Incubus Dreams (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter 12)

I grabbed his upper arms. "Don't let me hear you say that, ever again. You say animal like it's a dirty word, Richard, it's not. But until you own that it's not, don't let anyone make you feel that bad about yourself."

He smiled then, a little sad around the edges, but it was a real smile. He touched my arms with his hands, and I pulled away. I was so not going to hug and make up. I would help him through this, if I could, but we were not a couple anymore.

"If I didn't hurt you, then why did you pull away just now?"

I hugged my arms tight and paced a little farther away from him. "You came here for truth, fine, here's truth. We're not a couple anymore, Richard, but that doesn't mean I don't feel... oh, hell, I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

"And what would that be?" His voice was back to being guarded.

"You were very clear at my house yesterday. I was in your head, Richard. I know what you were thinking, what you were feeling. I was there inside your head."

"Then you saw what I wanted to do to you." He turned away, so that all I could see was the back of him in jeans, and the jean jacket that was a few shades bluer than the jeans. His hair was beginning to have waves, but it still looked shorn to me. "It was sick, Anita. I wanted you afraid of me. Having you afraid while I fucked you, would have been... would have--"

"Just flat done it for you," I finished for him.

He turned and looked at me. His eyes were desolate, as if something in them had died. "Yes, yes, exactly."

"Richard, every lycanthrope I know is a little confused about the fear response, food, and sex."

He shook his head, and it must have been too vigorous, because he winced. "But no lycanthrope I've met, except for Raina and Gabriel, thought fear was an aphrodisiac."

"Since I've met some of the same lycanthropes that you've met, I know that's not true. What is true, is that Gabriel and Raina were the only ones willing to admit it to anyone and everyone."

"No, no," he said and stalked toward me, his anger starting to rise in a warm prickling wash. "No one else wanted what they wanted, not like that. Not the real thing."

"Aha," I said, then apologized for saying aha, "but the point is, you said not the real thing. I've met a lot of shapeshifters who are into the bondage and submission scene, but it's a game with rules. Safe, sane, consensual. There are safe words, and once that agreed-upon word is uttered, then it stops, it's over."

"There was no word that would keep you safe from Raina and Gabriel."

"Exactly, Richard, exactly. But you can enjoy the game without doing what they did."

He grabbed for me, and I tried to be out of reach, but in the end, I had only a shadow of his speed, not the real thing. He got one wrist instead of two, but he still got one. He jerked me a little toward him, not hard, but enough that I planted my feet and set up for not being pulled any closer. Just principle, instinct, nothing personal.

"What if it's the reality I want, Anita? What if the reason Raina liked me so much was that I'm just like her?" He didn't hurt me, didn't do anything but keep holding my wrist, keep me, so that I knew I couldn't get away, easily, if at all. I was stronger than a normal human, but I wasn't as strong as a real lycanthrope.

I let out a breath that was even, and my voice sounded normal, but I couldn't help it. I started with, "Let go of me, Richard."

"You're afraid of me," he said.

"No, but you aren't my boyfriend anymore. You don't have the right to touch me without permission."

"The fact that you're trying to pull away, and I know you can't, excites me."

There was a time in my life that I would have argued, but we'd argue about it later, if we needed to. I didn't repeat my request, because I wasn't sure what would happen if I upped the physical stuff. I knew I didn't want to find out, so I talked. "All you need is a submissive of your very own who likes to play these games, and you're all set, but I am not your anything, so let go of my wrist." Okay, I couldn't not ask again.

He let go of me, so abruptly I stumbled a little. I guess I'd been pulling harder away from him than I thought. Fancy that. I resisted the urge to rub my wrist. Never let them see that they've hurt you. It's a rule. "You're nothing like Raina, Richard."

"Yes," he said, "I am."

"I carry her munin, remember, I've had her in full technicolor glory in my head, and I've been in your head, too. Trust me, you don't think like she did."

"Sometimes I fantasize about horrible things, Anita."

