Unspoken Vow (Steele Brothers 2)

Tools. I’m really hoping that’s a code word for sex toys.

“The thing is, Doc …” Not calling him Ed. No way, no how. “Before my attack, I liked not being in control. I liked being cared for and—” I stop abruptly. Talking about sex with anyone is hard enough. Telling a complete stranger how much you love a dick in your ass is a whole other ballgame.

“And?” he prompts.

“I used to like bottoming and being dominated. Okay, maybe dominated isn’t the right word. I’m not, like, into kink, but—”

“There wouldn’t be a problem if you were.”

I get the sense he’s fishing for me to tell the truth, but I really am. It’s not a dominant versus submissive thing. “I want to let go and let my partner take care of my needs without me freaking out on him.”

He writes something on his notepad, and like when Karen does it, I find myself wanting to ask what’s written there.

Batshit crazy man is batshit crazy is most likely not what it is, but my mind always goes there.

“And what are your needs?”

Being dicked out until I can’t walk … Yeah, I’m not comfortable saying that.

When I don’t answer, he smiles.

“If you can’t discuss it with me, you have to at least be able to discuss it with your partner. I know it’s awkward having to lay all this out to someone you met twenty minutes ago, but I can help you if you want to move forwards with a few more appointments.”

The thing is, I’ve gotten used to talking about my issues with Karen, but like she said, we’ve barely touched on the sex stuff. I want this help. I came here for a reason. But that doesn’t make it any easier to talk openly about problems society may deem … unmanly or emasculating. If a man is impotent, which I’m not but have had those kinds of issues since Kyle in certain situations, he’s seen as less of a man.

“Would your partner be willing to come to a couple of sessions?”

I rub the back of my neck. “Well, I mean … he’s not really my partner. He’s my roommate, and the whole fooling around thing only started a few weeks ago. He … uh, he doesn’t know I’m here.”

Ed Shearon’s disapproving stare is the same as Karen’s. It makes me wonder if they’re related. “You need to tell him.”

“Why?” I croak.

“I know it’s difficult, but if you want to have something real with this guy—”

“His name is Brody.”

The doc nods. “If you’re going to explore a sexual relationship with Brody, then you need to do it in a healthy way. There needs to be an open dialogue, and you need to feel safe. He won’t be able to provide you that if you’re only giving him half of the truth.”

He makes sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

“What’s your biggest fear about telling him?” he asks.

I want to roll my eyes. “You mean apart from the obvious? That talking about your shortcomings in bed isn’t exactly a turn-on? That he’ll put me in the too-hard basket and move on? Then we’d be stuck living with each other.”

“You say you fool around. Could you go into a bit more depth?”

Ooh yeah, pervy Karen will so love me relaying this conversation to her.

“It’s not much of fooling around. I gave him a sloppy blowjob because I couldn’t get out of my head, and he finished us off with his hand, and then another time we rubbed off on each other … or I rubbed off on him while I pinned him to the couch. Same diff, right?”

“For someone with your past issues, I wouldn’t say that’s not much. That’s promising. Is there a reason it’s only been those two times?”

“He doesn’t want to overstep. Each time we hooked up, I restrained him in some way because if I didn’t know where his hands were at all times, I’d start to panic that the switch might flip.”

Dr. Shearon cocks his head. “Switch?”

“My ex-boyfriend, Kyle, he had red-flag behaviour, but never, ever, not once—not even while he was hovering over me with a knife to my neck—did I believe he’d ever hurt me. Brody doesn’t have any warning signs, but I still can’t trust that he won’t flip out one day.”

The doc doesn’t write anything down or say anything. He thinks for a few moments before asking, “Are you able to let go when Brody is restrained?”

“As much as I’ve been able to since the attack, yeah.”

“Well, it’s a good starting point. If you want to keep working with me, I don’t see why we shouldn’t be able to eventually get you to a place where you could bottom for your partner without any anxiety.”

“Really?” I hate that I sound so damn hopeful.

Another warm smile. Normally, I’d be edgy, because being with a hot guy who has brains, one on one … this would’ve been my worst nightmare a year ago. Whether it’s because I’ve laid all my sexual issues out for this guy or that I’m actually getting better, I don’t know. Maybe it’s that even though he’s good-looking, I have no attraction to him whatsoever. All I know is I want to keep working with him. I want to so I can be with Brody, and maybe, just maybe, have some sort of semblance of a real relationship again.