Seeing Shadows (Shadows 1)

"When a vardoger kills their person, it's often in a violent way. Like you mentioned. We're not sure whether it's because they just enjoy it, or if it aids in the transition. Vardogers are able to kill their person, to damage the body, without causing permanent harm to it. It's a little hard to explain, but when a vardoger kills their person, their connection allows the body to recover when the vardoger enters it after having expelled their person's soul."

I shook my head at the explanation, none of it making sense to me.

"So do you expect me to start going around killing vardogers?" I asked, not being able to mask my sarcasm. "That'll be pretty tough considering my schedule's pretty full with classes and a job. I'm not sure I'll be able to slip it in between Economics and serving burgers."

"No one is saying that you have to do anything," my aunt answered gently. Probably more gently than my derisive tone deserved. "That's for you to decide. And it's not something you can decide lightly. I've just revealed a lot to you - things that most people never have to deal with. I just wanted to make sure you were safe while you come to grips with everything."

I swallowed, but felt a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. "But what about the people that I've seen in my visions? Does that mean they'll just become victims since I haven't done anything to save them?"

Did that mean Simon would die?

"All our visions have been proven to be true. But that doesn't mean it happens right after you have a vision, or immediately after you've seen the person in real life," she explained. "It could take a week, a month - or even a year. There's no way to predict it." She paused. "But yes, these people will die. But that doesn't mean you're obligated to try and save them. You're risking yourself in the process. Even though other people's vardogers can't hurt you, the more vardogers you eradicate, the more susceptible you are for your own vardoger to try and conquer you."

I could take no more at this point. I needed to be alone with my own thoughts. To process everything I had heard tonight. "Well, this has wrapped up a weekend that's been pretty crappy all round," I said, trying to sound glib. The crack in my voice didn't really help with that. "I don't think my brain is going to accept any more information."

"I understand," she said gently. "Like I said, the reason I called was to make sure you protect yourself. Make sure you're touching the iridium tusks of the elephant when you go to bed. In fact, I'd recommend that you break them off the figurine and wear it on a chain so that you're always in contact with it."

"Sure," I replied, not knowing how else to answer. Maybe I should melt down my jewelry and make some silver bullets too while I was at it.

My aunt took a deep breath and exhaled. "I'm sorry that our first conversation has to be such a...grim one. I'm hoping that we can meet soon. There's so much I'd like to share with you. But there's also so much more I want to learn about you. There are some pressing matters that I need to attend to here. People I have to guard. But I would like to visit you soon, if that's okay. I'm sure you have more questions than you can fathom right now, and there's so much more to tell you. Can I call again to see how you're doing?"

I heard genuine concern in her voice. I couldn't deny that, having had a childhood where I experienced more derision than concern, I was like a moth to a flame to her caring tone. I had to be careful to control myself, to not let this woman get too close just because I was desperate for some sort of family affirmation. Our relationship would progress on my terms, if at all. I needed that control to survive.

"Okay. But probably not so late next time."

"Of course," she said, sounding amused. Her voice turned serious. "Regardless of the reason why I called you today - the ugly subject matter, you don't realize how happy I am to have finally had a chance to hear your voice." Her voice filled with emotion. "Your mother was like a sister to me. She knew everything about me. And she accepted me. I've never had that kind of acceptance from anyone else outside of my family."

This was news to me. I hadn't realized that my mother had known about everything. But I couldn't talk about it now. As desperate as a part of me was to learn about my mother, my self-preservation stopped me from asking questions. I had as much as I could handle at the moment.

"Well, thank you for warning me," I said. I almost ended the sentence with Aunt Brenda, but the words wouldn't come out. "Have a good night."

"You too, Caitlin." Her voice turned urgent. "And don't forget about the iridium."

With that last statement, she ended the call. I hung up on my end and placed my cell phone on the night stand.

Now what? I thought. Now that everything I've ever believed in has been kicked on its ass, what do I do now?

I looked at the jade elephant. I was too tired, mentally and physically, to go MacGyver on it tonight and fashion the iridium tusks into necklace charms like the woman, my Aunt Brenda, had suggested. That would have to wait for another day. Even if I wasn't ready to accept her explanation, there was no way in hell I was taking any chances.

Afraid that I would lose grip of the elephant in my sleep, I placed the elephant in my right hand and tightly wrapped a plastic bag around it, holding it in place with a rubber band. That way, even if I did drop it in my sleep, my hand would still remain in contact with it.

I felt stupid going to bed with my hand wrapped up, knowing that I looked idiotic. But I was willing to risk idiocy if it meant saving my life.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

The plastic bag turned out not to be necessary since I didn't fall asleep that night. How could anyone sleep if they had just been told that the monsters you believed in when you were little were actually real? That the shadows in the closet were actually waiting for you. And that you were supposed to go around vanquishing them.

I almost didn't make it to class in the morning but the alternative of staying home and letting my thoughts drive me crazy didn't appeal to me, so I decided class was a good way to distract myself.

I left the apartment before Sarah woke up. She had late classes on Mondays and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to face her. She would know automatically that something was wrong, beyond what had happened this past weekend. I had been a sight for sore eyes this morning. There were dark circles under my eyes and my pale face seemed even paler. My eyes look glazed, a combination of fatigue and resignation. Resignation that the life I knew, as broken as it had been in some respects, was no longer mine.

Tossing and turning last night, I realized I had two options. I could ignore everything and pretend that the phone call with my aunt had never happened and continue living my life as normally as I could. For as long as I could. Or I could decide to take an active role in trying to save the people in my visions. I wasn't sure about the latter path because this meant I really accepted t

hat these vardogers were real. But I wasn't sure if I could just ignore everything either. A part of me knew that this was all real. It recognized the truth the instant my aunt had spoken it.

More importantly, I didn't want to take the chance of not accepting it and something happening to Simon. I could never live with myself then. I also had a feeling that if I just ignored it, I would slowly go crazy. I still wasn't sure which was the better alternative.

Trudging to class, it felt surreal that only a couple of days ago I had been happily planning Jenny's birthday party. I was afraid that the normalcy of my life that I had been able to cultivate, despite my visions, was going to be a thing of the past.