Four Keeps

Xavier stands and holds out his hand. When I take it, he pulls me to standing, holds me close, and proceeds to dance us around the courtyard. There’s no music playing, so we follow the rhythm of our beating hearts.

27

Here’s to us

Accompanied by a camera operator, bodyguard, and a crewmember who’s along to ensure that I don’t have any conversations about the show with people from the outside world, I take a long walk in the red rock canyon on Wednesday morning. Natalie will need names from me later tonight, and I’m calling on the peaceful surroundings to give me clarity.

After a short while, I come up with a mind game to help me decide which men I’ll be keeping, and which two I’ll say goodbye to.

One by one, I imagine that I’ve sent a man home – Xavier, for example – and then I gauge my reaction to him leaving. I repeat this process with each man, taking notice of how each potential elimination makes me feel. When I’m done, my decisions are clear.

Friday’s commitment ceremony is broadcast live from the resort in Sedona. Blake Barrows talks about the hard decisions I have to make and reminds viewers that I’ll be visiting the hometowns of the remaining men next week, so it’s important for me to decide who I think I have real potential with.

I’m grateful that I’ve come to a decision that I feel confident about, though I have no idea what I’m going to do at the next ceremony, because I had very strong emotional reactions to the thought of sending home any of the four men I’m keeping tonight.

Caleb’s name is on the first card. He’s followed by Xavier, and then Samuel.

James, Christian, and Gerard remain, each of them looking at me expectantly. I take a deep breath and don’t even need to glance at the card before calling for James. “James, will you commit to our journey for another week?”

“I think you like to make me sweat,” he says with a smile as he accepts the ring.

I don’t know why the producers put his name last in the lineup again. I wish I could tell him that it’s not my decision. I know for a fact that the names aren’t in any order of preference, because I can’t figure out who I like best of the remaining four, or even who I like least.

I’ve never been an indecisive person, but my favorite man seems to be the one I’m with at the time. When I’m with all of them on group dates or at the cocktail parties, no one stands above the rest among the final four of Samuel, Caleb, James, and Xavier. They’re all so different, yet I’m falling for each of them.

Gerard and Christian come up one at a time to say goodbye, and I’m grateful that they’re gentlemen to the end. Though the producers forbade me from revealing my decisions in advance, I tried to give subtle messages to Gerard and Christian with my words and actions at the cocktail party. I wish them well, and hope they aren’t hurt.

After Gerard and Christian exit, Blake Barrows produces a bottle of champagne and a tray of five glasses. James opens the champagne and pours each of us a glass.

The producers prepared me for this moment. I raise my glass and make a toast to the final four.

“Thank you all for being here with me through the ups and downs of this journey. I appreciate each of you opening up to me, and I hope that you’ll continue to do so. I’m looking forward to the coming week, and I’m excited to see where each of you lives and learn more about you. Here’s to us!”

Even though I’d rehearsed the toast, I couldn’t remember it all exactly. I didn’t mean to say “Here’s to us”; that sounded dumb. Which “us” was I referring to? All of us? Wouldn’t that be nice.

I now have just two weeks to narrow the “us” down to myself and one man. I’m so afraid there are going to be broken hearts along the way, and one of them might be my own if I don’t make the right decisions.

28

Every day and every night

Any notion I had of the coming week providing lots of time for me to dig deep into my relationships with each of the men is quickly dispelled as Natalie reviews my schedule with me. I’m in for four straight days of fast-paced dates and late-night travel as I hop around the country for the hometown dates.

Production needs to get the dates done early in the week to allow time for editing. I hope the makeup artists have stockpiled concealer, because it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting much sleep.

My first date will be with Xavier, since his home is the closest. Natalie informs me that I’ll be meeting his parents.