Out in the Field (Out in College 4)

“Yes. I like everything, but I tend to listen to a lot of electropop. You know, dance music and mood music to help me get in the right frame of mind.” He ran his fingers along my arm and asked, “So…what do you really listen to?”

“I told you I—”

“No, you told me what your friend listens to. Hey, I promise I won’t judge…unless you tell me you listen to seventies love songs on repeat.” He winked.

I huffed derisively. “Definitely not.”

“So…?”

“Fine. I like Queen.”

“O-kay. Why is that a secret?”

I started to brush him off, but something told me that the guy with the purple painted toes wouldn’t judge me too harshly.

“It’s not, but…I like the new version of Queen. I have a huge Adam Lambert crush. Huge. And I’m kinda OCD. There’s a good chance I’ll give myself away if I talk about things or people I’m really into. I can’t just say ‘cool band.’ I’m the freak who gushes about my favorite songs and how many times I’ve seen them in concert.”

“Everyone does that.”

“Yeah, well, I overdo it. I don’t do neutral very well. It’s better if I stick to what everyone knows I like so I don’t accidentally overshare.”

“Are you saying that your family and closest friends think the only thing you care about is baseball?”

“And video games.” I waggled my brows and set my hand on his hip.

“Safe stuff.”

“Maybe,” I conceded.

“Tell me something dangerous about you.”

“Dangerous? What do you mean?”

Phoenix’s eyes twinkled merrily. “Something no one would suspect about you.”

“I’m gay,” I deadpanned.

“That’s not what I meant. I’ll give you an example. I’m obsessed with cooking shows and I’m deathly afraid of lightning. Oh…and failure.”

“Everyone’s afraid of failure to some degree.”

“And rejection,” he added. “But let’s not get sidetracked. It’s your turn.”

“How do I know I can trust you?” I kept my tone playful, but I was serious.

He wove his pinky finger around mine and kissed my hand. “Pinky promise.”

“That’s it?” I asked incredulously.

“What do you want?”

“Your firstborn or something. No…kids are a lot of work. I’ll take your dog,” I said.

Phoenix chuckled. “I don’t have a dog.”

“You don’t have a dog, and I’m supposed to trust you? This isn’t gonna work,” I teased. “Do you at least have a cat?”

“No.” He busted up laughing when I flopped on my back and stared at the ceiling. “But I’ll adopt one and give it to you if it makes you feel better.”

“Hmph. I’m not sure why, but I do trust you, so I’m gonna tell you two things no one knows. Not even Christian. But you have to swear to secrecy.”

He must have sensed a change in my voice. Phoenix sobered immediately and scooted closer still. “I promise.”

I studied the flecks of gold in his eyes and his long dark lashes. He looked so earnest and kind and maybe a bit concerned too. I pushed my bogus arachnophobia story aside and dug a little deeper.

“I’ve known I was gay since I was thirteen.”

“That doesn’t sound like a deep secret.”

“Well, here’re two things that go with that info. Number one, I thought about giving up baseball because I didn’t think gay guys were allowed to play. Some moron in a rec league said it and it stuck with me. In fact, it haunted me like a bad dream I couldn’t shake when the sun came up. I could hear these voices telling me over and over, ‘You can’t play. This isn’t for you.’ The only way I could make the voices go away was to keep playing. I don’t mean continue going to practices and games. I mean…nonstop. I begged my dad to throw the ball around before school. I went to the batting cages before practice and after games. I was obsessed. But I don’t think I was obsessed with the sport. I just wanted to…”

“What?”

“I wanted to keep the voices quiet. I still do. And that’s why I don’t have a real shot at the big leagues. My fear is bigger than my desire. My dad always says, ‘You’re never gonna win if you play not to lose.’ And he’s right. I play to win when I’m on the field and I play not to lose when I’m off.”

“Do you ever think you want to be out?”

“Yeah. I just don’t know when. Maybe after I graduate,” I said, rubbing his hip absently. “When did you come out?”

Phoenix chuckled. “I was born out. I’ve been my mom and sister’s official fashion and makeup consultant since I was twelve. I don’t mean to stereotype myself, but I’m that guy. I loved glitter, rainbows, and anything sparkly when I was a kid. I like to think my tastes are a little more sophisticated now, but I couldn’t resist this purple nail polish.”

I captured his foot and kissed the inside of his calf. “I like it. I like your eyeliner too.”