A Shadow of Guilt

‘OK, thank you.’

The doctor looked kindly at Valentina. ‘You should go home and get cleaned up. The sedative will have knocked him out for a while.’

Valentina smiled but it felt brittle. ‘I’m fine, I’d like to stay.’ The doctor eventually shrugged and left the private Palermo hospital room. Valentina had asked them to call Gio’s mother but they’d been told that she was away on a short trip. Yet another stark reminder of Gio’s isolation which had made her heart bleed.

Valentina turned back to the man lying on the bed. He was covered by a sheet from the waist down, but he was naked from the waist up, with strapping around his chest where his ribs had been injured.

A white bandage was around his head and his face was still almost as white as the bandage. Valentina felt tears burn her eyes again and she went back to the chair beside the bed.

He looked so young and defenceless like this. Sniffling and wiping at the tears that just wouldn’t stop, Valentina took Gio’s nearest hand in hers. It was completely lifeless. She bit back the surge of panic and reassured herself that the doctor had said he’d be fine.

A lock of hair had fallen down over the bandage on his forehead and Valentina reached up to push it back. The feel of the silky strands under her fingers made them tremble and she quickly clasped his hand again in both of hers.

Somehow with Gio here like this, not looking at her with that distant expression, it was easier to start talking….

‘Gio,’ she whispered, ‘I know you can’t hear me but I need to tell you something—a few things actually. And I know I’m being a coward when you can’t hear me….

‘The thing is, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to tell you when you can look at me and see me for what I really am … and then watch you turn your back on me. I don’t think … I could survive that.’

Valentina took in a deep shuddering breath and focused on his mouth. ‘The thing is that I love you too. I’ve loved you for so long, Gio—far longer than I ever admitted it to myself.’ Her voice dropped even lower. ‘I remember being seventeen and wanting you so much, craving your attention and yet being scared witless of how you made me feel.’

Valentina smiled a watery smile. ‘You and Mario together … you were so dynamic, full of life. He never could quite keep up with you but yet he never resented you for it. I think he felt accomplished enough in his own way, separate to you.

‘There’s something though that I have to tell you—to explain why I’ve been so angry with you. The evening Mario died.’ Valentina stopped for a moment and then went on painfully. ‘We got the phone call to say someone was injured, but not who. All we knew was that one of you was in trouble and that you were being transported to the hospital in Palermo….’

Valentina felt as if she were standing apart from herself, listening to the story too.

‘When we got there, frantic, a doctor came to us and said, “We couldn’t save him.”’ Valentina’s hands tightened unconsciously on Gio’s.

‘The fact was that we still didn’t know who had died. And I thought.’ Valentina’s voice broke slightly. ‘I assumed that it had been you. The pain was indescribable. But then … I saw you. You were standing there, in the corridor, and the relief was so overwhelming … and then I suddenly realised what that meant. That Mario was dead, not you. And that my worst fear had been losing you, not my own brother.’

Valentina smiled wanly. ‘You see, it was only when we saw you that we realised who was dead. My mother had seen my reaction. She knew and that merely compounded my own guilt and confusion, along with the pain of realising that it was Mario who was dead.’

She looked down at Gio’s hand in hers. ‘I’ve been so ashamed for so long … when I saw you at the funeral I lashed out, unable to bear the fact that you were making me remember that I’d have preferred my own brother to be dead, and he was….

‘When I saw you again at the wedding … it all came back. I thought I’d buried it. I thought I’d forgotten you … but I hadn’t. And I still wanted you which made things even harder.

‘When you told me you loved me, I couldn’t believe it. The thought of saying those words back to you … of loving you and possibly losing you the way I’d lost Mario … It was too terrifying … it is terrifying. But not as terrifying as it was to see you lying on that ground today.’

Sobs rose upwards again and Valentina choked out, ‘The past three weeks have been hell … but I thought that’s what I could live with for the rest of my life. I thought I could protect myself by leaving you … but I can’t. I love you, Gio.’

Suddenly overwhelmed with all she’d said, Valentina went to take her hand out of Gio’s but to her shock her hand was taken in a tight grip and a soft growl came from the man on the bed, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’

‘Gio …’ Valentina breathed out, her heart pumping.

His eyes flickered open slowly and he winced at the bright light for a few seconds before they came to rest on Valentina. Her breath caught in her throat. She was suddenly ridiculously aware of how deranged she must look after hours of crying and the panic-filled helicopter ride to the hospital.

‘You have blood on your cheek….’ Gio let her hand go and lifted his to touch her cheek with a finger.

Valentina closed her eyes and prayed for control. ‘I … must have got some of your blood on me….’ When his hand dropped again she tried to wipe at it ineffectually with the sleeve of her top.

Nervousness made her babble, and also not wanting to see Gio’s reaction as to why she might be there. ‘The doctor says you’ll make a full recovery. Your ribs are bruised and you’ve got a nasty crack to the head but it’s not fractured.’

Just saying the words though was bringing it all back and Valentina struggled to hold back the tears of emotion.

‘I don’t give a damn about that.’ Gio’s eyes were very dark all of a sudden, and alert and intent, on Valentina.

‘You don’t?’