Of Love & Regret (Madison & Logan 1)

I looked at him helplessly. “I don’t know. Is it so wrong to celebrate her birthday? Even though she’s gone, that day still has meaning.”

Logan shook his head. “Not the way her mother celebrates it. She can’t accept that Cassie is gone. Throwing a birthday party and pretending that she’s still alive only makes her sickness worse.”

I pressed my lips together in frustration. I didn’t disagree with Logan, but Cassie’s mother would be devastated if I didn’t show up. Cassie had been my best friend since the fifth grade when I had moved to the tiny town of Laurenston, Michigan, where everyone seemed to know each other. I was the shy, quiet girl, and it had surprised me when Cassie, the most popular girl in my grade, had taken me under her wing. Our friendship had only grown stronger throughout the years and she had become more of a sister to me than just a friend. Her death our junior year of college had brought me to my knees, and there had been days when I doubted I would ever recover from it. Eight years later, I still wasn’t completely over it, but I was able to come to terms with her being gone. Mrs. Brooks, Cassie’s mother, coped by pretending that she was still alive.

“Logan, please.” I clenched my hands on my lap into fists. “Mrs. Brooks needs you there.” I was silent for a few moments before I spoke again. “I need you there.”

Logan sighed heavily, but relented. “Okay, I’ll go even though I think it’s a bad idea. But this is the last time.”

I nodded eagerly, relieved that he had agreed to come with me. “I promise this will be the last year. I’ll gradually try to get Mrs. Brooks used to the idea of me not coming next year so it’s not a shock to her. She just couldn’t handle me telling her I’m not coming a week before Cassie’s birthday.”

Logan didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t force the issue. He pushed his chair back and stood up, reaching behind his head with his arms and stretching. I concentrated on not looking at his body, and instead stared down at my plate. I didn’t know why I was so physically aware of him today. We spent a lot of time together, and I hardly ever gave a moment’s thought to his body or his distractingly good looks. I credited my discomfort to having seen him shirtless today. It had thrown me off-kilter and I was sure my awareness of him would soon fade.

“Leave the dishes. I’ll do them after I’m done with my work.”

He went over to his desk in the corner of the living room that functioned as his home office, and a companionable silence settled between us. I browsed the various books on his bookshelf, looking for something that would capture my attention. Logan had an affinity for spy novels, and I chose a book by John le Carré and made myself comfortable on the couch. Despite the captivating novel, my attention kept straying to Logan. I noticed his habit of rubbing his lower lip with his index finger when he was deep in thought, and the way his muscled biceps flexed when he was typing rapidly on his laptop.

My thoughts drifted to how close we had become this past year. After Emily, I considered Logan to be my closest friend, although the transition from acquaintance to friend had happened slowly. When he had first moved to Chicago and contacted me, we had only traded texts every now and then. On my part, my interactions with him had been more out of politeness than anything else, since I figured it was rude to just ignore someone’s texts. The texts had gradually turned into meeting for coffee, and coffee had turned into lunches, which in turn led to dinners. Now we had an unspoken agreement to meet up once a week, although it was usually more often than that.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I was unaware that Logan had turned and was watching me. I flushed when I realized it looked like I was staring at him, though that wasn’t too far from the truth.

“Need something?” he asked with a slight smile.

“Uh, no. I was just staring off into space.”

He nodded, although he still looked slightly amused. I refused to look in his direction for the rest of the time he was working and forced myself to focus on my book, which wasn’t too hard since it was pretty engrossing. When he leaned back in his chair with a satisfied sigh, I was surprised by how many hours had gone by.

“Done.” He turned to look at me. “Enjoying the book?”

“Yeah, but I’d much rather do something,” I replied, putting the book aside. “Want to go to the aquarium?”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “We just went there three weeks ago.”

“But they have a new sea otter exhibit!” I countered enthusiastically. “It’s supposed to be amazing.”

I was always dragging my friends to the aquarium because I loved aquatic animals, especially sea otters. As a result, Logan had been there way more times than he probably wanted to, but he usually humored my obsession.

“We can go to the Half Pitcher afterwards,” I continued, trying to sweeten the deal. The Half Pitcher was Logan’s favorite bar in Wrigleyville because of their extensive beer selection and massive plate of nachos. I knew he would never pass up a chance to go there.

“Okay, we’ll go to the aquarium, but I’m holding you to going to the Half Pitcher after. No vegan restaurants.” Logan acted like he was making a big concession, but I knew he would have agreed to go to the aquarium regardless of what we did afterwards.

“I promise that meat will be involved in every meal we have today,” I agreed, filled with anticipation. The only thing I loved more than going to the aquarium was going to the aquarium with Logan. He was patient and humored me while I dragged him to all the various exhibits, and didn’t complain when I wanted to watch the sea otters for a ridiculously long time.

Logan’s cell phone started ringing and he frowned as he picked it up. “Give me one sec. It’s Ella.”

I picked up the book I had thrown aside, ostensibly trying to give him a modicum of privacy by being engrossed in reading, but I barely saw the words on the page as my ears perked up to pick up every word of the conversation.

“Hi, Ella.” Logan glanced at me and then turned away to face his computer so his back was to me. “What’s up?”

There was silence for a few moments as he listened to her, and I found myself wishing I was closer to h

im so that I could pick up her side of the conversation through the cell phone.

“Sorry, this weekend is pretty busy. How about Tuesday?”

Ella must not have responded positively to Logan’s suggestion because he sighed. “I know, but like I said, I can’t this weekend.” After a few more beats of silence, Logan spoke again. “Okay, that sounds good. See you on Tuesday.”

I looked up when Logan was done with his call. He had an irritated look on his face.