Out in the Offense (Out in College 3)

“Shh! You’re going to—”

Rory swept me into his arms and kicked the door shut behind him. He held me for a while; then he pulled back slightly and captured my face. “Fuck, I was worried about you. It was complete bedlam around the locker rooms. The police descended, evacuated and cordoned off the area. Some woman I think might be your mom was crying and…what the hell happened?”

“I came out.”

“And they sent a SWAT team? I don’t think so. Try again.”

Unbelievably, I laughed. I padded back to the sofa and typed a quick message to my mom to let her know I was okay before tossing my cell onto the coffee table and curling into a corner with a pillow clutched against my chest.

“Want something to drink?” I offered.

“No, thanks. I want you to talk to me.” He cast his eyes around the open living area. “Nice place, by the way.”

“Thanks. How’d you know where I live?”

“Max. I met him in the bleachers tonight. I was waiting for you to return my text, and we started talking just as all hell broke loose. I’m surprised you got out of there without anyone seeing you.”

“I’m pretty quick.” I shrugged weakly.

Rory flopped beside me on the sofa, snatched the pillow from my hands, and tucked me against his chest. “I know you are.”

I felt my muscles relax as he cradled my head and absently pressed kisses on my temple. He was a buoy in a storm. Literally. My cell phone vibrated noisily on the wood table, reminding me I had a slew of people who wanted answers. I supposed Rory did too, but unlike my parents, coaches, and teammates, he felt safe. For now.

I sat up slowly and told him what happened. The celebration, the graffiti, the silence, my exit speech. Everything. “I didn’t know how to handle it, but I didn’t want to deal with everyone, including the police, at the same time. So I said good-bye and left. Maybe leaving was cowardly, but…I couldn’t face everyone.”

Rory lifted my chin tenderly. “I get it. But you haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I know. But I couldn’t deal with all that disappointment at once. My parents are super conservative and religious, Rory. They don’t want to know I’m gay. Even if they suspected I was gay, they’re the type of people who’d prefer not to talk about it. Ever. Did you know a reporter was in the locker room taking video? This is going to be everywhere, and there’s a good chance my folks will never talk to me again. Then there’s Flannigan and Perez. Their quarterback is gay. Quarterback. Not the kicker or the special-teams guy who rarely sees playing time. I’m the leader. I can’t be gay. I can’t—”

“Stop it. You are gay. And you’re a good man and a strong leader. Gay isn’t synonymous with weak, Christian. You know better than that,” he replied firmly.

I nodded. “Yeah, but I have to convince them. I’ve been trying my whole life but it’s not enough. I get good grades, but I suck at math. I’m a good quarterback, but I can only take it so far. Then what? I’m the gay son. The gay former athlete. I don’t know what comes next. I never did. I figured I’d graduate, move and start over where no one knows me, and I don’t have to worry about all the ways I’m never gonna be enough.” I swiped at my face as my fears gained momentum, leaving me feeling sick and dizzy.

“Hey, that’s not true. You had a crappy night and—”

“No. I had an amazing night.” I jumped to my feet and paced to the window before turning to face him. “I was a fucking god out there. I had a great game. Five passing touchdowns, Rory. Five. Most pros don’t do that in a single game. Sure, the competition wasn’t great, but we were still on fire. Do you have any idea how it feels to go from hero to having your entire team stare at you with pity and disgust and—”

“No one was disgusted. You’re projecting that. Those guys love you, Christian. I heard them after the cops came. They rallied around you. They support you. They’ve got your back. Do you realize how lucky you are?”

I hung my head in defeat and perched on a corner of the sofa. “In some ways, I know I am. But the rest…my parents, the coaches, my future…I don’t know where to start. Fuck, I wanna run away.”

“It wouldn’t help. You’d still be you. And if you ask me, that’s something to be proud of.” Rory furrowed his brow and gave me an intense look. “I know you feel overwhelmed right now, but you’re not alone. I’m here and—”

“But you can’t be,” I choked.

He drew back and cocked his head. “What do you mean?”