Strong Enough

“Oh Jesus, his car is ridiculous. You could eat off the floor.” She backed out of her parking spot. “Not that he lets anyone eat in it. And he practically has heart palpitations any time he has to ride in mine.”

I couldn’t resist asking more about him. “Was he always so neat and organized? Even as a kid?”

“Yep. Always kept his bedroom perfectly clean, never left his toys out, used to love washing his bike more than riding it. His friends would be like, ‘Derek, it’s called a dirt bike! It’s supposed to have dirt on it!’”

I laughed, picturing that gap-toothed, dark-haired boy I’d seen in the picture over the fireplace scrubbing away at his spokes. “I can see that.”

“He’s such a good guy, but he takes himself so seriously sometimes. Always has.”

“But he’s so successful. He’s got that beautiful house, and a good job, a great car. He takes such good care of everything. He’s so generous to everyone. He seems perfect to me.” For a second, I thought I’d said too much, but Ellen didn’t seem fazed.

“He’s pretty close to perfect, I suppose. If you’re judging by appearances. But I don’t know how happy he is.”

I had to know more. “You don’t think he’s happy?”

She thought for a moment. “I think he’s lonely. But he doesn’t really talk about his feelings.”

“I can understand that.”

“But I know he wants a family and thought he’d have one by now, and I think that affects him. I don’t know if he’s told you, but he had a really serious girlfriend for a while. In fact, he bought the house intending to move into it with her. They were going to get married.”

My stomach felt like I’d swallowed rocks. “Oh.”

“He had this perfect life all mapped out—the house, the wife, the kids. Then she broke it off, and I think he’s been sort of lost ever since. Felt like he’d failed, and if there’s anything Derek hates more than dirt, it’s failure.”

I smiled, but I felt for Derek. My biggest fear was failure, too. Questions I didn’t allow myself to ask were constantly threatening like storm clouds in the back of my mind. What if I couldn’t make it here? What if I had to go back to Russia? What if I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, driven enough to achieve what I wanted?

“Part of that comes from our parents,” Ellen went on. “Or at least our dad. He was really hard on the boys growing up—strict rules, high standards, lots of pressure to be the best at everything, whether it was sports or school. I probably had it the easiest, or maybe I just cared the least what my parents wanted.” She laughed. “I was the black sheep. I spent a lot of time being grounded.”

“But you turned out pretty successful, too.”

“Thanks.” She flashed me a smile. “That was fun last night, wasn’t it?”

You have no idea. “Yes.”

“And I’m so glad I got to meet Carolyn.”

“Have they been together long?” I felt guilty even asking, like it was disrespectful to Derek. But I couldn’t help myself.

“Not too long. And I don’t think it’s too serious between them, but since the breakup three years ago, he’s hardly dated anyone. I don’t know if he’s just ridiculously picky or if there really isn’t anyone out there good enough for him,

but it’s such a shame, you know? Here’s a guy who’s dying to have a family, and he’d be the best husband and dad ever because he’s got a great career and great house and he loves taking care of people, but he just can’t meet the right girl. Maybe Carolyn will break the spell.”

I didn’t think so, but I wouldn’t say that to Ellen. In my mind I heard Derek’s voice. The problem is me. Sometimes I don’t know what I want.

Unbelievably, Ellen said this next: “I’ve even wondered if Derek was gay.”

My pulse pounded in my ears. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean there are some signs. I’d never ask him flat out, but I have wondered.”

I had no idea what to say. Thankfully, Ellen was a talker.

“It’s hard because we were raised to believe it’s wrong. I love my dad, but he can be a real asshole about some things, and that’s one of them. He grew up in a religious household in a very conservative part of the country, and that was all he knew. When we moved out here from Ohio and first started to see gay couples, he made a lot of negative comments about it being unnatural and immoral and all that. It’s bullshit, but he believes it.”

“Does Derek believe it?”

“No, I don’t think so. But Derek has always wanted my father’s approval, more than any of us. I don’t see him doing anything that would lower himself in our father’s eyes, even now.” She waved a hand in the air. “And anyway, I could be way off. He’s always dated women, and I know he planned to marry his ex. He’s probably not gay. He’s just a perfectionist. Please don’t tell him I said anything.”