The Things We Do for Love

Lauren had looked up into Angies eyes and thought: There it is. The love Lauren had looked for all of her life.

"Im afraid. "

Angie had touched her then, so gently. "I know, honey. Thats why you need to do it. "

Long after Angie had left, Lauren thought about it. In her heart, she knew Angie was right. She needed to hold her son, to kiss his tiny cheek and tell him she loved him. She needed to say good-bye.

But she was afraid. It hurt so much to think about leaving him. How would it feel to actually hold him?

It was nearing dawn when

she made her decision. She leaned sideways and rang the nurses bell. When the nurse showed up, Lauren said, "Bring me my baby, please. "

The next ten minutes seemed to last forever.

Finally, the nurse returned, and Lauren saw her tiny, pink-faced son for the first time. He had Davids eyes, and her mothers pointed chin. And her own red hair. Here was her whole life in one small face.

"Do you know how to hold him?" the nurse asked.

Lauren shook her head. Her throat was too tight for words. The nurse gently positioned the baby in Laurens arms.

She barely noticed when the nurse left.

She stared down at this baby of hers, this miracle in her arms, and even though he was so tiny, he seemed like the whole world. Her heart swelled at the sight of him until it actually hurt to breathe.

He was her family.

Family.

All her life shed been looking for someone who was related to her, and here he was, snuggled in her arms. Shed never known a grandparent, a cousin, an aunt or uncle, or a sibling, but she had a son. "Johnny," she whispered, touching his tiny fist.

He held her finger.

She gasped. How could she ever leave him? The thought made her cry.

Shed promised--

But she hadnt known, hadnt understood. How could she have known how it would feel to love your own child?

Im not Sarah Dekker, shed said to Angie only a few weeks ago. Id never hurt you like that.

Lauren squeezed her eyes shut. How could she betray Angie now?

Angie. The woman who was waiting and ready to be the best mom Johnny could have. The woman who had shown Lauren what love was, what a family could be.

Slowly, she opened her eyes and gazed down at her son through a stinging blur of tears. "But Im your mommy," she whispered.

Some choices, no matter how smart and right, just couldnt be made.

DAVID WAS AT HER BEDSIDE THAT AFTERNOON. HE looked ragged, tired; his smile was faded around the edges.

"My mom thinks he looks like her dad," he said after another of their long, awkward silences.

Lauren looked up at him. "Youre sure about all this, right?"

"Im sure. Its too soon for us. "

He was right. It was too soon for them. And suddenly she was thinking of all their time together, all the years of loving him. She thought of their years together; the way he always rambled on about car capabilities and talked nonstop through movies, how he sang off-key and never seemed to know the words; mostly, she thought about the way he always seemed to know when she felt scared or lost and how he held her hand then, tightly, as if he could keep her steady. Shed always love him. "I love you, David," she murmured, hearing the thickness of her voice.