Distant Shores

It worked. Stephanie told several funny "Jamie stories" about how her sister had gotten into and out of trouble. "As usual," Steph said, "Jamie caused the social equivalent of a ten-car pileup and didnt even notice. Tim says she needs a rearview mirror to see her own life. "

Elizabeth laughed. "She gets that from my dad. He never once looked before he leaped. He said it ruined the surprise. " Her voice snagged on the thought: Hes gone.

"Are you okay, Mom?"

"I miss him. "

"I know. Jamies having a hard time with it. She and Grandad were so close. I think its affecting her swimming. And shes not sleeping well. "

Elizabeth sighed. Her poor little girl. Jamie might be all hard shell on the outside, but inside, she had a soft candy center. "Keep your eye on her for me. Ill call her tomorrow after her physical anthro class. "

"I tried getting her to see a counselor on campus, but you know Jamie. She told me to butt out. "

"Youre a good girl, Steph," Elizabeth said. "Do I tell you that often enough?"

"Yes, Mom. "

Elizabeth chose her next words carefully. "Just dont forget how to put Stephanie first. Sometimes, you have to be selfish or life can slip through your fingers. "

"Are you okay, Mom?"

"Sure. Im just a little tired, thats all. "

Stephanie was quiet for a moment. In the background, a television was playing. There was a swell of applause. "Is there something you wish youd done, you know, like besides having kids and getting married?"

It was the kind of question a woman usually came to too late in life, after shed chosen one road and realized it was a dead end. "What makes you ask that?"

"Im watching this program about a woman who killed her kids. It seems she always wanted to be a policewoman. Like that would have been a good choice. Anyway, the shrink is blabbing about how women sublimate their own needs. He compares it to loading a weapon. Someday: bang. "

Bang, indeed.

It would have been easy to deflect, but she didnt want to take the easy way. There were things she should have told her daughters, advice she should have given them. Unfortunately, some truths shed learned too late. "Not instead of; then I wouldnt have had you and Jamie. But in addition to, maybe. I used to love painting. It got lost somewhere along the way. "

"I didnt know that. "

That was, perhaps, the worst of all her failings. Shed been so afraid of her own lost dream that shed pretended it had never existed. How could a woman whod clipped her own wings teach her babies to fly? "I dont know why I didnt talk about it. I used to be something special, though. "

"You still are, Mom. "

"Im thinking of taking a painting class at the local college. " There, shed said it. Molded a dream into words and given it the strength of voice.

"Thatd be awesome. Im sure youll blow the shit out of the curve. "

Elizabeth laughed at that. She hadnt even thought about grades. "You just remember, Stephie, these are your glory years. No husband, no babies, no one to tell you what you cant do. This is your time to dream big and soar. " Elizabeth heard the fierce edge of regret in her voice. It was so easy to see the world in retrospect. She started to say something else, then heard a sound that brought her up short. "Baby? Are you crying?"

"Youre not that inspirational, Mom. I just feel lousy. Now Im getting a headache. I think Im gonna crash. Ill have Jamie call when she gets back from swim practice. "

"Okay, honey. Drink lots of fluids. And tell Tim hi for me. For us," she amended. How quickly shed begun to think in the singular.

"Tell Dad I love him. "

"I will. "

"And tell him to call me tonight. I want to hear how his big interview with Jay went. "

(Jay who?)

"Okay," she said. "I love you. "