Out in the Field (Out in College 4)

I half expected him to ask for me to go harder and faster, but we were completely in sync. We made love in a perfect cadence of give-and-take. Maybe that was a flowery sentiment, but that was what it felt like. He lifted his hips to meet every thrust, every push and pull. He wound himself around me, raking his nails down my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear. When his sighs of pleasure reached a feverish high, he clung to me for dear life and fell apart. And I was right there with him.

I felt oddly sensitive afterward. Like my emotions were bubbling on the surface. I tightened my hold around him to keep him close. I didn’t want him to look at me. I was sure he’d know exactly what was on my mind. And I didn’t think I could handle it if he said I had the wrong idea. I didn’t know what the right idea was yet.

* * *

A Saturday morning in late March was a good day for baseball. My team had a bye, so I had the whole weekend to hang out with my new favorite person. I suggested making a date out of it. I hoped the lure of a day in Laguna would make the idea of swinging a bat palatable for someone with zero interest in my sport. All he had to do was wear comfortable clothing and sneakers and be ready to go at nine a.m.

Phoenix hopped into my car and flashed a brilliant smile at me as he fastened his seat belt. “I’m ready to do baseball. Put me in, Coach!”

I snickered and gave him a thorough once-over. He wore dark jeans and a blue T-shirt under a black jacket. The pop of color gave his eyes a jewel tone. “You look hot.”

“Am I sporty enough? I didn’t want to overdo it, but Sunny insisted on the hat.” He pulled the black cap from his head to show me.

“Wrong team, but it’s a good idea,” I remarked, grabbing his wrist and pressing a quick kiss on his knuckles.

“How do you know what team it is?”

I rolled my eyes before pulling out of the parking lot. He knew more about baseball at this point than he probably wanted to admit. We spent a lot of time together, and I learned almost immediately that Phoenix was a stickler for details. Especially ones having to do with color and design.

Nonetheless, I humored him. “D is for Diamondbacks. It also stands for ‘dork,’ so you’re all set.”

“Ha. Ha. I’ll save it for later. I don’t want to have hat-head. I wish I had a blue one to go with my shirt, but I’m shocked I had this one.”

“I’ll let you wear my Dodger cap. It’s blue. But it’s a special good luck hat…so you gotta be careful. Or else,” I said in my best gangster voice.

“Okay, thanks. We’ll trade. You can wear this one.”

“No fuckin’ way,” I snorted derisively. “No offense, but that’s not my team. I’ll go without.”

Phoenix chuckled. “Whatever you say. Where to first?”

“Breakfast at the beach. I made reservations at a restaurant my folks took us to a while ago. It’s on a hill in Laguna Beach and has amazing ocean views. I figured we’d hit the cages and then head down to the beach. Sound good?”

“Sounds like a date,” he commented, unable to hide his grin.

“It is.”

“Gosh, I’m gonna think you really like me if you’re not careful,” he teased.

I was tempted to give him what he probably wasn’t expecting. I bit back the “Yes, I’m really fucking crazy about you” declaration and switched gears. “You’ll love Laguna. It’s beautiful.”

“And it’s far.”

“Not too bad. We can get on the toll road and get there in forty minutes.”

“Fine by me. I’ll be very hungry when we get there. I’ve got pancakes on the brain. And bacon. And I’m thinking I—”

“Hey, is this okay?” I intercepted. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want to be seen with you, because that’s not true.”

“Yes, it is. But don’t worry. Those are the rules.”

We were quiet for a few moments, lost in our own thoughts. When Phoenix pointed to the green hillside and made small talk about how blue the sky looked, I crumbled.

“This feels…wrong,” I blurted.

“Then turn around. We don’t have to go any—”

“No. That’s not what I meant. Hiding feels wrong, but you feel right. I don’t know how not to hide, though. I’ve done it my whole life,” I said in a low, strangled-sounding voice. “I just don’t want to insult you or make you think I’m ashamed to be with you. I’m not. I’m…honored. I’m…I guess that’s the word. I’m extraordinarily honored to be with you.”

“Thank you.” Phoenix twisted sideways to face me and leaned across the console to kiss my shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up, Max. When you’re ready, you’ll know.”