Once in Every Life

Come on, Jacko. We need you!

The memory seized him by the throat. An eerie coldness crept through his body, chilling him to the bone. He shivered, squeezed his burning eyes shut. "I ran as fast as I could, screaming Johnny's name over and over again. I knew he was in trouble, but I didn't know ..." His words trailed off.

"Jack?"

He shook his head. Shame wedged so tightly in his throat, he couldn't talk, couldn't breathe. Tears burned his

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eyes and blurred his vision. He clamped a hand over his mouth to keep from crying.

Lissa eased the hand from his mouth and held it tightly. "It's okay, Jack. It's okay."

A racking sob shook his body, but he held it back, shaking with the effort it took to remain motionless. "The doctors told me to forget about it," he rasped.

"They were wrong," she said quietly. "You know they were. Have you ever been able to follow their advice?"

Full of shame, he shook his head. A hot tear slid down his cheek. "No."

Lissa touched his chin and turned his face. "You have to let it out, Jack. It's eating you up inside. If we have to talk about this every night for ten years, we will."

He blinked back the scalding tears and stared into her earnest eyes. In their depths he found a place of comfort, of hope and belonging. The safe harbor he'd searched for all his life. All she was asking was that he try. Try.

"His ... head ... it ... hit me." Tears ripped from him and turned into hot, aching sobs that rocked him to the core of his being. He squeezed his eyes shut, rocking back and forth as he pushed the hated words out. "I was running, and there it was. Johnny's head hit me in the gut. I ... I grabbed it."

"Oh, God, Jack ..."

"There was blood. So much blood. I felt it seeping through my fingers, and all I kept thinking was, 'It's Johnny's blood. He needs it.' "I couldn't let go of it...." Where were you, Jacko? "I ... killed him."

Lissa touched his shoulder. "No, you didn't. Someone else killed him."

He turned to her. It felt as if his soul were being slowly

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twisted inside out. "Don't you see? I waited. I froze. During the battle. I was a coward, and it killed my brother." "How old were you?"

"Old enough to know better." He looked away, stared hard at the candle's golden flame. "Okay," she said quietly.

He frowned, turned to look at her. "Okay what?" "Okay, you waited thirty seconds. Maybe you were even a coward. But you didn't kill your brother." "But ... but I didn't save him, either." Lissa clambered around and sat on his lap, bunching her skirts up around her legs. Her fingers curled tightly around his shoulders. "You didn't save him. Can you see how far that is from killing him?" "It's splitting hairs, I?"

She shook him, stared deeply into his eyes. "It's not splitting hairs."

He got a glimmer of what she was talking about. It was no more than that, just a shimmering reflection of something, but for a heartbeat, he felt ... maybe.

She saw the fleeting hope in his eyes and nodded. "That's right. Think about it."

He let his breath out in a tired sigh. He'd believed the worst of himself for so long, he couldn't imagine seeing things any other way. "I don't know...."

"Okay," she said softly, "there's lots of time for you to think." She slid off him and plunked onto the floor beside him, curling close. Her cheek was a warm pressure against his arm.

The truth washed over Jack in a wave. She was still here, smiling at him, touching him, loving him. He'd told her the truth, and she was still here. A joy unlike anything he'd ever experienced rushed through him, filled his soul. He sagged against the wall in relief and closed his eyes. Curling an arm around her, he drew her close?so

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