Starting from Scratch (Starting from 2)

“No, you won’t. I’ll fix it and—”

“You can’t fix me, Charlie. This is who I am and I—baby, don’t cry.” Ky pulled me against his chest.

I let him hold me again as sobs wracked my body. I had no shame. It should have been embarrassing, but I couldn’t access appropriate emotions. Everything hurt. It took me a minute to pull myself together. We stared at each other and let the silence bury the words we didn’t want to speak. The false promises and well-intentioned pleas.

After a long moment, I dried my eyes on my sleeve and stepped onto the curb.

“I’m not going to say good-bye,” I whispered.

“We don’t have to. We’re friends. That’s not gonna change.”

Friends. I wasn’t sure how to say that was exactly what I didn’t want, so I bit my bottom lip, willing myself not to cry again when he touched my arm and skirted the truck.

I called his name before he opened the door.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” I blurted. “I just need to say it once. I need you to know. I promise not to say it again. I just can’t keep it inside. I’ll do my best to act normal, but it may take some time. And then we’ll be okay.”

Ky froze. “Charlie…”

“You should go.”

I couldn’t see through the sheen of tears. I heard the door close, the engine roar to life, and then the sound of wheels moving away. I listened to the traffic in the distance, the crows squawking in the trees behind me. Background music that didn’t require my presence. I could be here and be invisible. I sat on the curb and hugged my arms around my knees and pretended to be anyone but me.

11

Charlie

I wasn’t sure how much time passed. Maybe twenty minutes, maybe less. I stared at the row of palm trees on the horizon, shivering when the wind blew through the hills. I had to move or I’d freeze. Or worse…Tegan or Johnny would see me when they left for the night. Of course the ultimate worst-case scenario would be for Gray to find me. But I didn’t think of that one until it was too late.

Headlights penetrated the growing darkness, blinding me for a second before turning into the driveway. The engine died, the door closed, and footsteps faded.…Then they stopped and turned toward me.

“Charlie?”

I glanced up at Gray and gave a tight smile. “Hi.”

“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”

“I thought people from Minnesota were supposed to have thicker skin,” I said. I would have been proud of my powers of deflection if my voice hadn’t cracked and given me away.

“What’s wrong?” Gray asked, setting his bag on the sidewalk, then crouching to sit beside me on the curb. “Are you okay?”

I nodded absently and shook my head. “No. I’m not good. I’m really, really not good.”

Gray set his arm around my shoulder and held me. “What happened?”

I shrugged helplessly. “I tried to fix him.”

“Hmm. He didn’t like that, eh?”

“No. I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t want to let go, but—” I turned when another car door slammed. My ridiculously hopeful self looked for Ky’s silhouette in the shadows. Maybe he’d gotten as far as the 405 and realized he couldn’t live without me…or that traffic was so bad, he might as well come wait it out for a little while longer. No such luck.

“…the team lands at noon. They should have more than enough time to set up for an evening shoot. Yeah. Okay. Sounds good…”

“What’s he doing here?” I hissed.

Gray pulled back slightly and gave me a funny look. “He came by for dinner. Ollie’s at his mom’s and—”

“I’m going home. I can’t do this.”

“Do what? Charlie!”

“What’s going on?” my dad asked.

I didn’t wait to hear Gray’s response. I hurried inside to get my shit from the studio and get out in record time. I started down the hall but froze when I heard Tegan’s voice and backtracked to the entry before racing up the stairs to my old room. I sat on the bed and lowered my head between my knees, willing myself to get a fucking grip.

“Char?”

I groaned aloud. “I’m literally falling apart right now. I think we should just hang caution tape across the doorway and call it a day. I’m not fit for peopling.”

Dad sighed before moving into my room. He pulled out the desk chair and glanced at Gray. “The drama has to come from your side of the family.”

Gray chuckled as he sat on the foot of the bed. “Yeah, somehow I doubt it.”

“Are you all right?” Dad asked cautiously.

“No. I just got dumped. I’m not well at all. And I can’t make it better. I’m just going to sit here until everyone’s gone, then I’ll go home and hibernate for a night or two…or more. I don’t know,” I sighed. “I don’t know anything anymore.”