Starting from Zero (Starting from 1)

“It’s a way to get a bigger contract, T. For the band. Not just for me. For all of us.” I launched into a brief explanation about the letter of intent I’d received. “Read the email.”

I pulled up the message and thrust my phone at him. Tegan scanned the message and handed it back.

“Interesting. Your boyfriend just texted you.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I replied, glancing at the text. What time are you off?

I replied before stuffing my cell into my pocket.

“Whatever. I wish you’d told me about this shit sooner.”

“I literally just got this email today. I wanted to—”

“That’s not what I meant. I asked you about him when you let me think you had a job filing records for him. I’m not an idiot. I knew sudden access to his in-house studio had to be tied to something. I thought it was your ass. I didn’t realize it was a sell-out contract,” he huffed derisively.

“Fuck you,” I hissed.

Tegan held his hands up in surrender and shook his head. “Hey, someone has to keep it real. Jus, has it occurred to you that they’re telling you what you want to hear to get what they want? Nobody shows up and hands a contract over because they heard you sing a few songs at a dive bar. It’s the same thing as showing up to Carmine’s only to find they booked us to open for Xena.”

“That’s what Rory said, but it’s not like that.”

“It’s exactly what it’s like. You’re losing sight of what’s real because you’re getting sex on the side. ‘It’s all good, man. Come on by. I’ll suck your dick and we’ll write a love song and you’ll be famous one day,’ ” Tegan chided in a laid-back “dude” tone. “Un-fucking-real.”

“You sound paranoid.”

“Maybe I am paranoid, but you know what? I have every fucking right to be. She walked in on us, Justin. Not just you. I was there too. When she blabbed all over town that she caught her ex with a man. That was me.” Tegan thumped his chest, then closed the distance between us until we stood toe to toe. “Me. And that was my reputation. And in case you’re curious, it sucks that I can’t walk into a club looking for a gig for our band without wondering if they’re willing to give us a chance for the same reason those Hollywood assholes showed up to Carmine’s in the first place. We’re a curiosity. A flash in the pan cashing in on a so-called scandal. Just like Xena. She’s right. Sign while you can. By this time next year, no one is gonna give a shit anyway.”

Tegan’s heated stare threw me off. This whole weird-ass chain of events threw me off. I was supposed to be the hothead, not T. He was strong and reliable, the friend everyone could count on, and the backbone of every band we’d been in together. If he was pissed, I knew I should listen up and try to make things right. But my gut insisted that in spite of all the warning flags, this was real.

“Wait,” I called as he turned toward the club. “Look, I was going to lay all this out for you tomorrow. I’m not hiding anything. I’m just…trying to get it right this time.”

“On your own. See, that’s the problem. If you’re in a fuckin’ band, there is no ‘on your own.’ Being the idiot who follows you around with a set of bongo drums to play for latte drinkers after stepping over your underwear in my living room has lost its charm. You eat my yogurt, you never replace the toilet paper, and you only sporadically pick up your shit. Now it turns out you’re leading a double life.”

“Christ, I’m not leading a double life! I didn’t want to overpromise and underdeliver. I was trying to do this the right way, but…I’m sorry. I’ll buy you more yogurt and I’ll—”

“I don’t want that. I don’t want anything but the truth. Why would you agree to write a love song in the first place if not for money?”

“I like Gray. And I’m writing the song because I like being with him. That’s it. I swear that part has nothing to do with my personal aspirations or even the band. It’s just him. He’s smart and funny and yes, I probably learn something every time he corrects my finger position on the fret, but I don’t care about that. When we get together to write or play music, I forget I’m supposed to have an end game.”

Tegan cocked his head and gave me a funny look. “Are you in love with him?”

“I don’t do love,” I scoffed. “And I’m not a total idiot. I’m not signing away a song for Xena unless Zero gets one too. I’ve been holding out because I wanted to give you something real. A letter of intent isn’t a contract, but it’s more than we had yesterday. We can’t give up now, T. We gotta practice like crazy and take advantage of every gig Charlie picks up for us. Not because we’re banking on the studio offering us anything, but because we want to succeed. For us.” I held eye contact for a long moment before continuing. “I know I don’t make it easy, but I’m beggin’ you to hang with me. We’re in this together, man. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not deserting you. I promise.”