Starting from Zero (Starting from 1)

Seb gaped at me before slowly standing. He set his beer bottle on the piano bench and held his arms open in a helpless gesture.

“What are we doing? Where is this coming from, Gray?”

“I’m tired of doing things your way. Keeping quiet, keeping the peace. I love you, but I haven’t been in love with you for years. It happened gradually. Every time I couldn’t touch you in public, every time I had to step aside for a Hollywood starlet to take my place at a movie premiere, every time I had to fudge the truth with Charlie so he wouldn’t think for one second our incredible dysfunction meant he wasn’t loved…has led us here.

“Zero doesn’t want your contract, Seb. They’re gonna do it their way, and I bet they’ll be amazing. They have an incredibly talented manager, who might not know the ins and outs of the business but is willing to give it his all. They’re going to be okay.”

“What about us?” he asked in a small voice.

“We’ll be fine too. We have no choice. We know each other far too well,” I huffed.

“What about you?”

I met his gaze as I splayed my fingers over the piano keys and picked up the melody where I’d left off. “That, I don’t know.”

Seb sat beside me on the bench and nudged my elbow until I stopped. “So you are in love with him. Why didn’t you admit it when I asked you that same fucking question a month ago?”

“I didn’t know. And now, I do and I’m…I don’t know what I am without him. I guess I’m just…empty.”

“Can I fix it?”

I jerked my head in surprise. “No. It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

“Then you fix it,” he replied irritably.

“Gee, thanks for the advice,” I snarked.

“I wish I’d tried to undo the mess I made when I lost you. I wish I was brave enough to put you first when I still had a chance to make it right.”

“Seb…”

He smiled. “I know. It’s different now, and it’s probably for the best, but if you think he’s special, find a way before you’re left with an empty house again and a fuckton of regret. It’s not too late. You just have to be brave.”

* * *

Once upon a time, I was very brave. At least when it came to music.

My access was limited when I was growing up. I had to search for it in record stores, libraries, and at school and church. There was no internet. No fast exchange of ideas and words, but it didn’t matter. Music found a way. It called to the quiet only child in me and encouraged me to spread my wings and fly. That might sound corny, but it was true. I’d always admired people like Justin. The reckless, hungry souls who couldn’t hide behind their talent if they tried.

I wasn’t like that at all. And now I lived in a glass house with a view of the city where I could observe life and lovers and write their stories from above where they couldn’t touch me. I craved the anonymity Justin joked about the first night we met. I’d been burned by the spotlight. The scars weren’t the kind that faded. They were deep wounds that conjured painful memories. At forty-four, I wasn’t interested in tempting fate again. Sex was one thing, love was another.

But I couldn’t get him out of my head. I couldn’t pretend to be indifferent or unfazed. When I saw Justin onstage at Carmine’s, I knew he was special. I didn’t realize then that he was my missing piece. I might survive, but I could never be whole without him. And what was the point? Now I knew what it felt like to skateboard with my best friend, play guitar on the roof, and make love with my eyes wide open and my heart fully exposed. Scary as fuck…but exhilarating.

I had to get him back.

* * *

“They’re going on in five minutes. Want a drink?” Seb asked, gesturing toward the bar.

“Yeah, sure.” I nodded distractedly, then scanned the area, stepping sideways to avoid bumping into a drunk patron carrying three beers to his friends.

The Fix was a half step up from a dive bar. It was set up like most clubs, with a raised platform area that served as a stage, a sticky bar in the back, and a standing-room-only policy. On the plus side, it was slightly bigger than Carmine’s, and the crowd was young and enthusiastic. They seemed to know Zero too. I overheard a couple of college-aged girls discussing them with a reverence that made me smile.

“I love that song, ‘Funny Feeling.’ It’s kinda sweet and edgy at the same time. Like Justin. Oh my God, he’s so hot.”

“So is Ky. Never mind, they’re all freaking gorgeous.”

I smiled at their star-struck tones and nodded my thanks when Seb handed me a gin and tonic.