Four Keeps

“Okay. Samuel?”

I hesitate for a moment on Samuel; my feelings about him have been more instinctual and less thought out. “Samuel is not my usual type at all. He’s a self-proclaimed nerd, and I thought we wouldn’t have much in common, and I’m not sure we actually do, but being with him just feels right, you know?”

Natalie nods and takes a sip from the water bottle she’d brought with her.

“He’s more reserved than the other men. He doesn’t express himself as plainly as the others, but I like that he doesn’t throw around easy words, or say things just because he thinks they’re what I want to hear. I’ve always felt comfortable with him, and I know he would be a solid and steady partner.”

“How about Caleb?”

“Caleb makes me feel protected and cared for. And even though he puts so much focus on me, he gets along great with the other guys. He’s always a gentleman – to everyone. And there are major sparks there, though I shouldn’t even mention that, because I’ve got sparks with all four of them. No shortage of sparks whatsoever.”

“Cons?”

I shake my head. “No cons.” Is that strange? Are there things I’m not seeing?

Natalie gets up and paces along the edge of the patio. “I don’t know what to tell you, Olivia. I’m sorry that I have to push you on this, but we have a schedule to keep. Your decision affects how the editors will cut the footage that will air before the live ceremony on Friday. I need to give them a name this morning.”

Tears sting my eyes. I try to hold them in, but it’s as hopeless as choosing among the final four men. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve, but more tears follow, and soon I have my head in my hands and I’m crying hard.

When I manage to compose myself, I look up to find Natalie aiming her phone at me. “Are you recording this?”

She slides the device into her pocket. “I’m sorry. It may seem cold, but you can’t forget there are millions of viewers on this journey with you. If you’re having a hard time, they want to share that with you. They want to feel your pain, because it will make the happy ending that much sweeter.”

I’m disgusted, even though I can’t fault her. I’ve been there. I’ve been one of those viewers, but I don’t think I ever took it seriously or thought about the actual emotions that were behind the tears.

What I need most right now is to be alone, so I give Natalie a name so she’ll leave.

Then I break down.

There are media engagements in the afternoon. I try to get out of them, but Natalie reminds me via text that I’m under contract. I pull myself together, knowing that hair and makeup will be able to mask the signs of my distress.

I order myself to go numb, and that’s how I get through my commitments over the next two days. I’m a shell of a person, going through the motions while feeling like I’m watching it all happen from a distance.

Maybe I should move to Los Angeles and try to become an actress, because I think I do a pretty good job of playing the role of a person who’s not falling apart inside.

Friday evening at the mansion, tensions are high as things are put in place for the live commitment ceremony. The crew is tense, the men seem somber, and my numbness has been taken over by nerves. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through this, but I know I must.

When we go live, Blake Barrows opens with his typical preamble, saying the sorts of things he usually says, but managing to make his words sound. More. Dramatic. Than. Ever.

When I’m given my cue, I pick up the first of the three rings on the tray. After a deep breath, I announce Caleb’s name. He comes forward, gives me a brief kiss, and accepts the ring.

Next, I call James, who looks relieved and surprised not to have been called last. “James, will you accept this ring and commit to our journey for another week?”

“Of course.” He takes the ring and gives me a kiss in return, squeezing my elbow in what I interpret as a gesture of support.

Blake steps forward to inform viewers that there’s one ring left to hand out.

My knees are shaking, and I will myself to keep it together. I take a deep breath, hold the ring, and look out at Xavier and Samuel, though my focal point is over their heads. I can’t bear to make eye contact.

Finally, I say, “Samuel.”

His body relaxes as he comes forward and gives me a hug. “Samuel, will you accept this ring and commit to our journey for another week?”