Take It All

“He said that if I don’t leave Celeste alone he’s going to blow our world up, or whatever it is he intends to do. What kind of dirt could he possibly have on you?”

There’s all kinds of business deals I make, but I’ve never done anything illegal or even morally wrong. The only reason someone would have dirt on me is if they made it up. “Lo, I have nothing in my past I’m ashamed of.”

“What about the woman that gave birth to me?”

I notice he doesn’t call her his mother, and with good reason. Heather ran out of here as fast as she could after he was born. I sigh and hate that we have to talk about her, but Apollo will always get the truth from me.

“I’m not ashamed that she ran out; that was her choice. I feel sorry for her that she didn’t get to see how wonderful her son is, and she missed out on the joy of raising you.” I smile at him and see the corner of his mouth turn up as I squeeze his leg again. “No, I’m not ashamed that she left me, and making that public wouldn’t embarrass me either.”

“Okay.” He nods, and it looks like some of that weight has lifted off of him.

“There aren’t skeletons in my closet, Apollo. I don’t have a single regret because it all made me the person and father I am today. If someone believes that they can shame me publicly with my past, then let them go for it. I have nothing to hide.”

His eyes meet mine, and I sit there, letting him decide what to believe. There is a trust between us that’s so strong, and I hope he sees it. As if making a decision, he lets out a long breath like he’s relieved and stands up.

“Thanks, Dad.”

When I put my arms around him, I take a moment to hold my son, because these moments are too few lately. They’ll be even fewer when he goes to college, so I’m trying to soak it up before it’s gone.

He tells me goodnight just as Anna comes back out on the patio, and then I see something that melts my heart. He leans down and gives Anna a hug, and I wonder if he’s missed having a mom. I thought for a long time I could be enough for the both of us. This is just another lesson Anna is teaching me, and Celeste is teaching Apollo. There’s room for more love here in this home and in our hearts as well.

“What was that all about?” Anna asks when we’re alone.

“He was asking about his birth mother,” I say, taking a drink of my wine. Anna stiffens beside me only for a second, and it happens so fast I’m not sure if it was really there. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she says quickly. “It’s been a long day.” She smiles, but then it falters. “I need to talk to you about something, Rory.”

“I guess it’s the night for big questions,” I tease as I turn toward her. “Lay it on me.” When she doesn’t tease me back, my stomach drops, and I take her hands in mine. “Anna, what’s wrong?”

“We’ve never talked about birth control,” she says softly, and my stomach drops a little more. “I didn’t really consider it until this morning, when I couldn't remember the last time I had my period.”

“What?” I snap, quicker than I mean to. My hands feel cold and clammy as I look her up and down. “Are you…are you pregnant?”

Before she can answer me, I’m out of my seat and pacing along the patio. I run my fingers thorough my hair, wondering how the fuck this happened.

“No,” I blurt out and turn toward her.

“No?” Her brows bunch together in confusion.

“I know you’re young, but no. I’m not sharing you.” I shake my head and begin to pace again. This can’t be happening. “Why didn’t I ever go back for that follow-up? Fuck.”

“Rory, what are you talking about?”

I stop, and this time when I look at her, it’s with pleading eyes. “I had a vasectomy after Apollo was born. I didn’t want to chance it ever happening again.” I run my hands through my hair again. “But I was supposed to go back for a follow-up, I just didn’t do it. I thought it was fine and Apollo was so little and it was just me.” I’m rambling now, and I know it. “I’m not ready for our bubble to pop. I want time with you, Anna. I’m selfish as fuck, and I’m not ready for this.”

“Rory.” She tries to get my attention, but I can’t hear her over my own anger.

“Goddamn it.” I pick up the small concrete gnome next to the pool and launch it into the water. I stand there watching the waves, knowing that I’m acting like a child throwing a tantrum, but fuck, I just found Anna. I just got her all to myself. I’m not ready for a baby to come between us.