Out on the Ice (Out in College 5)

“That’s good,” I replied, unsure where he was going with this.

“Yeah. But I still didn’t like the idea. I knew my team would want an explanation for my absence. I couldn’t exactly tell them I had a nervous breakdown after my family cut me off for being gay. But I dropped from the face of the earth and then showed up again halfway through the season like I was gonna save the day. I knew they’d hate me. I’d hate me if I were them too. I thought if Max and I got back together…on the sly, sex only…it would be an easier transition. But he’d moved on. He met Phoenix and even though he was in the closet still, he was happy.”

“And you didn’t like it.”

“No, I didn’t.” He crossed his arms and stared into space for a long moment. “Have you ever…hated yourself so much you just…wanted to give up?”

“Yeah. I have. Between hormones, my parents’ divorce, Mom’s move, Harry, and then my dad…my teenage years sucked. But I got through it, and you did too. Or you will. And if you need anyone to talk to, you got me now.”

Sky smiled. “Thanks. I think I’m getting better, but Max is right to wonder if I’m stable. I’m not a bad guy, I’m just…not good. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be. It means I’m a little messy.”

“Everyone’s messy, Sky.”

“You hate messes.”

“I hate dirty carpets and crumbs on a countertop. That’s not the same thing. The things we keep inside can kill us.” I set my drink between us and leaned forward, bracing my elbows on my knees. “I’m as messy on the inside as you are. Maybe worse.”

“Really? Did you make veiled threats to your ex, try to ingratiate yourself to his parents who used to love you, and insult his current boyfriend because you were so fucking jealous and angry that he’d moved on?”

“Uh, no.”

“Well, I did. When Max came out to our team, I was so…”

“What?”

“Lost. Hurt. Angry.” Sky shrugged. “At myself. I hate that I’m scared. I hate the way I cover it, and I hate the way I hide. But it’s all I’ve ever done. Cover, hide, pretend. So, no…I’m not jealous anymore. It was something I needed to work through, and I wish Max and Phoenix the best. I do. If anything, I wish I was brave like them. The thing is…I’m already alone. My only tie to a family of any kind is my team. I can’t alienate them. I have to keep hiding. I have to pretend it’s okay. Even when it’s not.”

“It’s gonna be okay,” I said softly.

“Maybe. But you’ve been warned. Now you know why you should avoid me. You never know when I’m gonna go bonkers,” he joked.

I sidled closer and leaned against his side. “My shrink says it’s not a matter of going nuts. It’s a control issue. I know how that feels. Not the gay part. That’s new for me. But I have a lot of practice pretending everything’s cool when it actually sucks. And I know what it feels like to be angry and to lash out at the wrong people. Ask Harry someday.”

Sky grinned. “You are kind of a hothead.”

“Understatement of the century. Are you ready to go?”

I slurped the last of my drink and tossed it into the trash can before opening the door. Sky did the same, but he kept his cup of ice. He shook a few cubes loose and chomped on them noisily as he nudged my arm.

“Were you really gonna beat Max up for me?”

I nodded, dodging a pedestrian with his eyes fixed on his cell. “Yeah. It wouldn’t have ended well for either of us, though. He looks pretty tough.”

“He is. He’s a good guy too.”

“Okay, now I am jealous.” I kept my tone light, but I was only half kidding.

“I’m over him. I was a long time ago.” He stopped at the crosswalk and shook his cup again. “I have a crush on you now. And it’s a pretty wicked one.”

My smile hurt my face. “Likewise. You know, I was thinking we don’t really have to hide. I can just introduce you as my friend. And friends do stuff together. Not the stuff I want to do to you, but our teammates don’t need to know that.”

Sky chuckled as he walked backward on the sidewalk. “What kinda stuff do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. Hang out, play video games, watch lame Star Wars cartoons…you could even come to one of my games sometime.”

“Invite me.”

“Huh?”

“To your game.”

“Which one?”

“Any of them.”

“Okay. You officially have a standing invitation to come whenever you want.”

“To come whenever I want.” He palmed his cock through his shorts and winked. “I like this deal.”

“You know that’s not fair. My dick is dying to break out of my jeans, and it’s hot as fuck…” I licked my lips and glanced skyward before wiping my brow. “Geez, it’s gotta be a hundred degrees.”