What I wanted to say was, I wasn't his mother confessor, but I didn't, because I didn't know who else to send him to for this talk. Who else would I trust? No one. Damn it.

"So don't we all, Richard, the difference isn't what you think, it's what you do about it. Most of us know the difference between fantasy and reality. We know that what works as pretend doesn't work in the real world."

"What if I want things that would hurt other people?"

I so didn't want to be having this talk, but looking into his face, I knew that this was part of the demon that had driven him to nearly destroy himself, and us. "If it's going to permanently maim, scar, or kill someone, you don't do it. Outside of those parameters you talk to your lover and see what they want to do. What they're willing to do."

He was frowning at me. "No maiming, scarring, or killing, and everything else is okay? Just like that."

I shook my head, "No, everything else that your partner says 'yes' to, is okay. If you're on top, dominant, then you have to hold it together and make sure it's all safe and not too scary."

"I want it to be scary," he said.

I shrugged. "I said, 'not too scary.' Through... friends, I'm beginning to understand that a little fear goes a long way as foreplay."

"You don't mean friends, you mean Nathaniel."

"If I'd meant just Nathaniel, I'd have said just Nathaniel. He can't teach me how to be a good top. To learn to be dominant you've got to talk to a dominant, not a submissive."

"You sound like you've researched it."

"Most of the wereleopards in my pard are into bondage and submission. I can't be a good Nimir-Ra for them if I don't understand them."

He looked at me, considering something. I wasn't sure exactly what he was thinking, but at least it wasn't sad or angry. At this point I'd take almost any emotion that wasn't one of them. "I know that before today you weren't fucking Nathaniel. I was in your mind, and I know. You really did research to try to understand your leopards, not just for your lover."

"You sound surprised," I said.

"Because Raina was our lupa for so long a lot of the werewolves are into BDSM, too, but I learned everything I ever wanted to know about it from Raina and Gabriel, and their accomplices."

I almost didn't say it, but he said he'd come to me for the truth. I'd see if he really wanted truth, or just some of it. "Richard, you say you like fear with your sex. You like the game of fear, and you like your sex rough."

He was looking at me, the look was a warning. Those dark brown eyes were willing me not to finish, but if I didn't tell him, who would?

"You enjoy the scene, too, Richard."

"I don't--"

I held up a hand. "You don't do what Raina and Gabriel and some others did, but you can be a little in without being a sexual sadist. Some people think just enjoying teeth and nails during sex is sadistic."

He was shaking his head over and over. If it hurt the scratches on his face, he didn't show it this time. "Just because I like teeth and nails doesn't mean I'm like that. I'm not like them."

"If you mean Raina and Gabriel, no, you're not. But you didn't run from me just because you thought I was bloodthirsty. You ran because with me you couldn't keep pretending."

"Pretending what? I'm not pretending anything."

"It's not just you that's been pretending, Richard."

"Pretending what?" His anger started to fill the room, hot and close, like a storm that hadn't broken yet.

"I like teeth and nails during sex. Hell, I like biting alone without much sex. I like the feel of flesh between my teeth."

He looked away. "That's my fault, and Jean-Claude's. It's our hungers in you."

"Maybe, but they're still in me, and it's still something I enjoy. I may never be as comfortable around the scene as Nathaniel is, and that worries me, because if he's mine, then I want him to be happy. But I've had to stop pretending that I don't like rough sex. Jason said that I like dominant men, because they sort of take charge, and I don't have a choice. The reason I was able to avoid Nathaniel for so long was he tried to get me to do all the moves. I need a little dominance play, or I don't play. I thought he was crazy, but it's been a busy twenty-four hours, and I'm tired of running."

He looked back at me. "Running, running from what?"

"Same thing you are, myself."

"You're not--"

I stopped him with a hand again. "Yeah, I was. Maybe I still am. There are parts of my life that I don't want to look at. Someone told me that it's okay that I like two men in bed with me. I argued with them, Richard. I argued that, no I didn't." I took two steps closer to him. "But arguing is pretty silly, don't you think?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"I'm dating Jean-Claude and Asher. I was dating you and Jean-Claude."

