The Fake Girlfriend Rules

My mind is a fucking mess. Emotions and thoughts are racing like rivers. I'm angry, sad, and hurt. If he thinks I'll marry him out of convenience, he's damn wrong. I love my new job, but I don't need it that bad. I won't just marry him to keep it.

I thought he knew me through and through. I thought I knew him just as well. Obviously, I was wrong. I don't know him as well as I think I did. And that hurts. It hurts to think the one person I thought understood me, doesn't.

Work is important, but it's not a priority when it comes to our friendship. I'd never ignore how special our friendship is and risk it all for my career. He's worth more than that to me.

And I thought I was worth more than that to him.

My heart stings as it comes apart in my chest like wet paper mâché. This is what I feared, of this feeling right here. I stop for a second and clutch my chest. This pain is more than I can bare.

I take a deep breath, shaking my head to myself. This is stupid. I don't need him to be happy. I can be happy on my own.

The sound of my heels echoing is making my head pound worse than it already was. Screw these heels, I think, ripping them off and walking barefoot down the sidewalk.

I walk and I walk, not really going anywhere. As I round the corner, the lights of the amusement park draw me in like a moth to a flame. I slip my shoes back on, and pay for a ticket to go in.

This place always made me feel better as a kid. I know there are lots of memories here with Doug, but I have lots of other memories here too. I can be happy without him. I just know I can.

People are smiling and laughing as they walk past me. It's hard not to notice how much fun they're having together. I don't need Doug to have fun. I move deeper into the park, walking past a water fountain, and spot a couple sitting on the small wall, snuggling and kissing. They look like they're in love. And I hate them for it. My stomach tightens and twists with anger. I almost want to throw up.

Why do they get to be happy and I'm miserable?

Maybe it's because I've spent my life living behind a wall built out of fear. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of losing someone I love. Fear of being left behind. It's the worst fear to have. To feel like I might not be good enough, and then tossed away when things get too comfortable.

It happens all the time. I watched it with my own two eyes, and saw the pain that it can cause. It's always been important for me to protect myself from it. I have to keep myself safe. I just have to.

I make my way to the swan boats and sit on a bench overlooking the pond. I blankly stare at the few boats peddling around in the water. Tears bubble up over my eyes as the realization sets in that everything is so screwed up now. This destroyed my friendship with Doug. It'll never be the same again.

How can it?

We shared what we were never supposed to share. We broke the rules and destroyed what we had.

I blink, letting the tears break free. They roll down my cheeks, dropping into my lap. And I let them. I don't wipe them away. I look down at my lap, watching the tears as they hit my legs and disappear into the fabric.

One decision, one stupid fucking decision brought me here; saying yes caused all of this. What the fuck did I do? I lean over, pressing my fingers against my temples. I massage my head, trying to work out the crushing ache.

“Hey,” the voice comes in from behind me.

I look over my shoulder and see Doug standing behind the bench. He's the last person I expect to see. But my body reacts anyway despite the pain I'm feeling. My heart skips in my chest and my muscles tingle.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, ignoring my body. I don't want to feel this right now. I don't want to feel the same attraction I've always felt.

There's no room for this lust anymore. We can't be together. The lines in the sand are drawn and they have been for years. What we did is like taking that beautiful sandcastle we built and stomping all over it.

“Why do you think I'm here? I came looking for you. When I realized you didn't go home, I figured you might be here.” He stands quiet for second, then asks, “Can I sit?”

“No. You can go back home. If I wanted to see you, I'd have gone there, and I didn’t.”