Delirium (Delirium 1)

Alex I start to say. My voice comes out strange and strangled-sounding.

Stop, he says. Wait. He lets go of my hand, and I let out a little shriek without meaning to. Then his hands are fumbling on my arms, and his mouth bumps against my nose as he kisses me.

Its okay, he says. Hes speaking almost at a normal volume now, so I guess were safe. Im not going anywhere. I just have to find this damn flashlight, okay?

Yeah, okay. I struggle to breathe normally, feeling stupid. I wonder if Alex regrets bringing me. I havent exactly been Miss Courageous.

As though he can read my mind, Alex gives me a second small peck, this time near the corner of my lips. I guess his eyes havent adjusted to the dark either. Youre doing great, he says.

Then I hear him rustling in the branches all around us, muttering little curses under his breath, a monologue I dont quite follow. A minute later he lets out a quick, excited yelp, and a second after that a broad beam of light cuts upward, illuminating the densely packed trees and growth all around us.

Found it, Alex says, grinning, showing off the flashlight to me. He directs the light down to a rusty toolbox half-buried in the ground. We leave it there, for the crossers, he explains. Ready?

I nod. I feel much better now that we can see where were going. The branches above us form a canopy that reminds me of the vaulted ceiling of St. Pauls Cathedral, where I used to sit in Sunday school to hear lectures about atoms and probabilities and Gods order. The leaves rustle and shake all around us, a constantly shifting pattern of greens and blacks, set dancing as countless unseen things hurry and skip from branch to branch. Every so often Alexs flashlight is reflected for a brief second in a pair of bright wide blinking eyes, which watch us solemnly from within the mass of foliage before vanishing once again into the dark. Its incredible. Ive never seen anything like itall this life pushing everywhere, growing, as though at every second its expanding and thrusting upward, and I cant really explain it but it makes me feel small and kind of silly, like Im trespassing on property owned by someone way older and more important than myself.

Alex walks more surely now, occasionally sweeping a branch out of the way so I can pass underneath it, or swatting at the branches blocking our way, but were not following any path that I can see, and after fifteen minutes I begin to fear that were just turning in circles, or going deeper and deeper into the woods without any real destination. Im about to ask him how he knows where were going when I notice that every so often he hesitates and sweeps his flashlight over the tree trunks that surround us like tall, ghostly silhouettes. Some of them, I see, are marked with a swath of blue paint.

The paint . . . , I say.

Alex shoots me a look over his shoulder. Our road map, he says, pressing on, and then adds, you dont want to get lost in here, trust me.

And then, abruptly, the trees just peter out. One second were in the middle of the forest, penned in on all sides, and the next were stepping out onto a paved road, a ribbon of concrete lit silver by the moonlight like a ribbed tongue.

The road is filled with holes, and cracked and buckled in places, so we have to step around enormous piles of concrete rubble. It winds up a long, low hill, and then disappears over the hills crest, where another black fringe of trees begins.

Give me your hand, Alex says. Hes whispering again and without knowing why, Im glad of it. For some reason, I feel as though Ive just entered a cemetery. On either side of the road are gigantic clearings, covered in waist-high grasses that sing and whisper against one another, and some thin, young trees, which look frail and exposed in the middle of all of that openness. There seem to be some beams, tooenormous beams of timber piled on top of one another, and twists of things that look metallic, gleaming and glinting in the grass.

What is this? I whisper to Alex, but just after I ask the question a little scream builds in my throat and I see, and I know.

In the middle of one of the fields of whispering grass is a large blue truck, perfectly intact, like someone might have driven up just to have a picnic.

This was a street, Alex says. His voice has turned tense. Destroyed during the blitz. There are thousands and thousands of them, all across the country. Bombed out, totally destroyed.

I shiver. No wonder I felt like I was walking through a graveyard. I am, in a way. The blitz was a yearlong campaign that happened long before my birth, when my mom was still a baby. It was supposed to have gotten rid of all the Invalids, and any resisters who didnt want to leave their homes and move into an approved community. My mother once said that her earliest memories were all clouded by the sound of bombs and the smell of smoke. She said for years the smell of fire continued to drift over the city, and every time the wind blew it would bring with it a covering of ash.

We go on walking. I feel like I could cry. Being here, seeing this, its nothing like what I was taught in my history classes: smiling pilots giving the thumbs-up, people cheering at the borders because we were at last safe, houses incinerated neatly, with no mess, as though they were just blipped off a computer screen. In the history books there were no people, really, who lived in these houses; they were shadows, wraiths, unreal. But as Alex and I walk hand in hand down the bombed-out road, I understand that it wasnt like that at all. There was mess and stink and blood and the smell of skin burning. There were people: people standing and eating, talking on the phone, frying eggs or singing in the shower. Im overwhelmed with sadness for everything that was lost, and filled with anger toward the people who took it away. My peopleor at least, my old people.