"Not at the same time in the same date," he said.

I waved it away. "Fine, I'll leave you out of it. But I'm still dating Jean-Claude and Asher. I'm living and sharing a bed with Micah and Nathaniel. Yes, it was sort of accidental. I didn't try to get into either situation on purpose, but I'm there. And now with Damian and Nathaniel, I've got another threesome where I'm the only girl. Not on purpose, but after awhile, Richard, arguing that I don't enjoy two men together with me just sounds silly."

"Do you?" he asked.

I didn't owe him the answer, but maybe I owed myself one. I'd only admitted it to myself seconds ago. "Yes, being in the middle of two men just flat does it for me. Just the feel of them on either side just flat does it for me." I waited for the blush to start, or at least the embarrassment, but it didn't. It was true, and it was okay. I was okay. I had men in my life that thought it was okay.

Richard looked at the floor, as if whatever he saw in my face he didn't want to see. Or maybe there was something in his face he didn't want me to see. "I could never do that."

"No one's asked you to."

He looked up then, and his anger lashed out, almost like he'd laid a hot whip across my skin. I jumped from the feel of it. "Ow," I said.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, but the hell you say, no one's asked me."

"Alright, to my knowledge no one's asked you."

"Everyone, everyone in the preternatural community, whatever animal, or thing they are, thinks that I was doing Jean-Claude and you. That we were some happy little m¨¦nage ¨¤ trois."

"I've run into that rumor," I said. "You know what you were doing, and who, so what does it matter?"

He let out a shadow of that inarticulate scream he'd done before. "Anita, how do you think I feel when almost every leader in this town that I have to do business with thinks I'm shagging the Master of the City?"

"Are you saying that people thinking you're bisexual hurts your standing as a leader?"

"Yes."

"It doesn't seem to hurt Jean-Claude's," I said.

"That's different."

"I don't think so."

He made fists, and that hurt, and he made that sound again. "You don't understand, Anita. You're a girl, and you don't understand."

"I'm a girl, and I don't understand. What does that mean?"

"It means it's still more socially acceptable for a girl to be bisexual than it is for a man."

"Who says?" I asked.

"Everyone!" His anger flared outward like hot water, and it was about waist high, and rising.

"You're homophobic," I said.

"I am not."

"Yeah, you are. If it didn't bother you so much that people thought you were bisexual, then you wouldn't care what they said. You'd know the truth, and it would be enough." I moved closer to him, pushing through the heat of his power, his anger, his frustration. "Besides, what's wrong with being bisexual, or homosexual, or whatever? What does it matter, Richard, as long as you're happy and no one is getting hurt?"

"You don't understand," he said.

I was standing close enough to touch. Standing so close that his power bit and sizzled almost against my skin, as if the robe wasn't there. God, he was so powerful, more than the last time I'd touched his power. He'd gained from Jean-Claude and me, just like Jean-Claude had, like I had. If we could get our triumvirate to truly work the way it was meant to, no one would touch us, no one would dare.

That one thought wasn't my thought, not exactly. Jean-Claude wasn't awake yet, I'd have felt it, but the thought was more his than mine. I remembered last night at the club, and how we'd been joined tighter, closer, than ever before. I'd done things last night that hadn't been possible before. I'd reached new levels of power both with Jean-Claude and with my own abilities. I'd also had sex with a vampire I'd known less than two weeks, and only Requiem's gentlemanly ways had kept it to one. That wasn't like me, and standing this close to Richard's pain, I was thinking about the power and not the cost to him. That wasn't like me either. But they were both very like Jean-Claude.

"What's wrong?" Richard asked. "You've thought of something."

"Just wondering what other parts of Jean-Claude I'm carrying around inside myself."

"You told me, the ardeur, the blood lust."

I shook my head. "I've never been very practical with relationships, or sex, and lately, like the last twenty-four hours, or so, I have been. At least a lot more practical than I've ever been before."

