Dear Killian (Love Letters 1)

Nick was still reticent. “You been in the States too long? Those American girls fry your brain?”

“Nah, man,” he answered back, glancing out the window as they drove towards Kicking Horse River.

Looking at Ace, Nick could see a touch of envy flash across his face. “What’s that look about?” He wanted to know what happened in Maryland that seemed to bring on this touch of melancholy.

“Nothing, man.”

“That wasn’t nothing. You went down there to help some girl, right? Did you fall for her and someone else get her? What?”

“Nothing like that.”

“Fucking talk to me, dude. What the hell is going through your head?” He was getting pissed now. Something was

up his cousin’s ass.

Releasing a deep sigh, he finally answered. “I’m sick of being alone. I ain’t got anything waiting for me back in Texas, and it feels like I ain’t got nothing here neither.”

Nick was quiet after that. Ace had no family other than him and his dad; it was just the three of them left. Being the only children on either side, they had no siblings, and it was a huge reason as to why they were so close. Nick’s mom died of a brain aneurysm when he was twenty, and Ace’s parents died in a plane crash when he was sixteen, leaving him to live with Nick and his parents.

It hadn’t been easy, but they’d grown closer, taking their first woman together. As far as Nick knew, they had only ever shared women, never being with one by themselves. He knew that type of relationship dynamic worked for them, needing that bond of having a warm, supple body between them.

“Have you been with anyone?” Nick asked. He tried years ago, after Ace left, but found he couldn’t go through with it. Anxiety took hold, and he felt like a pussy. But it was what it was.

They pulled into the ravine just as Ace replied, “Tried to once, bitch went fucking stalker crazy.”

“Crazy how?” His interest was piqued.

“Two fucking dates, man. Two! I tell her it’s not gonna work and I gotta go away for work, and she gets fucking clingy.” Shaking his head, they climbed out of the SUV and grabbed their gear from the back. “So instead of being all sane-like, she moves her shit into my place! Who does that? Crazy fucking stalkers, that’s who.”

The sheer confusion in his cousin’s voice had Nick bowling over with laughter. “That’s what you get for trying without me, man. I told you we couldn’t.”

“Like you haven’t,” Ace shot back.

Nick’s insecurities skyrocketed as he was faced with the decision of whether to tell his best friend his biggest secret or not. Taking a deep breath, he rushed out the words, “I can’t get it up.”

“Say what now?” Ace was shocked.

Looking up the mountain they were about to venture onto, he confessed quietly, “About a year after you left, I tried. Dated a girl for a couple of months. Nothing doing, though. Not even a fucking twitch.”

Embarrassment rocked through Nick as he whistled for Roxie to lead, knowing she’d find hikers before them. The wind whipped through the trees signaling the impending storm.

“We better hurry,” he comments, not giving Ace a chance to respond.

Not a twitch. Nick’s words played back in Ace’s mind. He always wondered if they’d been fucked up somehow, always sharing women, neither experiencing pleasure without the other. He was relieved to know he wasn’t the only one with performance anxiety.

“I can’t either, man,” he shares, hoping they can figure shit out. Watching Dom and Dee and then Case and Ev find each other then work through all their crazy shit, left him wanting the same. Call it envy or jealousy, the end result was the same; he wanted a woman. It was a huge reason behind why he had returned home. He knew they were meant to share their one—their special person. He had a funny feeling it was going to be soon, too. At least, something was.

Nick’s steps faltered at his own confession.

“We’re in this together, yeah?” he asked without looking back.

Nick might be older by two years, but Ace knew their fears were the same. Clapping a hand on his shoulder, he reassured him. “We’ll find her.”

His cousin didn’t respond, and Ace could practically feel his doubt. He couldn’t blame him, though. The years had been rough and spending them apart hadn’t helped in their search. They had zero requirements for a woman other than treating them both with mutual respect and never trying to play them against each other. Unfortunately, that might be too much to ask for.

As they climbed the trail, they ran into three unsuspecting hikers. Hopefully, they heeded their warnings. Search teams wouldn’t be able to access the mountain again for what could become days.

Roxie’s panicked barking alerted them to trouble before they noticed a shape nestled in some trees a hundred metres ahead. Seeing a trail of blood, he figured on a dead animal.