Kill the Dead (Sandman Slim 2)

She lowers her hand.

“That was the most awesome thing ever.”

She grabs me and hugs me as hard as anyone ever has.

“Let’s get home. I want to blow Eugène’s mind.”

We head back to the Boulevard. I scan the backs of stores and sides of apartment buildings for a decent shadow shielded from the street. The sun is so goddamn bright at this time of day it’s bleaching the shadows to frail patches of gray. Those pale shadows are no good to get to the Room, but they’re beautiful. I can see each burning photon and trace it all the way back to where it emerged from the sun.

We could call a cab to get home, but in the morning in this part of Hollywood we could wait an hour. I could steal a car, but that might be one colorful adventure too many for Allegra. I’d rather float home through the sewer on a raft made of medical waste than take the bus.

Fuck it. I turn back and forth looking for a likely car. That draws my attention away from the rest of the street until they’re right on top of us.

I smell them from ten feet away, but am distracted enough to think it’s restaurant trash that’s gone ripe. I know what a complete fucking idiot I am when I hear Allegra give a little yelp.

There’s two Lacunas. A man and a woman, if you can call them that. They’re pretty obviously dead. Their skin looks like bruised sandpaper wrapped around fat and muscle. The male wears a camouflage baseball cap. The female wears wraparound shades. They both have knives and are holding them at Allegra’s throat.

Even with it pressed right up to her carotid, I know I could get the knife away from one of them and pry its skull open with it before it could hurt her. But I’m not sure about two. Especially two somethings that feel no pain, are kind of dumb, and aren’t afraid of ending up any more dead than they already are.

“You going to do something, tough guy? Save the day, cocksucker,” says the female.

“No. I think I’m going to stand right here and admire the view.”

“Good cocksucker. Smart cocksucker. First smart thing you’ve said in a week,” says the male.

“Is that it? Did you come by to hurt my feelings or are muggers getting paid by the word these days?”

The female is next to Allegra, pinning one of her arms to her side while pressing the tip of her knife into her throat. The male holds Allegra from behind. He has his arm wrapped around her neck with the side of his blade ready to slice her jugular. He presses the knife harder against her neck.

“Watch your tone, cocksucker. One of us might twitch.”

“It’s nothing personal. I’m just trying to get the conversation rolling and find out what it is you walking garbage heaps want.”

“We want you to go to Disney World,” says the female.

“It’s called Disneyland, you stupid cunt,” says the male.

“No. There’s another one. In Florida, I think.”

“If you two want to go get a map, we can come back later,” I say.

“Shut up,” says the male. “You need to take a vacation. Stop everything you’re doing and go away. Right now. This goddamn minute.”

“I’m kind of booked up. How about Labor Day? We can all go to Hawaii together. Get a cabin on the beach and burn you two for firewood.”

The female is jumpy. She really doesn’t like not stabbing anyone. When I have to move, she’ll go first.

“That’s the wrong attitude. For you and her, but especially her. You don’t want her to end up in pieces like the Fiddler, do you?”

“I don’t know any fiddlers, but I’ve never been into blue-grass. Either of you ever listen to Skull Valley Sheep Kill? Now, that’s music.”

“He’s too stupid to get it. Cut her,” says the female.

I say, “No. Don’t. Don’t move at all. Stay exactly where you are.”

I’m a little surprised and extremely relieved when they do it.

“Put down your knives. Let go of her and move away.”