Out in the End Zone (Out in College 2)

“Hi. I thought you’d be out…or asleep,” Derek said.

“I’m going to bed now.”

I shared a knowing glance with Gabe when Derek reached for the bag of potato chips, folding the seam precisely. No doubt he’d caught on right away that his boyfriend was a world-class neat freak.

“Good. It’s two a.m. Don’t you have a game tomorrow?”

“Yeah, Mom. I do. I think.” I sat up gingerly and rubbed the back of my neck before attempting to stand.

“Are you sick?” Derek gave me a suspicious once-over.

“I’m fine. Just tired.”

Gabe flopped into the chair next to me and picked up the remote. He didn’t change the channel or adjust the sound, though. He sat quietly and waited for us to finish up our middle of the night pleasantries. I could end it by going to bed, but I didn’t have the energy to move yet.

“What happened?” Derek asked softly.

“Nothing happened,” I lied.

“Then why aren’t you with Mitch?”

I felt my defenses rise around me like an invisible brick wall. I looked up at Derek and prepared a scornful speech letting him know he had the wrong idea about me. But the second I opened my mouth, the wall began to slowly crumble. I couldn’t lie to my newly un-closeted friend and his boyfriend. I’d been too engrossed in my own drama to pay close attention, but I knew they’d gone through a lot just to be together. Not as teammates. As lovers. Pleading ignorance at this point would be insulting and dishonest. Derek deserved better than that.

“He told me I needed space. Or maybe he needed space. And since he’s not returning my texts and calls, I think that means…you know.” I couldn’t even say it. My chest was heavy. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to talk.

“Oh.” Derek sat on the coffee table, bracing his elbows on his knees. “What are you going to do?”

I sighed heavily and shrugged. “I don’t know. He took his project down. Erased everything. Some of it was really good too.”

“It was great. Even if you weren’t a couple, you guys had chemistry,” Gabe commented.

“We were a couple,” I said without thinking. “It was real.”

An uncomfortable silence settled over the room. I braved a glance at Derek, who simply nodded. “I know.”

“You know? How did you know?” I whispered in awe. “When?”

“Recently.” He looked at Gabe then back at me. “I think we’ve been going through this at the same time. I didn’t know you were…”

“Bi.” There. I said it. The word sounded funny coming from me and referring to me, but Gabe and Derek didn’t seem to notice.

“Yes. Bi.” He smiled wanly then continued, “You spent a lot of time with Mitch but I didn’t know anything until I saw a video. The way you looked at him sort of gave you away. But I was still too caught up with Gabe and school and polo, and I didn’t want to say anything. I figured you’d tell me when you were ready. If you’re not ready, that’s cool. I’m around if you want to talk.”

Tears stung my eyes. I didn’t trust my voice, but I managed a brief, “Thanks.”

“I just want to remind you that you told me I should be true to myself and love who I wanted. It’s good advice. And I know it’s always easier to give advice than take it yourself but…dude, you only get one life. One chance. Be good to yourself. You’re stronger than you know.”

“You sound like you’re reading cocktail napkins at a yoga wine and cheese party,” I huffed with a half laugh as I clandestinely wiped at my eyes.

Gabe leaned forward and kissed Derek’s temple and chuckled. “He’s right, though. Do what makes you happy. The rest is bullshit.”

I nodded in agreement. It was all bullshit.

Yet somewhere under the lies of omission, posturing, and flat-out denial, there was truth. Telling it would take a fuckload of courage, but I didn’t have a chance if I didn’t go for it. And doing nothing at all was another form of giving up. Not okay.

8

My brain buzzed all night with Olympic-caliber inspirational ideas to win my man back. I was Rocky Balboa training on the stairs in Philadelphia, Babe Ruth hitting his longest home run, and the whole USA hockey team winning a miracle on ice. Blood pulsed through my veins to an internal soundtrack encouraging me to give everything I had to come up with the ultimate win. But nothing was going to happen if I didn’t make a few key moves first.

First, I sent a text to Mitch asking him to come to my game. He wasn’t responding to my messages so I sent a backup one to Chelsea asking for help. Of course she didn’t just say yes.

Why? What if he says no? she asked.

Tell him it’s important.

And if he still says no?