I dont know who I am anymore, or where I belong.

Thats not totally true. Alex. I know I belong with Alex.

A little farther up the hill we come across a trim white house standing in the middle of a field. Somehow it escaped the blitz unscathed, and other than a shutter that has become detached and is now hanging at a crazy angle, tapping lightly in the wind, it could be any house in Portland. It looks so strange standing there in the middle of all of that emptiness, surrounded by the shrapnel of disintegrated neighbors. It looks tiny all on its own, like a single lamb that has gotten lost in the wrong pasture.

Does anyone stay there now? I ask Alex.

Sometimes people squat, when its rainy or freezing.

Only the roamers, thoughthe Invalids who always move around. Again he pauses for a fraction of a second before he says Invalids, grimacing like the word tastes bad in his mouth. We pretty much stay away from here. People say the bombers might come back and finish off the job. But mostly its just superstition. People think the house is bad luck. He gives me a tight smile.

Its been totally cleaned out, though. Beds, blankets, clotheseverything. I got my dishes there.

Earlier, Alex told me he had his own special place in the Wilds, but when I pressed him for details he clammed up and told me Id have to wait and see. Its still weird to think of people living out here, in the middle of all this vastness, needing dishes and blankets and normal things like that.

This way.

Alex pulls me off the road and draws me toward the woods again. Im actually happy to be back in the trees.

There was a heaviness to that strange, open space, with its single house and rusting truck and splintered buildings, a gash cut in the surface of the world.

This time we follow a fairly well-worn path. The trees are still splattered with blue paint at intervals, but it doesnt seem as though Alex needs to consult them. We go quickly, single file. The trees have been shoved away here, and much of the underbrush has been cleared so the walk is much easier. Beneath my feet the dirt has been tamped down over time by the pressure of dozens of feet. My heart starts thumping heavily against my ribs. I can tell were getting close.

Alex turns around to face me, so abruptly I almost slam into him. He clicks the flashlight off, and in the sudden darkness strange shapes seem to rise up, take form, swirl away.

Close your eyes, he says, and I can tell hes smiling.

Why bother? I cant see anything. I can practically hear him roll his eyes. Come on, Lena.

Fine. I close my eyes and he takes my hands in both of his. Then he pulls me forward another twenty feet, murmuring things like, Step up. Theres a rock, or A little to the left. The whole time a fluttery, nervous feeling builds inside of me. We stop, finally, and Alex drops my hands.

Were here, he says. I can hear the excitement in his voice. Open up.

I do, and for a moment cant speak. I open my mouth several times and have to shut it again after all that emerges is a high-pitched squeak.

Well? Alex fidgets next to me. What do you think?

Finally I stutter out, Itsits real. Alex snorts. Of course its real.

I mean, its amazing. I take a few steps forward. Now that Im here Im not sure what, exactly, I was imagining the Wilds would be likebut whatever it was, it wasnt this. A long, broad clearing cuts through the woods, although in places the trees have begun to crowd in again, pushing slender stalks toward the sky, which stretches above us, a vast and glittering canopy, the moon sitting bright and huge and swollen at its center.

Wild roses encircle a dented sign, faded nearly to illegibility. I can just make out the words CREST VILLAGE MOBILE PARK. The clearing is full of dozens of trailers, as well as more creative residences: tarps stretched between trees, with blankets and shower curtains to serve as front doors; rusting trucks with tents pitched in the back of their cabs; old vans with fabric stretched over their windows for privacy. The clearing is pitted with holes where campfires have been lit over the course of the daynow, well past midnight, they are smoldering still, letting up ribbons of smoke and the smell of charred wood.

See? Alex grins and spreads his arms. The blitz didnt get everything.

You didnt tell me. I start walking forward down the center of the clearing, stepping around a series of logs that have been arranged in a circle, like an outdoor living room. You didnt tell me it was like this.

He shrugs, trotting next to me like a happy dog. Its the kind of thing you need to see for yourself. He toes a bit of dirt over a dying campfire. Looks like we came too late for the party tonight.

As we progress through the clearing, Alex points out every house and tells me a little bit about the people who live there, speaking all the time in a whisper, so we wont wake anybody. Some stories Ive heard before; others are totally new. Im not even fully concentrating, but Im grateful for the sound of his voice, low and steady and familiar and reassuring. Even though the settlement isnt that bigmaybe an eighth of a mile longI feel as though the world has suddenly split open, revealing layers and depths I could never have imagined.