Elastic Heart

“Maybe not.” Law stopped rubbing the cloth, his arms hanging limply over the side of the tub. I would never admit it out loud, but I missed his touch. I missed the feel of the cloth cleaning me. “I followed you out of the bar. I lost track of you for a few hours and it was luck that I found you, because I was about to call it a night, assuming you’d gone home.”

So quiet I barely heard myself, I whispered, “I went after Morris.”

“What?” Law asked.

“Nothing.” Law raised an eyebrow, but didn’t press. After a few minutes of silence, he stood up and reached for a towel.

“Can you stand?” The bath had made me feel much better so I tested my legs. I was still wobbly, but I could stand. I stepped out of the tub, the bubbles sliding off my legs and onto the floor. I walked into the towel Law held out for me.

We stood still, caught again in the potent, feverous force that always seemed to trap us. Water dripped from my skin, making a puddle on the white marble floor. I tightened my grip on the towel. Law tightened his jaw. We both stared, eyes locked, our voices apparently trapped in the same force that had captured our movement.

“You can borrow some of my clothes,” Law stated and spun around, heading back to the bedroom. I watched him, my vocal chords frozen. I needed to thank him. I had to say something.

“Law!” Law stopped at my voice and cocked his head slightly. “I…I…” I froze, paralyzed.

“You’re welcome,” Law said, before continuing on his way.

I fell asleep in Law’s bed. He was awake, listening to some late night comedian while sitting on the couch in the living room. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I meant to get up and go home, but the blankets were so warm and they smelled so nice. For the first time in months I felt safe, really and truly safe.

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Normally I woke startled and afraid, as if a threat was about to make itself known. This time, I let light slowly filter through my lids. I let the softness of the blankets warm around my skin. I let everything slowly come to me. I was safe; there was no need to be afraid. When I was ready, I sat up, the sheets curled around my shoulders.

Law was awake at the desk, typing something on his computer. Light spilled through the curtains but I couldn’t tell what time it was, maybe afternoon. I coughed to make myself known. With careful precision, Law stopped what he was doing and shut the computer. He slowly stood up off the chair and came over to me. I watched his movements, captivated.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Law asked, “How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

Law reached across the bed and grabbed my hand. I let him hold it, but only a moment. As wonderful as it felt to have my hand enclosed in his, I couldn’t get used to the feeling. I let the sheets fall and stood off the bed.

“What are you doing?” Law asked, standing with me.

“I’m leaving.” My voice was quiet.

“Let me drive you home.”

“Look, Law. I’m damaged goods.” I glanced down at my bruised and battered body and laughed. “Literally. This… Whatever this is, between you and me, it can’t work. It won’t work.”

I was feeling better now. My ribs hurt and my body was bruised, but nothing was broken. I was lucky. I had thought I would die out there on the street, but Law had saved me. I owed him enough to save him from the likes of me.

“Nami—” I raised my hand up to cut him off. It hurt to lift my arm, probably because my ribs were bruised.

“Thank you Law.” I reached for my blood-caked and dirt-matted clothes, putting them on as gently as I could. The cloth hurt my skin, unlike his sheets had. “Truly, thank you.”

“At least borrow some clothes.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes as he spoke. Something had happened between us the night before. Law had kindled and lit a part of me I had thought dead and buried.

“No…” I shook my head. “No that’s… I’m fine, thank you.” I quickly rushed out of the room, shutting the door just as more words left his mouth. I was afraid to hear them, afraid that if he asked me to stay, I would agree.

Beyond the mystery of Law, beyond the lies and secrecy lay a person I thought I could fall in love with. Yet, I didn’t belong to myself any more. I didn’t have the choice to love. I belonged to my mission. The sickening reality was, I still belonged to Morris.

The moment I entered my apartment I crumbled on the couch, still in pain from the night before. I didn’t bother taking off my clothes and placed a blanket down to keep the blood off. I may have found the couch on the side of the road, but it had served me well these past months. Raskol immediately jumped on my head, his excitement the exact opposite of what I needed right then.

“Raskol, no,” I mumbled, trying to push him off of me. He was so excited to see me, but I was completely falling apart. I couldn’t even pinpoint what was tearing apart my insides, there were too many to choose from: Law, the mugging, the confrontation with Morris, my fucking life.

I started to hyperventilate and my vision blurred to black and white spots. I reached for a paper bag of leftover takeout, dumping the styrofoam contents to floor. As I breathed into it, my own breathing settled with the smell of Thai.

It was too much. I was in so over my head I couldn’t see the sun any more. What had I been thinking, taking this on? I wanted everything to go back to normal. I wanted to be able to eat without questioning if I liked the food. I wanted to be able to watch TV without feeling disconnected. I just wanted to do something for me. But I didn’t know who “me” was any more.