The Cheat Sheet

“Yes. I. Am.” I blink furiously at him. “I don’t know how and I don’t know when, but I will find a way to pay you back. And I expect a normal lease agreement to be settled between us! No deals!”

“Can you stop yelling? Your whole ceiling is about to cave in. And seriously, Bree, that smell is getting worse. It might be more than one dead raccoon.”

He’s lost all reason! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! I’m over here telling him our friendship has a ticking clock on it and negotiating a fair rent, while he’s in la-la land talking about raccoons.

“You will not distract me.” I jab a finger right in the center of his taut chest. “It’s time for you to p

romise me you will stop meddling in my financial affairs. Promise me right now or I’m not going with you to Jamal’s party tonight.” I cross my arms and jut my hip out. There. I’m in charge of this show, buddy.

A dangerous glint slowly enters Nathan’s eyes as he steps closer, forcing me to press my finger harder into his chest. “Sorry, but no.” He steps a little closer. “Do you know what it’s like to see your best friend care for every single person under the sun but herself? I watch you pour everything into those girls and their families, going above and beyond to not only give them incredible dance instruction but also make them feel loved in the process. And for some reason, you think that same kindness shouldn’t be extended toward yourself.”

His smile turns defiant now.

“Well, tough, friend. I have millions of dollars and I will spoil you with them if I want. You’re going to have to throw me off a bridge if you don’t want me meddling in your life, because that’s what friends do. So get used to it. Oh, and you’re getting a good deal on your damn rent from now on. So are the people in the pizza parlor below the studio.”

I gasp. “Not fair! You don’t get to go all soft-squishy-teddy-bear Nathan on me!”

“I just did. And if it helps you sleep at night, pretend I only did all of this as charity for your girls. It had nothing to do with you.”

“That’s it. I’m not going with you tonight. End of story. You need to be taught a lesson.” I fold my arms. I am a solid, immovable stone. I will not be swayed!

Nathan’s laugh is the last thing I hear before I’m scooped up and tossed over his shoulder, butt aimed up toward the sky.

“NATHAN! Put me down!” I screech as he carries me out of my room.

“There is nothing wrong with getting a little help in life. Friends help each other get ahead. In fact, I think my next project will be getting you out of this dump.” He knocks a knuckle on the wall and paint chips fall.

“Don’t you dare buy my apartment building and renovate it!”

“I might. I’ve got money to blow, baby.”

Who is this man?!

“You’re unhinged!” I yell at his butt.

“Yep. Feels good too. Now, come on, yell at me some more in the truck. I really don’t want to go to the party tonight without you, and I know you don’t want to miss it.”

I kick and flail. “No way! I’m not going with you. We’re fighting! You don’t get to get your way right now, you big brute!” He gives my behind a single gentle pat after I say the word brute, which makes me gasp with outrage and also want to die laughing. UGHHHH I hate Nathan. Why can’t we just fight like normal people?

“You can’t touch my butt! That’s against the rules,” I say as he walks me back toward the front door, stopping to turn out lights as he goes. My hair dangles in the air below me like a weeping willow.

“I never did see a list written out anywhere.”

“I’ll make you one and laminate it! Why are you acting so weird tonight anyway?” It’s freaking me out. Something about Nathan feels different. He’s always been playful with me, but now he’s… I refuse to let my brain finish that thought.

“I think I’m acting normal.”

“No, you’re not, and I’m not going with you to the party! PUT ME DOWN! Wait, can you grab my tennis shoes? They’re down there beside the couch. And don’t forget my sweater!”

With me still draped over his shoulder, Nathan sumo squats and retrieves my shoes before turning out the final light, picking up my sweater, and taking us into the hallway. He swings me around so he can lock the door behind us, and I find myself face to face with my sweet elderly neighbor Dorthea. Her curlers are in her hair for the night, and her eyes are as wide as saucers.

I smile like everything is normal. “Hey, Mrs. Dorthea. Did you get that stack of coupons I slipped under your door this morning?”

Mrs. Dorthea is a widow, and I know she struggles financially. Since I also fall in the category of struggling financially, the most I can do is clip coupons for her and share my leftovers. More than once, however, she’s thanked me for the hundred-dollar bill she found in her mailbox even though I never gave her one. I thought maybe her memory was just beginning to slip, but now I see the truth. Nathan. I need a paper bag to breathe into. In how many other areas of my life has this man secretly Mother Teresa-ed me?

“Well, yes, honey, I did…but…” She’s at a loss for words since I’m casually thrown over Nathan’s shoulder like this is a normal way for a woman to be carried around in the twenty-first century. Some part of me says I should be appalled to be hauled around by a man like this, but I can’t hear her because the larger part of me is too busy yelling, YES! Carry me back to your cave and make sweet, sweet love to me!

Suddenly, I’m swung around the opposite way, and now my butt is aimed at my poor sweet neighbor.