Beauty in the Ashes

He settled me on the couch and draped the blanket around my shoulders.

“We’ll schedule you an appointment to see a doctor in the next few days.” He pressed his lips to my forehead in a soft, lingering kiss. He cleared his throat and stepped away from me. Something about that way he’d said ‘we’ had made my body go cold. He acted as if we were in this together. I hadn’t ever had anyone in my life before that treated me the way he did. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. I was fighting my feelings for Memphis tooth and nail, but they were there and they weren’t going away. I couldn’t help but echo his words in my head.

Maybe one day.

???

My fingers tapped against the arm of the chair I sat in. I didn’t think I had ever been this nervous in my entire life. Sweat dotted my skin and I couldn’t get enough oxygen to reach my lungs.

Memphis sat beside me, his leg bouncing up and down restlessly.

“You don’t have to be here,” I reminded him for the tenth time that day.

“I know,” he assured me, “but I want to be.”

I didn’t argue with him, because the fact of the matter was, I needed him. Without him, I wasn’t sure I could do this. I didn’t know what made me do it, but I reached over and entwined my fingers with his. He smiled and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

I knew I should be brave and face this alone, but I was tired of doing everything by myself. For once, I wanted someone else to be the strong one while I crumbled.

I held my breath as I waited for my name to be called.

I was beyond nervous and while a part of me hoped I was pregnant with Caelan’s child, because then I’d have a piece of him forever, there was another part that hoped I wasn’t. If I were having a baby, this would change my whole life. In the span of a few minutes I could be told I was going to be a single mom. I wasn’t stupid and I knew raising a child was a huge responsibility.

My name was called and I stood slowly, wiping my sweaty palms on the fabric of my jeans. I thought I might pass out. Memphis stood too and put a reassuring hand on my waist.

“Do you want me to go back with you?” He asked. “I assumed you wanted me to stay out here, but I’ll go if you want me to.”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, biting my lip as I eyed the nurse waiting for me.

“How about this, I’ll go back with you and if you change your mind at any time, I’ll leave? Sound good?” He peered at me with clear gray eyes. He was far too kind to me. I didn’t deserve him.

I nodded and still holding hands we walked to the nurse. She led us through the office and into a private room. She gave me a gown and instructed me to change in the connecting bathroom. I could hear the blood rushing through my body. There was still a very real possibility that I’d pass out.

When I exited the bathroom Memphis had his back turned so that he didn’t see anything that he shouldn’t.

I sat down and waited.

“It’s going to be okay,” Memphis murmured as he took my hand once more.

“How can you say that?” I peered up at him. “This isn’t your life. Or even your child if I’m pregnant. You can walk away at any time. We’re not a couple,” I laughed humorlessly.

He chuckled. “Why do you doubt me? You’ve never asked me to be here, so did it ever occur to you that maybe I’m here because I want to be?”

Moisture clung to my lashes. “You shouldn’t want to. Not after everything I’ve put you through.”

He clenched his teeth, grinding them together.

The doctor walked in and my throat became dry. She asked me the normal questions and I answered them as best I could. When it came down to time for the ultrasound, Memphis asked, “Do you want me to go?”

“No,” I grabbed on to his hand and held on tight. “Please, stay. Don’t leave me.” My words encompassed more than this moment. I didn’t want to lose him at all, but realistically I knew the chances of him sticking around were slim.

He nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Everything after that happened in a blur. It was like I was there in body, not in mind. I pretty much shut down after the doct

or confirmed I was having a baby. There were so many things running through my mind. Memphis had to basically carry me out of the doctor’s office. I couldn’t seem to stop crying either—I was going to blame that on pregnancy hormones.

Memphis parked the car and I finally looked up. I expected to be parked outside the apartment, but instead there was a restaurant in front of us.