Out of Nowhere (Middle of Somewhere 2)

“Soooo?” he says.

“I don’t understand,” I say, sitting down carefully. I put the paper in the middle of the table and point to number three. “How did I make your life miserable? You didn’t want anything to do with me—with any of us. You were never around. You… were ashamed of us. I don’t… I mean, you didn’t care…. You thought we were losers and you were so much smarter….”

“That’s not true,” Daniel says furiously. “You guys never wanted me around because you thought I was a pansy—your word. All you ever cared about was cars and sports, and the second that I wasn’t good at that stuff or didn’t want to do it, you totally wrote me off, like if I wasn’t just like you, I was fucking worthless!”

“But you were good at that stuff. You were good with cars and you were great at track. You just decided you didn’t want to do them because they were too… you know, not classy enough for you.”

Daniel jerks in his seat, then runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. “I only ran track because I thought Pop might pay attention to me for, like, a second if I did a sport. Not that it worked. He thought track was for sissies. So I quit. I didn’t like it, anyway. And I never thought I was smarter than anyone. I just wanted to learn shit and you guys acted like I fucking betrayed you or something.”

We sit in silence, Daniel pushing the slices of apple around on the plate, me looking anywhere but him.

“Was it just…?” He looks down at his untouched food. “Was it just because I’m gay that you hated me?”

“We didn’t hate you,” I scoff.

“I’m talking about you,” he says softly. “You… hated me. Hate me? I just—I don’t remember exactly when it started, but I… I… we weren’t always like that. I—when I was little, you let me hang out sometimes. When you’d be listening to the radio. And I thought, you know, like, you thought I was okay. But then….” He shakes his head. “Then you hated me. So. Was it the gay thing? Or was it just… me?”

“I… I… I….”

Daniel shakes his head and makes a sandwich with apple and cheese. He only takes one bite before he puts the food down again and squirms.

I don’t know what to say. The story he’s telling… it’s like someone summarizing a movie you saw but hitting only the points you barely noticed. Daniel has his arms wrapped around himself again. It reminds me of Ricky and the way she pulls herself tight, shoulder blades spreading like wings.

“Uh, so how long have you and Rafe been together?” he asks finally.

“Since October, I guess. Around then.”

“How’d you meet?”

“Oh, well. I’ve been helping him out at this place he works. For kids. I’ve been teaching them shit about cars.”

“Really? That’s cool,” Daniel says. “Where at?”

“The Youth Alliance, in Northern Liberties.”

“The queer youth program? Seriously?”

“You’ve heard of it?”

He nods.

I miss the kids. It’s been weeks since I’ve seen them. I wonder how they are. If they think I forgot about them.

“There’s a kid there that reminds me of you,” I say. Only Anders isn’t there anymore. I wonder how things are going for him.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, he just… he’s kind of scrawny and he’s really into Harry Potter. Anyway, it just reminds me of how you were when you were a kid. Always wanting people to read to you and stuff.”

“Yeah, and then Brian would rip up my library books.”

I swallow hard. I don’t remember that.

Daniel shakes his head. “I don’t get it, man. So, when I told you I was gay, you punched me in the stomach so hard I puked and told me that I shouldn’t ever admit it. But now you volunteer at a queer youth center and you’re all fond of these kids and shit?”

My head is spinning. “I didn’t tell you not to admit it—I just… I didn’t want you to be… gay… because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

“Why did you think something bad would happen to me?”

“You were with fucking Buddy and he’s…. And I—you were so little and I didn’t think…. I just wanted to make sure you could take care of yourself.”

Daniel’s looking at me like I’m speaking another language. He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

“That’s why I taught you to fight in the first place. It’s why I tested you sometimes. You know? To make sure that if you needed to, you could protect yourself. That’s all.”

“I was sixteen. I wasn’t a little kid,” Daniel says, but he sounds like he’s choosing his words carefully.

“You were little. And he was—” Fuck! I don’t want to talk about this. “Anyway, you just did whatever you wanted and you didn’t care how much Pop sacrificed to take care of us.”