Out on the Ice (Out in College 5)

Sky grinned. “God, I love it when you get all badass. Wish I could have seen it in person.”

“You had to water the plants,” I teased, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth impulsively.

“True. And put the lasagna in the oven,” he said, waggling his brows. “Back to your badness…hockey doesn’t count ’cause it’s practically your job to fight.”

“Let’s see…” I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “Um, I think I lost my cool when you looked at my paper in summer school, and I got accused of cheating.”

Sky kissed my neck and palmed my cock under the water. “That actually turned out okay, though.”

“Mmm. True. I guess I haven’t totally come undone in a while. It was a daily thing in high school. If I didn’t have hockey and friends like Elliot to pull me out of my room and remind me life could be good, I might not be here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was ready to check out when my dad died. Everything seemed kind of…hopeless, meaningless. Everything I worked for was never going to become what I hoped it would. And the one guy who made anything seem possible was gone. I didn’t think I had much to live for,” I said softly. “But I wasn’t ready to die…so I just made everyone else’s life miserable. Seemed fair at the time. Now I know I was just a prick. I feel bad about some of the things I did and said to Harry. Poor guy. I used to see how long I could go without talking to him. I went a whole week once. I didn’t answer his questions, I didn’t look at him at dinner. My therapist suggested it was a case of misplaced anger. I think I yelled at her,” I deadpanned.

Sky smiled. “Mmm. Sounds reasonable.”

“It wasn’t. But it’s hard for the average fifteen or sixteen-year-old who’s grieving to come up with the right words to tell the universe it fucking sucks. So, I blamed Harry. And every time I came home with a crappy attitude, moaning about everything from school to a lack of mosquitoes in the summer and sunshine all damn year, Harry would just…smile and tell me he understood. That pissed me off more. And one day, I lost it. I mean…lost it.

“Everything set me off. They were serving pizza instead of chicken nuggets in the cafeteria, the girl I had a crush on told me Billy Hauser asked her to prom, my binder broke in the middle of homeroom and my notes went flying.…You name it, it happened. None of it added up to much, but I wasn’t home, and I didn’t have anything or anyone I could rely on to make it better. I missed my friends in Michigan, I missed my old team, my old coach. And I really fuckin’ missed my dad. So much…that I sat on the front porch and listened to his old voice messages.”

“You saved them?” Sky asked.

“Yeah, I still have ’em.”

I jumped out of the hot tub and grabbed my phone from on top of our clothes. I sat on the ledge, next to Sky, and scrolled through old voice mails until I found what I was looking for.

“Hey buddy, I was at the rink today and I ran into Gretzky. He says ‘I hear your boy is gonna give me a run for my money someday.’ I told him to watch out for Colby Fischer. Okay, none of that happened, but it will. Keep working hard. And don’t forget to fuckin’ call me. It’s boring as hell out here without you. Love you, kid.”

I sighed heavily and tossed my cell toward our clothes before sinking into the water again. When I spoke again, my voice was thick with emotion. “That’s from nine years ago. I haven’t listened to that one in a while, but after he died, I needed to hear Dad’s voice every day. I used to torture myself with these. I thought it would help, but on bad days, they made everything go dark. Like the day of the broken binder…I went inside and found Harry and Mom canoodling in the kitchen. All I could think after my initial ‘God, that’s gross,’ was that Harry stole my life. It was his fault that I was here, and my dad was dead, and my mom loved him, and I’d never get a real shot to play hockey, and blah, blah, blah. You know, teenage angst times ten.”

“Sounds kind of normal.”

“Sure, until I went to my room and fucking shredded it. I threw books and furniture, slashed a pillow and tore a comforter, and broke down like a kid. My mom started crying and Harry…”

My nostrils flared and my eyes blurred with tears. I blinked at them furiously and swallowed hard.

Sky caressed my arm, then gently put his around me. “What did Harry do?”