Desperate to Touch

“You shouldn’t play around when it comes to heart problems.” Bethany’s comment sounds like something Cami said once. With a chill stretching lazily down my spine, my gaze catches a woman in the window the second I think of Cami. She’s gone before I can see her fully. It was just a profile, but I swear it was Cami. She looked just like her.

“Hey, seriously,” Bethany says and reaches out her hand, grabbing my right hand that’s gripping the keys so tight I can feel the sharp edges digging into my fingers.

“Get your medicine and take it.” She talks to me the way she does with the patients she cares so much about.

If I had any energy left, I’d tell her to knock it off. Instead I answer, “I know. I will.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“You need to sleep too,” she adds as she reaches for her purse and we both stand. It’s the first time I get a full view of her getup. She looks like she’s going out on a date in that black silk blouse and dark jeans. “You look like you didn’t sleep at all.”

“I took sweets last night to help.” My comment stops her dead in her knee-high, black-leather-booted tracks. “It’s just to help me sleep,” I add to justify it. “I had a vial in my medicine cabinet from years ago when I first moved here.”

“Sweets? Where the hell did you get sweets?” The surprise is just as evident in her voice as the contempt. As if I’m some sort of drug addict. She knows just as well as I do that plenty of our patients know exactly where to get all sorts of drugs. A lot of them self-medicate before they’re even diagnosed.

“I had problems sleeping a while back,” I explain to her, willing her to calm down. “A patient at the center said it would put me to sleep in an instant.”

“You trusted the crazies?” Bethany says and eyes me like I’m a damn lunatic.

“No,” I object, “although, eventually yes.”

With her eyes closed, she looks like she’s praying for mercy and patience. “I couldn’t sleep; everyone could tell. Margret mentioned it every day. I tried melatonin, valerian—I even tried NyQuil for fuck’s sake, until that wasn’t working anymore. I tried everything I could get over the counter.”

“You couldn’t just go to the doctor’s to get something?”

I shrug and say, “I tried everything; sweets were my last option. But it worked. It just lets you sleep.”

“You know the men who sell it.”

“It helps with addiction… you just sleep through the withdrawal.” I try to justify it, but the truth is that the entire reason I resisted taking my patient’s advice at first is because the sweets are dealt by the same men who sell everything else on street corners.

“If you say so,” she says lowly and crosses her arms.

I’m quick to change the subject and ask, “When do you come back to work?”

“On Monday,” she tells me and then counts the days. “Just four more days. I wish this weekend would be over already.”

“I just switched my shift for tonight. I have today off, but I’ll be working tomorrow and Sunday. I think I’m on for Monday too.”

“Good, let’s talk then?”

“Of course. I have to tell you what you missed at work too.” I scrub at my tired eyes, careful of my mascara. “The world is changing quickly, isn’t it?”

“Yeah it is. Go get your prescription.”

“Love you,” I tell Bethany. Gratitude swarms me knowing I have her as a true friend.

“Love you too,” she tells me earnestly, pouting her lip just slightly and pulling me in for a tight hug.

I think about how I truly thought Cami would be the last person to ever say those words to me.

When I left, I knew Seth would never forgive me, because I couldn’t even forgive myself. I bought a new place with the cash, I settled down and went to school. I didn’t talk to a soul though. I was dying inside until I met Bethany.

Bethany hugs me tighter when I try to let go. She’s stealing the method I use. Only two months ago, I did the same to her. I laugh a little, and she tells me again she loves me. It breaks me so I hold her back even tighter.

“Have hope,” she whispers when I don’t let go, bringing to mind the image of Seth and me together. I finally unwrap my arms from around her and close my eyes, telling her goodbye for now. When I open them, I swear I see that woman outside the window again. The coldness comes back and I swear she looks just like Cami from the back. Goosebumps travel quickly, gracing every inch of my skin.

“Laura?” Bethany’s questioning voice rips me away from the woman and when I look again, she’s gone.