Adam’s proposal. She was wondering what my opinion of it was.”

The distance between Logan and I diminished quickly as he stalked closer to me, and I had to resist the urge to step back. “That’s why you’re here? It’s none of your business.” I tried to make my voice nonchalant, but anxiety was mounting as Logan came closer. His jaw was tight and his blue eyes were stormy.

“I beg to differ. It is my business. Everything that has to do with you is my business.”

“Are you crazy?” Instead of a barb, it was a genuine question. I was confused by his intensity and the possessiveness I saw in his expression.

“I’m crazy for sitting by for the last three years, just hoping you’d come to your senses on your own. When I first got into contact with you again, you were just starting to date that moron, and I thought it would fizzle out on its own before it really began. Instead, you let him latch onto you, and I’ve been stuck humoring that idiot for three years, waiting for you to realize he was wrong for you.”

I gaped at him, shocked by what he was saying. Although he had revealed his true feelings about our platonic friendship when we had fought at the Brooks’ home, I had no idea how far-reaching it was. It was hard to believe that he had been harboring these feelings for three years. For so long, I had truly thought he was content to be just friends.

He narrowed his eyes. “Now you’re actually considering spending the rest of your life with this guy. I should be the one asking if you’re crazy.”

I was jarred out of my stupor by his biting words. “Despite what you may think, this is none of your business. My relationship with Adam, and whether or not I marry him, has nothing to do with you. You knew from the beginning that I wanted nothing but friendship from you. It’s not my fault that you wanted otherwise this whole entire time.”

Logan grabbed my shoulders, his grip almost painful as his eyes bored into mine. “Tell me there’s nothing between us. Tell me you feel nothing for me besides friendship and I’ll disappear from your life, and you can ride off into the sunset with that fucking asshole.”

It should be easy to tell him exactly that to get rid of him. Reliving Cassie’s death yesterday had reinforced the fact that I didn’t deserve to have him in my life. I barely deserved his friendship, let alone the chance to pursue something more. My brain ordered my mouth to say the words, to tell him that there was nothing between us, but my voice wouldn’t cooperate.

I saw a flare of triumph in his eyes when I remained silent, and his head lowered with purpose. I staggered back before he could kiss me, freeing myself from his grasp in a panic. Even if I couldn’t say the words out loud, I knew I could never allow myself to cross that line with him again.

“We can’t,” I choked out. “You know why. Don’t you even remember what yesterday was?”

Logan briefly closed his eyes, and his jaw worked like he was trying to get control of his emotions. When he opened his eyes again, he looked calmer but no less intense.

“Madison, of course I remember what yesterday was. It was difficult to not contact you, but I didn’t think you’d welcome it. It was a hard day for me, too, but how long are you going to hold yourself responsible for Cassie’s death? It’s been eight years. It’s time to forgive yourself. Don’t get me wrong. I know how hard it is. I tortured myself for a long time afterwards, trying to think of what I could have done to save her. In the end, I truly believe nothing we could have done would have made a difference.”

A rage and sorrow that I didn’t even know was building inside me burst, and in that moment I hated Logan as much as I hated myself.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I cried out, my voice ragged with emotion. “We killed her! You were her fucking boyfriend who cheated on her! And I’m the one you cheated with! Why do you think she killed herself? Because she realized that the two people she cared about most in the world betrayed her! We may as well have slit her wrists for her.”

Tears strea

med down my face, and I desperately tried to control my sobs, but I couldn’t muffle the voice inside my head. You killed her, it accused tauntingly. You killed her, and you can never forgive yourself for it. You’ll spend the rest of your life hating yourself because that’s what you deserve.

Logan’s face had turned ashen and he shook his head. “Maddie, no. She didn’t know. That’s not why she killed herself.”

“How do you know?” I screamed, no longer able to keep the sobs at bay as despair wracked my body. “Why else would she have ended her life?”

Logan raised an arm to reach out to me, but I instinctively flinched, not wanting him to touch me. His hand dropped and I saw a mixture of sorrow and guilt on his face.

“I’m sure she didn’t know. How could she? We have no idea why she killed herself. She didn’t leave a note explaining why she did it. She wasn’t the happy-go-lucky person she tried to make everyone believe she was. She had bouts of depression she never told anyone about. I only knew because she couldn’t hold it in anymore, and one day, she broke down in front of me. I had no idea it would lead to suicide.” Logan’s voice broke as he continued to speak. “Do you know how much I beat myself up afterwards? I should have said something to someone. To you or her parents. I should have gotten her help, but I just didn’t think it was that bad. She made me promise not to tell anyone.”

I shook my head, not wanting to believe I could have known so little about my best friend. “No. That’s not possible. We were friends for ten years. We practically spent every day together. How could I not know something like that?”

“Because she didn’t want you to know. She hid it from you. She hid it from everyone. I just happened to be there the one day she couldn’t hide it.”

“She knew I’d be the one to find her.” My voice was shaking and barely audible. “She planned it that way. We were supposed to go to the movies that day and she knew I’d be home right after my last class. She locked the door so no one could enter our room except me. She made sure I’d be the one to find her. To punish me. To show me I was responsible. Why else would she do that unless she had known about us?”

I looked at Logan, almost begging him for a reason that would make sense. To make myself believe that Cassie hadn’t punished me for betraying her by making sure I was the one to find her lifeless body. But I knew there was nothing he could say that would make me believe otherwise.

“I don’t know.” Logan’s voice was low and the pain he was feeling was evident on his face. “I don’t know why she did what she did, but I know that you were the most important person in her life. No matter what, she wouldn’t have planned it that way to punish you. Maybe she wanted you to be the one to find her because she trusted you the most.”

I covered my face with my hands as I cried uncontrollably, knowing that he was wrong. I had pushed my best friend to her death by my selfish actions. And I was betraying her again by letting my feelings for Logan get the best of me. This had to stop.