Feel the Fire (Hotshots 3)

“My life is here. It feels like it would be so much easier—”

For the first time, anger replaced longing, stiffening his spine and making his heels dig into the carpet. “And this is how I ended up back here in the first place. So much easier for the single guy to uproot himself. Every. Damn. Time. All I’ve got is a cranky cat. My preferences and connections and life don’t count.”

“I didn’t mean it would be easy.” Untangling himself from Luis’s fingers, Tucker held up both hands. “And I’m not saying your life doesn’t count. I know you’re close to your family. But there’s going to be a position open here. You could put in for it, give us a trial run, see if being here permanently would be that unbearable.”

How could someone so damn smart and insightful be so damn wrong? Luis’s mind hissed like an overfull teakettle left on the stove too long. That Tucker wanted him to stay so badly was understandable, but his stubbornness was about to make Luis boil over.

“Tucker. Do you get what you’re asking? You’re not willing to even entertain the possibility of the converse, but I’m supposed to be eager to uproot my life?”

“Sorry. I’m not being fair. I get that.” Tucker reached for his hand again, and fool that he was, Luis let him have it. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to let this go.”

“Me either.” Fighting to keep an even tone, Luis squeezed his hand. “But I don’t see a way out of this mess either. I know you can’t leave. But I also know me, and I don’t want to promise moving and then end up resenting the move.”

“Or me.” Tucker’s voice was hollow, all his earlier conviction gone now.

“That too. Maybe especially. I like you, Tucker. I want to keep liking you.” Dropping Tucker’s hand, he paced away from the bed. “I wish like hell there was some way out of this, but I can’t magically make LA appear next to Bend.”

“I know. I want you to stay. You want me to go.” Hands on his knees, Tucker leaned forward. “The alternative of occasionally meeting in the middle in the Bay Area or something isn’t really that palatable to either of us.”

“No. It’s not.” A chill seemed to sweep through the room with the finality of his words.

“Damn. This hurts.” Pushing off the bed, Tucker strode over to where Luis had ended up by the fireplace and hugged him from behind, head resting against his.

“I know. It does. Me too.” He pulled Tucker tighter against him, like that might stave off what he knew in his soul was coming next. “And I know it means shit now, but I didn’t intend to hurt you. Or me, for that matter. I don’t think either of us intended to fall like this.”

“Yeah.” Tucker’s exhale was warm on the back of Luis’s neck. “So what now?”

He gave in to the urge to slump against Tucker. “Hell, if I know. Feels trite to say that we should try to make the most of the time we have left, but that’s all I’ve got.”

Gently settling Luis back upright, Tucker stepped away in a surprising move that made Luis mourn his nearness. He scrubbed at his hair, not meeting Luis’s gaze. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Okay. Fair enough. I should probably go.” The last thing he wanted was to make things worse or hurt Tucker more, but he hadn’t realized how much he’d been counting on a few more days until that possibility was gone. However, Tucker stopped him before he could turn, hand on his arm.

“You don’t have to leave. It’s late.”

“Be miserable together? No.” Time for Luis to be the realist again, do the hard thing. “Your kids will be around tomorrow if not tonight. You don’t need us making sad eyes at each other all day. And I don’t want to keep hurting you, either. Prolonging the misery for either of us is simply torture at this point.”

“Yeah.” Tucker’s mouth was a thin, hard line and his grip tightened on Luis’s arm. “Damn. I hate this.”

“Me too. Me too. So much.” And then Tucker was pulling him into a desperate embrace. They kissed artlessly, mouths rough and needy, hands grabbing, and Luis wasn’t even sure who started it, only that he couldn’t be the one to end it. Breathing hard, he broke the kiss, but kept holding on to Tucker.

“See what I mean? I can’t stay and make things worse.”

“That wasn’t worse.” Tucker gave him a crooked grin that didn’t change his sad eyes.

“But it wasn’t better either.” Digging deep for strength, he made himself step away, go to his bag, get out clothes. Next step would be rounding up his blasted cat, who might miss this place even more than him, and that was saying something because Luis was going to carry this room, this man, in his heart forever.