Once in Every Life

His arms curled around her, held her tightly against his sweat-slicked flesh. But it wasn't enough. Tess fought a wave of sadness. She was right next to him, almost on top of him, and yet she wasn't close enough.

It?whatever it was?lay between them like a living, breathing presence.

She rolled half on top of him, resting her chin on the hard wall of his chest. The sweet, cloying scent of fresh passion and sweaty flesh filled her nostrils, reminding her with every breath that they loved each other. Desperately, completely.

He wedged up on his elbows and looked at her. A damp lock of black hair fell across his eyes. He smiled, but it was a pale imitation of the real thing, and Tess felt the falseness of it like a raw wound on her heart.

They both knew the truth, could feel it like a cold wind blowing across their love. They were close, but not close enough.

Tess touched his cheek in a bittersweet caress. She thought of all the times she'd dreamed of him, back when

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he was a faceless, restless shadow not remembered with the light of dawn. All the nights she'd lain awake, aching for someone to hold her and kiss her and whisper quiet words of love.

Now she had all that and more.

And yet, with his secret between them, inside him, eating like a cancer through his heart and soul, she wondered if she really had anything at all.

His finger breezed across her trembling lower lip. "What's the matter?"

Tess squeezed her eyes shut. There were so many questions she wanted to ask him; they hung heavy and demanding on the tip of her tongue. But if she probed too deeply, or too soon, she'd scare him away. One wrong question and he'd retreat back into that small, silent place inside himself, and she would be left alone. Worse than alone.

"Lissa?"

She gazed at him through a watery blur of tears. It took every ounce of strength she possessed to shake her head.

He stared at her for a long time. "You want to ask me questions, don't you?" he said quietly.

Her breath caught. Hope spilled through her in an unwanted rush. "N-No. You have to want to tell me."

'Tell you what?"

She felt as if she were walking out on a very thin ledge below which was a hell of a fall. She moved cautiously. "You're afraid of something. Maybe ... maybe if you talked about it, the fear would go away."

Jack paled. "I ... I can't...."

Tess knew she'd pushed too hard. She pressed a finger to his lips. "Shh, don't. We have all the time in the world. It doesn't have to happen tonight."

He tried to look away. She took his face in her hands and gently foiled him to meet her gaze. "I mean it, Jack.

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Whenever you want to talk, I'll listen. I'll listen every night for sixty years if I have to, and I'll never judge you. I promise."

"Why?" The word sounded strangled and far away.

"Because I love you."

He deflated. The fear in his eyes melted into despair and tore a ragged hole in her heart. "The doctors said ..." He squeezed his eyes shut in shame. "I can't talk about it."

Sadness seeped through Tess. She tried to understand, telling herself it was normal. But still she felt betrayed and rejected. She broke eye contact and stared at the bedpost through a blur of tears.

"Lissa?"

She squeezed her eyes shut. Defeat, she reminded herself, was something she knew how to deal with. She knew better than to let a setback get her down. She loved Jack, and she'd never stop trying to reach him. Never.

She opened her eyes and gazed down at him, trying desperately not to feel the tiny, serrated crack in her h