The Heart of Devin MacKade (The MacKade Brothers 3)
She drew a breath. She’d gone over it in her mind countless times already that morning. She’d let her children down all their lives. Whatever it cost, she would never do so again.
“Devin, I need to talk to you.”
“I’m here.”
“Connor’s very upset, very hurt.” She kept her hands busy, tucking the sheet, folding it down, smoothing it. “He’s sensed, or been told, something about us, and—”
“I know. I told you I saw him this morning. I’d say what he is, Cassie, is mad.”
“Yes, he is. And upset, and hurt. Frightened,” she added, pressing her lips together to steady them. “Most of all, frightened. I can’t let him be frightened, Devin. Not after what he’s already been through.”
“You didn’t cause it.”
“Didn’t I?” Meticulously she fluffed and patted the pillows into place. “Doing nothing to stop it all those years is the same as causing it. The first eight years of his life were a nightmare I didn’t put an end to. I thought I was shielding him. I told myself I was. But he knew. He’s ashamed of me.”
“That’s not true, Cassie.” Devin moved to her, took her hands. “If he said that, it was because he was angry with me, and you were the nearest target. He adores you.”
“I’ve hurt him, Devin, more than I ever realized. Maybe Emma, too. I see now that I’ve just started to make things right, make things up to them. Now I’m letting it change before they can adjust, before they can trust. I can’t do that, Devin. And I can’t see you anymore.”
Panic reared up, echoed clearly in his voice. “You know that’s not the answer. I’ll talk to him.”
“I don’t want you to do that.” Cassie tugged her hands from his. “I have to handle this, Devin. I need to prove to Connor that I can, and that he and Emma come first.”
“I’m not asking to come ahead of them, damn it, just to be a part of your life. Of their lives. I love you, Cassie.”
“I know. I love you. I always will. But I can’t be with you. Don’t ask me to choose.”
“What are you asking me to do?” he demanded. “To just walk away? I’ve waited for you for twelve years. I can’t keep waiting for everything to be perfect. It’s never going to be perfect, it just has to be right. We’re right, Cassie. You mean everything to me. So do the kids. I need you. I need all of you.”
That cut her heart out. “Devin, if things were different—”
“We’ll make them different,” he insisted, taking her by the shoulders. “We’ll make it work.”
“I’m not going to ask you to wait.” She stepped back, turned toward the window. “You need me, and hearing you say that is wonderful, even more wonderful than when you first told me you loved me. But Connor needs me, too. And he’s just a little boy. He’s my little boy, and he’s frightened.”
She took a deep breath, so that she could get it all out cleanly. “You want marriage, family, and you’re entitled to that. You’re entitled to have someone who’s free to give you what you want and need. But I’m not free, and I may never be free. I can’t give you what you’re entitled to, so I can’t be with you, Devin.”
“You expect me just to step back, as if nothing’s happened between us? Just step back and wait?”
“No. It’s time you stopped waiting.”
“There’s no one but you.”
Her heart ripped in two ragged pieces—one for the man, one for the boy. “You haven’t let there be. I let you hold on to me, Devin. I think part of me always knew you’d be there. And that was so unfair. I’m trying to be fair now, to everyone.”
“Fair? It’s fair to toss me, all of what we have together, aside, because a ten-year-old boy demands it? When the hell are you going to take charge, Cassie?”
It was the first time he’d ever hurt her. She faced it, accepted it. “That’s what I’m trying to do. Taking charge doesn’t always mean doing what you want. Sometimes it means doing what’s right for the people you love.”
“Damned if I’ll beg you.” Suddenly bitter, suddenly furious, he bit off each word. “Damned if I’ll ask you again, Cassie. I’ve had enough of standing on the sidelines and breaking my heart over you. I’ve stripped myself bare for the last time.”
“Hurting you is the last thing I want, Devin. But I can’t give you what you need most, so I can’t give you anything.”
His eyes cut into her, as hard and searing as his voice. “It’s time it was down to all or nothing. You’ve made your choice. Looks like I’ve made mine.”
She listened to his receding footsteps, heard the door slam downstairs. This, she knew, was what Abigail had felt when she sent the man she loved away. This emptiness, this emptiness that was too huge for grief.
Cassie sat on the edge of the bed, buried her face in her hands, and sobbed.