Out in the Field (Out in College 4)

It wasn’t going to be that simple. The only person I wanted to talk to was Phoenix, and I couldn’t go to him with a bunch of promises he’d heard a million times. I had to offer him something real. But I couldn’t do anything until I told my team.

Everyone was in a good mood at practice Monday afternoon. The consensus in the dugout was that our win over the weekend was a turning-point moment. With Sky back in the lineup, we had another power hitter and a talented infielder. More importantly, we had the one thing we’d been lacking all season…chemistry. It was bullshit if you asked me, but perception changed mindsets. And in sports, a positive outlook could be a game changer. The person who thinks he can and the person who thinks he can’t are both right. I read that in a fortune cookie once and it made sense.

But baseball players were a superstitious bunch, so it was also true that the guy who willfully rocked the boat when things were finally going well was a real asshole. I sat on the bench and listened to my teammates razz each other as I pulled off my gloves. I waited for a break in the conversation or something I could use as a lead-in. “Did you catch the Angels game last night?” “No, I didn’t. By the way, I’m gay.” Nah…that wasn’t gonna work. It might have to, though. If I was going to catch Phoenix before his Art in Cinema class, I had to move quickly. I was running out of time.

“…like Maldonado’s hit in the ninth. Dude, that was awesome.” When I didn’t respond, Micah chucked his glove at me. “Hey, what’s with you? You’re quiet today.”

“Leave him alone,” Javi said.

“Why? Oh. Got it. Girl problems.”

I zipped my bag and gave myself a one-word pep talk. Now.

“What girl?” Sky asked. “Oh yeah! The girlfriend. Tell us all about her. Oh wait, did you break up with her?”

His snide tone was like nails on a chalkboard. I gave Sky a sharp look as I pulled the strap over my shoulder. But before I could say anything, Javi was in his face.

“Shut up, Jameson.”

“What are you, his fuckin’ keeper?” Sky growled.

“No asshole. I’m his fuckin’ friend,” Javi retorted. “You disappeared for a coupla months on us. You don’t know shit.”

“I know Max. And I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Sky snarked. “Or do you…buddy?”

“Oh, is Max gay? I kinda thought so,” Micah singonged.

Javi hopped from the bench and moved between Sky and me. “What the hell is the matter with—”

“Stop!” I moved to the dugout entrance and glanced down the narrow passage at my teammates. Some looked pissed; others looked amused or confused or just ready to go home. It occurred to me in that flash of a second that they might never look at me the same way again. That was what I dreaded most. Having to prove myself and assure everyone that nothing about me had changed.

“He’s right. I’m gay.” I looked around the dugout and made eye contact with every single one of my teammates before zeroing in on Sky.

Silence.

The longer I stood there, the heavier it seemed. Maybe two words weren’t enough. I flipped my baseball cap backward and licked my lips before trying again.

“It’s true. I’m gay and I always have been.”

More silence. I willed someone to speak. I wasn’t sure I could say anything else.

“Is this real? Are you like, um…coming out?” Javi asked tentatively.

I bit my lip. “Yeah. I guess so. Look, I don’t want this to be awkward, but you should all know a coupla things. This is who I’ve always been. I just didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to come out. Ever. I didn’t think I had to. I didn’t think it was anyone’s business anyway. But now…it feels like something I need to do to move on and grow up. And I’m not ashamed. There’s no reason to hide, so why do it? I’m out.”

“Okay,” Minsky said, nodding as he cast a furtive glance around the dugout, like he was looking for backup. “That’s cool. Right, guys?”

“Yeah. I’m—surprised, but yeah. Of course, we’re cool,” Javi said, slapping my back.

I held eye contact with a few of my teammates. I sensed more confusion than acceptance, but real life didn’t fit together in easy pieces. This might take time. And I had something bigger to do. I inclined my head and waved. “All right. Thanks. See you guys tomorrow.”

I made it halfway to the parking lot when I noticed Sky sprinting after me. He pushed my arm and glared at me.

“You fucking asshole! What are you trying to do?”

“I think it was pretty obvious.”

“You outed me,” he hissed in a strained tone.

“No. I outed me. You come out when you’re ready. I’m not connected to your story anymore. I don’t want your guilt or your misery. I refuse to feel bad about who I am, Sky.” I bit my bottom lip and glanced toward the field before pulling my keys out. “I love baseball and I love my team. I don’t want to quit. In fact, I’m not going to. If they all get together and decide they can’t play with a homo, I’ll show them why they’re wrong. I’m never gonna give up. I’ll still crush the hell out of the ball and tag every runner who crosses first base. But there’s more to life than baseball.”