The Hotel New Hampshire

'Help her get the her in her back,' Frank begged Susie the bear.

'I don't normally mess with underage girls,' Susie said.

'We want you to help her, not mess with her,' I said to Susie, but Susie the bear only smiled. She sat up in her bed, her costume disheveled on the floor of her room, her own hair like bear hair with its stiff and erratic directions, her hard face like a wound above her ratty T-shirt.

'Helping someone is the same as messing with someone,' said Susie the bear.

'Will you please try?' I asked her.

'And you ask me where the real trouble began,' Frank would say to me, later: 'Well, it didn't start with the pornography -- not in my opinion,' Frank would say. 'Not that it matters, of course, but I know what started the trouble that got to you,' Frank would tell me.

Like the pornography, I don't wish to describe it, but Frank and I had only a very brief picture -- we had only the quickest glimpse of it, though we saw more than enough. It started one evening in August, when it was so hot Lilly had woken up Frank and me and asked for a glass of water -- as if she were a baby again -- one evening when it was too quiet in the Gasthaus Freud. There were no customers to make Screaming Annie scream, there was no one even interested enough to grunt with Jolanta, to whimper with Babette, to strike a bargain with Old Billig, or even look at young Dark Inge. It was too hot to sit in the Kaffee Mowatt; the whores sat on the stairs in the cool, dark lobby of the Gasthaus Freud -- now under construction. Freud was in bed, asleep, of course; he could not see the heat. And Father, who saw the future more clearly than the moment, was asleep, too.

I went in Frank's room and boxed the dressmaker's dummy around for a while.

'Jesus God,' Frank said, 'I'll be glad when you find some barbells and you leave my dummy alone.' But he couldn't sleep, either; we shoved the dressmaker's dummy back and forth between us.

There was no mistaking the sound for Screaming Annie -- or for any of the whores. The sound seemed to bear no relationship to sorrow; there was too much light in the sound to have anything to do with sorrow, there was too much of the music of water in the sound to make Frank and me think of fucking for money, or even of lust there was too much light and water music for lust, either. Frank and I had never heard this sound before -- and in my memory, which is a forty-year-old's memory now, I do not remember another recording of this song; no one would ever sing quite exactly this song to me.

It was the song Susie the bear made Franny sing. Susie went through Franny's room to use the bathroom. Frank and I went through my room to get to the same bathroom; through the bathroom door we could peek into Franny's room.

The head of the bear on the rug at the foot of Franny's bed was at first unnerving, as if som

eone had severed Susie from her head when she'd first intruded. But the bear's head was not the focal point of Frank's and my attention. It was Franny's sound that drew us -- both keen and soft, as nice as Mother, as happy as Egg. It was a sound almost without sex in it, although sex was the song's subject, because Franny lay on her bed with her arms flung over her head and her head thrown back, and between her long, slightly stirring legs (treading water, as if she were very buoyant), in my sister's dark lap (which I shouldn't have seen) was a headless bear -- a headless bear was lapping there, like an animal eating from a fresh kill, like an animal drinking in the heart of a forest.

This vision frightened Frank and me. We didn't know where to go after seeing this, and for no reason, with nothing on our minds -- or with too much on them -- we stumbled into the lobby. There all the whores on the stairs greeted us; the heat and their own boredom, their inactivity, seemed to make them unusually glad to see us, although they always seemed to be pretty glad to see us. Only Screaming Annie looked disappointed to see us -- as if she'd thought, for a moment, we might be 'business.'

Dark Inge said, 'Hey, you guys, you look like you seen a ghost.'

'Something you ate, dears?' asked Old Billig. 'It's too late for you to be up.'

'Your hard-ons keeping you awake?' Jolanta asked.

'Oui, oui,' sang Babette. 'Bring us your hard-ons!'

'Stop that,' said Old Billig. 'It's too hot to fuck, anyway.'

'Never too hot,' Jolanta said.

'Never too cold,' said Screaming Annie.

'Do you want to play cards?' Dark Inge asked us. 'Crazy eights?'

But Frank and I, like windup soldiers, did a few awkward turns at the foot of the stairs, reversed direction, made our way back to Frank's room -- and then, like magnets, we were drawn to Father.

'We want to go home,' I said to him. He woke up, and took both Frank and me into his bed with him, as if we were still small.

'Please, let's go home, Dad,' Frank whispered.

'As soon as we're successful here,' Father assured us. 'Just as soon as we make it -- I promise.'

'When?' I hissed at him, but Father put a headlock on me, and kissed me.

'Soon,' he said. 'This place is going to take off -- soon. I can feel it.'

But we would be in Vienna until 1964; we would stay there seven years.

'I grew old there,' Lilly would say; she would be eighteen years old by the time we left Vienna. Older, but not a whole lot bigger -- as Franny would say.