"Is it true that you had sex with two of the new British vampires at Guilty Pleasures last night?"

"My, my, the rumor mill does grind fast."

He relaxed, some tension going out of him. "Then it was just a rumor."

I sighed, and was getting tired of doing that, but it seemed like Richard just brought it out in me. "Half true."

"Which half?" he asked.

I didn't like the look on his face. It wasn't angry exactly, which should have been an improvement, but it wasn't neutral either. "One vampire, not two." I shook my head. "But you know what? I don't think I owe you an explanation, Richard. I don't keep track of the swath you're cutting through your own pack, and Verne's pack when you're in Tennessee."

He was looking at me, studying my face, as if he was trying to figure out what I was hiding. "If you weren't ashamed of it, then you'd just tell me."

"Richard, you aren't my dad, or my boyfriend. I don't owe you an explanation about who I do, or don't, sleep with."

"You slept with Nathaniel for four months before you had sex with him. What changed? Why these two vampires, why now? I heard it was a hell of a show last night, what the hell happened?"

"Are you asking from some macho possessiveness?"

"No, as the third of your triumvirate. Or should I say, one of your triumvirates?"

As the third of our triumvirate he had a right to know how close we'd come to losing control of Primo and some other choice bits. He had helped me last night, even if it had gone wrong, he'd tried. He'd really tried.

I sat down on the edge of the bed, and he sat on the floor with his knees drawn up to his chest, while I gave him a thumbnail sketch of the near disaster and an edited version of what I'd done to help Jean-Claude feed. I didn't leave much out, I just didn't elaborate.

"I can't believe you fucked Byron. I didn't even think he liked girls."

"He took one for the team," I said, and tried to keep the irony in my voice to a minimum.

He actually blushed. "I didn't mean it that way. I meant, if I was shopping for men for you among the new vampires, he wouldn't have been high on my list."

"Truthfully, he's not high on mine. I mean he's a nice enough guy, but as a friend, not as more."

"Then, why?"

"He was the person that was there, Richard. If I accidentally sucked someone's soul out through their mouth, Jean-Claude thought I'd be less cut up if it was Byron and not Nathaniel."

"Is Primo like some kind of Trojan horse?" he asked, and him asking that made me think better of him, lots better. It was a very good question.

"You mean did the Dragon let Jean-Claude have Primo so she could try and take over here?"

"Or just cause enough destruction that Jean-Claude got up on charges. Or his business was ruined, something. From what Jean-Claude's been hearing from Europe, the council isn't too happy with him."

It must have shown on my face, because Richard said, out loud, "I have been paying attention Anita."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I didn't think you had."

"I admit I wasn't before, maybe like a month before, but I am now. I told you, I've decided to live and not die by inches. That means I've got to pay attention to business, and I may not like it. I may hate it, but being part of this triumvirate is business."

"I don't know about Primo. He might be, as you so aptly put it, a Trojan horse. I left one of the wererats on guard outside his coffin. I gave orders that if Primo breaks out, he's to be killed. No third chances, because he's already on his second."

"Why would Jean-Claude bring in something that dangerous?"

"I saw Primo fight, and I saw him heal more damage than any vampire I've ever seen heal. It was impressive. We've got a lot of powerful vamps, but most of them are Belle's line, and that runs high to beauty, seduction, which is great for the clubs. I mean we have some really choice people to strip and to dance with the tourists at Danse Macabre, but if we had a war, a real war, then we have almost no soldiers."

"You have the wolves," he said, "and through two treaties, the wererats."

"Yeah, but it's unusual to have such close ties with other groups. Vamps scouting us for takeover won't count beyond the wolves. It won't occur to most of them that a treaty with an animal that isn't the master's to call will come through when the going gets tough."

"So you approve of Primo being here?"

"No, definitely not, not after last night. I think we should shoot his ass, but I understand why Jean-Claude took the chance. We need some vamps that can fight, not just look pretty." As if on cue, the door opened, and it was my favorite pretty vampire.