Beauty in the Ashes

I knew she wasn’t asking me about my attempted suicide and instead about the break up. I sighed and sat down on the floor, crossing my legs. I picked up a candy wrapper—Memphis was always sucking on Jolly Ranchers—and crinkled it between my fingers.

I pondered her question. “Okay, I guess. It’s been weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I didn’t think I would, but still…I’d like to know he’s okay. I can’t make myself stop loving him or caring about what happens to him.”

“I’m so sorry, Sutton,” she frowned.

“It is what is,” I mumbled and that was the truth. “I tried to call him, even though he told me not to, but his cellphone has been cut off.” I wasn’t sure if I should admit what I did next, but thought what the heck, and told her. “I wrote him a letter. I haven’t mailed it yet. I don’t know if I should.”

“How medieval of you,” she joked. Sobering, she added, “I think you should. Even if you never get back together I think you deserve closure. Don’t you? What’s the harm in sending it?”

She was right. “I think I will.”

“So, when are you kicking Memphis out?” She giggled and picked one of his socks off the couch, wrinkling her nose.

“Uh…don’t you think I’ve tried that? He’s more stubborn than me and that’s saying something,” I laughed. God, it felt good to laugh. “He won’t leave.”

Dropping the sock on the floor, she said, “He might be messy but at least he’s hot.”

That was true. Just because I wasn’t ready for a relationship didn’t mean I was blind.

“Did you just come over here to grill me on Memphis and the catastrophe that is my love life?”

Brutus settled in my lap and began to purr.

“Of course not. I ordered pizza and we’re going to binge watch Supernatural,” she clapped her hands together excitedly.

“My life is so exciting,” I mumbled.

“Hey,” she frowned, “The Winchester brothers are sexy, so this is exciting.”

I snorted. “You need to get out more.”

She narrowed her eyes and opened her mouth to say something but fell quiet when there was a knock on the door.

Just like every time I heard a knock, my heart leapt in the hopes that it was Caelan. But then I’d soon remember that he was gone and it would fall once more.

“Oooh! That’s the pizza!” Daphne clambered off the couch and rushed towards the door. After signing the receipt she shut the door with her hip. “I’m so hungry and this smells so good.”

It did smell good. My stomach rumbled at the smell of it. I hadn’t realized how hungry I was before. I grabbed plates and we settled on the couch to eat and watch TV.

After hours of watching Supernatural I said goodbye to her.

I picked up the letter I’d written days ago and began to read it over.

Dear Caelan,

First off, it seems really weird to send you a letter. I tried to call you and your phone was cut off, so I thought I’d sit down and write this. Although, now that I’m doing it, I feel strange about it. I’m not sure if you even want to hear from me again. I need to do this for myself though. I’m happy you’re getting help and I understand why you ended things. That doesn’t stop it from hurting though. I want you to know that I’m not angry. Love is crazy and ours was one of the craziest—but that kind of love can be dangerous. I hope that when you’re out and come home that I’ll get to talk to you in person. I don’t want us to become strangers.

I’m not sure if you’re allowed to write back, and even if you are and you don’t want to, that’s okay. I needed to get this off my chest.

I live for you Caelan Gregory. Even if we’re not together, that statement will always be true.

Thank you for giving me your love, even if I wish I could’ve held onto it for much longer.

Love,

Sutton

I folded the letter and slipped it into an envelope. I didn’t have the address for the rehab he was at, so I sent Kyle a text and asked for it.