The Cider House Rules

"What do you mean, selfish?" Wally asked. "A war is for your country, it's serving your country!"

"To you, it's an adventure," Candy said. "That's what's selfish about it."

"You'll do no such thing, anyway," Olive repeated.

"I was too young to go to the last war," Ray said, "and if there's another one, I'll be too old."

"Lucky you!" Olive said.

"That's right," Candy said.

Ray shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I wanted to go to the last one. I tried to lie about my age, but someone told on me."

"Now you know better," Olive said.

"I'm not so sure of that," Ray said. "If there's a new one, there'll be lots of new weapons--they're buildin' stuff you can't even imagine."

"I try to imagine it," Wally said. "I imagine the war all the time."

"Except the dying, Wally," Olive Worthington said, carrying the turkey carcass out to the kitchen. "I don't think you've imagined the dying."

"Right," said Homer Wells, who imagined the dying all the time. Candy looked at him and smiled.

"You should have called me on the weekends, Homer," she said.

"Yeah, why didn't you?" Wally asked him. "Too busy with Debra Pettigrew, that's why." Homer just shook his head.

"Too busy with the practical anatomy of the rabbit!" Olive called from the kitchen.

"The what?" Wally said.

But Olive was wrong. It had taken Homer only about three weeks of Senior Biology to realize that he knew more about the particular animal under scrutiny and its relation to human anatomy than did his cadaverous teacher, Mr. Hood.

It was, as Wilbur Larch could have guessed, the urogenital system that revealed Mr. Hood's deficiencies in comparison to the experience of young Dr. Wells. In discussing the three stages of specialization of the uterus, Mr. Hood became confused. The intrauterine life of the rabbit embryo is only thirty days; between five to eight young are born. In keeping with the primitive nature of the little animal, the rabbit has two complete uteri--the structure of the organ at this stage is called uterus duplex. The structure of the organ in the human female, which Homer Wells knew very well--wherein two uterine tubes open into a single uterine cavity--is called uterus simplex. The third stage of uterine structure falls between the two--a partially fused condition existing in some mammals (sheep, for example); it is called uterus bicornis.

Poor Mr. Hood, attempting to reveal the secrets of the uterus upon the chalky blackboard, confused his duplex with his bicornis; he called a sheep a rabbit (and vice versa). It was a smaller error than if he'd imagined the human female had two complete uteri and had spread this misinformation to the class, but it was an error; Homer Wells caught it. It was the first time he had been put in a position of correcting an authority. "An orphan is especially uncomfortable and insecure in such a position," wrote Dr. Wilbur Larch.

"Excuse me, sir?" said Homer Wells.

"Yes, Homer?" said Mr. Hood. His gauntness, in a certain light, made him appear as exposed as the many rabbit cadavers lying open on the students' laboratory tables. He looked skinned, almost ready for labeling. A kind but weary patience was in his eyes; they were the man's only alert features.

"It's the other way around, sir," said Homer Wells.

"Pardon me?" said Mr. Hood.

"The rabbit has two complete uteri, the rabbit is uterus duplex--not the sheep, sir," Homer said. "The sheep's uterus is partially fused together, it's almost one--the sheep is uterus bicornis."

The class waited. Mr. Hood blinked; for a moment, he looked like a lizard regarding a fly, but he suddenly retreated. "Isn't that what I said?" he asked, smiling.

"No," the class murmured, "you said it the other way around."

"Well, it's my mistake, then," Mr. Hood said almost cheerfully. "I meant it just the way you said it, Homer," he said.

"Maybe I misunderstood you, sir," Homer said, but the class murmured, "No, you got it right."

The short boy named Bucky, with whom Homer had to share his rabbit cadaver, nudged Homer in the ribs. "How come you know all about cunts?" he asked Homer.

"Search me," said Homer Wells. He had learned that phrase from Debra Pettigrew. It was the one game they played. He would ask her something she couldn't answer. She would say "Search me." And Homer Wells, saying "Okay," would begin to search her. "Not there!" Debra would cry, pushing his hand away, but laughing. Always laughing, but always pushing his hand away. There was no way Homer Wells would gain admittance to the uterus simplex of Debra Pettigrew.