Wrecked (Dirty Air 3)
Jax’s eyes stay glued to mine. The look in them—mystified and something else—scares me. I step away from his embrace, giving us both some distance.
“That was rather poetic.” He runs a hand through his curls. “You made my answer pale in comparison.”
My eyes watch the sun slowly creeping up into the sky. I don’t want our moment to end, a rare occasion with Jax sharing a part of himself. “Why
did you come out here?”
“Truth?”
“No, tell me the lie.” The poor lighting hides my eye roll.
“I try my best to see every sunrise.”
My heart sinks. For some reason, I thought he came out here to see me. In reality, I encroached on his territory. “I didn’t know that. Thanks for letting me barge in on your morning ritual then.”
“The fact that you’re thanking me for sharing a space with you for ten minutes speaks to how much of a dick I really am.”
“Then why not change? Why have you made it your mission to keep everyone emotionally distant from you?”
He sighs as he faces the handrail again. “Do you believe in fate?”
“Are you actually going to change the subject like that? You didn’t even answer my question.”
“Humor me.”
“Okay…” I think back to my parent’s death. To how fate played a part in taking them away while keeping me alive. But I also think back to other positive moments like Elías getting me a job in F1 or moving away from Mexico for university. “I mean, I wish I didn’t. It seems cruel to think some events are destined to happen like dying young, or sickness, or even trauma. But how else can we explain things that happen? I think people wouldn’t be able to cope with life if they didn’t believe things were meant to happen exactly how they were.”
“Yeah, I believe in fate too. How unfortunately everything happens for a reason, despite some people being too stubborn to accept it. Like you said, sickness, death, life. All of it is a part of the grand scheme of things whether we like it or not.”
“How does this connect to why you can’t be different with me, though?”
“It does.” He looks at me. His eyes darken as emotion floods his eyes, revealing sadness and regret. “Some people see their future in others. Someone they want to spend their life with because they can’t imagine going a day without them. But with you, I see nothing good. You wonder why I struggle to be around you, and that’s valid. It’s because while some are fated to become something great, we’re different. We’re fated from the start to fail. When I look at you, I’m reminded why God is a joke and life is one big ‘fuck you’ moment after another.”
Wow. The heaviness of his words presses against the already building ache inside of my chest. His words hint at a lot more than wanting a friendship, and I’m not sure how to cope with that.
“We can never be friends, can we?”
“No. Spending time around you, wanting more from you than a quick fuck—that’s the reason fate is cruel.”
I’m hit with another wave of sadness. My mouth opens to say something, anything really, but Jax’s hand cupping my face shocks me.
He turns my head gently, hitting me with a look of despair. “You’re the biggest ‘fuck you’ from fate. But it’s not because I dislike you. It’s because I’m terrified of what would happen if I stopped trying to avoid you.”
Mierda. “And what would happen if you do?” I don’t want to give up on asking him questions, not when he is finally opening up to me.
“Something tragic from the start.”
“That’s your perspective. What about mine?”
“Go ahead. Tell me what you think would happen if I stopped avoiding you.”
“Well, if you were able to control yourself more, I think you’d finally feel something in your life other than anger and sadness. Whether it’s from a friendship or a relationship, everyone deserves happiness, including you.”
Jax frowns, pulling his hand away from my face and placing it on the handrail. He turns his head toward the skyline. “Looks like our time has ended.”
“Jax, I mean it. Happiness isn’t something to fear.” I place my hand over his, heating the palm of my hand.
“I don’t fear happiness. It’s more like I fear the despair that comes afterward.”