Endless (Merciless 4)

With a quick intake of air, I stiffen the moment I look ahead of me, straight at the open bathroom door.

Even my heart stills, not wanting me to be heard or seen.

Addison doesn’t see me as she pulls her hair into a ponytail. She’s in her head, I know she is. I can practically see the wheels spinning as she walks down the right hall, past the bathroom.

It’s only when she’s out of sight that I even dare breathe.

I still don’t move though. My limbs don’t allow it.

How did I let my life come to this? Where I’m afraid to see the only friend I’m able to interact with because … because why? Because I’m ashamed, and scared, and miserable with who I am and the choices I’ve made, and I can’t tell her any of that… because she’s on the side of the enemy.

That fissure deep inside of me, the one destroying everything in its path, rips me wide fucking open as I walk as quietly as I can to the small half bath and close the door.

The click sounds like the loudest thing I’ve ever heard as I sit down on the toilet and cover my face with my hands.

I feel hot and immediately I have the urge again to vomit as I reach up and my shoulder sends a bolt of pain down my back. Fuck!

I bite down on the inside of my cheek so hard, I can taste the metallic tang of blood. It was worth it not to scream though. Still, I want to scream so badly. I want to get all of this out of me.

I’m stronger than this, but it feels like there’s something inside of me that’s falling apart in a way where I know it will never be whole again.

There’s a line in one of my favorite stories from Alice in Wonderland, that goes something to the effect of, there’s no use to going back to yesterday, you’re a different person than you were then.

I hate that line now. I used to love it. I could have lived by that sentiment, feeling purposeful and fulfilled. Right now? The very idea of that quote forces me to jump off the toilet seat so I can hurl what little I have inside of me into the bowl.

It’s fucking disgusting. The taste, the smell, the burning feeling. And when I’m done, while I’m washing my mouth out with the running water, I don’t feel any better at all.

Deep breaths get me through cleaning it all up. It’s when I’m searching under the sink for a new hand towel to replace the one I used to wipe my mouth that I see the box of pregnancy tests.

Addison.

“Oh my god.” The words leave me in a whisper and for the first time this morning I smile. It’s only a hint of one, but now I have a light that’s growing, if dim. She’s pregnant. I fall down on my ass and lean against the wall as I hold the box of pregnancy tests and wonder what she’s feeling and thinking. She’s going to have a baby. And what a wonderful mother she’ll be. I know she will.

The light inside of me is quick to fade though as I realize she didn’t tell me. But maybe there’s nothing to tell. The thick wrapper on the test I pull out crinkles in my hand and I think back to my last period… before all of this started.

The days have faded and with the shot Carter gave me, I never considered any other reason for not getting my period.

I’m constantly tired, irritated and emotional, and now sick. Sick to my stomach. But sick and tired would also describe anyone in my situation. Still, a heated wave of anxiousness rolls through me until I move to take the test.

Tick.

Tick.

Time passes and my thoughts run wild.

Tick.

Tick.

Time passes as the turmoil and sickness subside, leaving a dust to settle and a clear picture to form.

Tick.

Tick.

I don’t know how long I sit there holding the box.

Or how long I wonder if it’s worthless. If all of this is worthless.

I don’t need a friend. I don’t need someone to love me either.

I need to get the fuck out of here.

Chapter 12

Carter

I can’t get the sound of her pleading for me to forgive her out of my head. The words are etched inside of me, ricocheting around the walls of every room I enter.

Exactly how her words years ago followed me, but these pleas are haunting in a way I’ve never felt.

It was too real.

Even though I’m in my desk chair, waiting on my brothers, I can’t stop staring at where she was last night. I’m still staring at the spot when the door opens and that’s when I glance at the monitor, expecting to see Aria sleeping, but she’s already up and getting dressed.