Deep 6 (Multiple Love)

“There she is,” Sandy says, her voice tinged with a breathy whisper that I take to be wistful. We’ve spoken a lot about how she feels not to be raising Sophie, and there is a lot to unpack. I think it’s inevitable that Sandy will hold some regrets. If she’d been older and if I had been around, she never would have agreed to Suzanne adopting our baby. But that wasn’t the circumstance, and she knows she’s given our little girl the best start and given her sister the greatest blessing. There is comfort in that, and a sense of pride too. I think the burden is easier now we’ve talked about what family life might look like for us in the future. Kids are very much a part of that. However many Sandy is prepared to have.

“You ready?” she asks.

“As I’ll ever be.” With a deep breath, I throw open the door and emerge into the morning sunshine. I walk side by side with Sandy up the driveway, and when we get closer, Sophie leaves Suzanne’s side and runs to her as fast as her little legs will carry her.

“Auntie San San,” she says as Sandy bends to give her the kind of cuddle that squeezes tight. Sandy’s eyes are closed, and so are Sophie’s, and the ache in my heart is great. Then Sophie pulls away and looks up at me.

“You look like me,” she says, a little furrow appearing between her eyebrows. I laugh in a big bubbling way that feels like light streaming out of my chest.

“I know. How awesome is that.”

“We have the same eyes.” She presses a hand over one closed lid like a pirate’s patch.

“Eyes like emeralds,” I say. I hold my right hand out. “I’m Tyler. Pleased to meet you.”

Sophie takes my hand gently, her soft little hand so small in mine that I’m scared to squeeze it in case I hurt her. This is the first time I’ve touched my daughter. The first time I’ve felt the warmth of her living skin against mine, and it’s beautiful.

“Mommy told me you gave Auntie San San your seed so that she could make me in her tummy,” she says, cocking her head to one side. I’m so surprised by her frankness that I laugh again.

“Yes, I did.” Glancing at Sandy, I can see amusement dancing in her eyes. “Auntie San San is just awesome at growing seeds, isn’t she?”

Sophie puts her hand on Sandy’s tummy. “I think your seed must be strong too,” Sophie says. “That’s why I look like you so much.”

Sandy snorts with laughter and ruffles Sophie’s hair. “What do you know about strong seeds?” she asks.

“I grew a sunflower at kindergarten. It was the tallest in class, and my teacher told me it must have been a strong seed.”

“Well, your teacher sounds very wise,” I say. I glance up to where Suzanne is standing and find her husband there too, with his arm around her. This is the part I’ve been most nervous about, funnily. I’ve tried to imagine what Vernon will be feeling as a man who’s being faced with the real father of his adopted daughter. There must be an element of territorialism. If the situation was reversed, I’d feel it, for sure. I want him to know that it’s not my intention to tread on anyone’s toes. I don’t want to disrupt Sophie in any way. Suzanne and Vernon are quite obviously doing an amazing job, and Sophie seems really happy.

“Can I show you my strong seed?” Sophie says.

“Of course. Where is it?”

“It’s in the backyard. Come.” She holds her hand out, and I reach for it. It’s so strange to be led by this little girl who’s half of me mixed with half of Sandy. We don’t need to go through the house to get to the backyard. I simply follow Sophie down the side of the house and into a beautiful yard with a treehouse, a swing set, and a sandpit; all the things I would have loved as a child. “There it is,” Sophie says, dropping my hand and breaking into a cute little trot that has her hair flying in the breeze. The sunflower is over six feet tall, with a head so heavy that it’s had to be propped up with a cane.

“Wow,” I say. “It’s as tall as me!”

“It is,” she says.

Suzanne and Vernon appear on the back deck, watching us closely. I get down to Sophie’s level by resting on one knee. “How did you feel when you heard I was coming to see you today?” I ask.

“Mommy showed me a picture of you. I wanted to see the person who looks like me,” she says.

“Auntie San San showed me a picture of you, and I was excited to meet you too.”