Bring Me Back

I can smell it from here. “I’m not very hungry.” Now that I’m home, all I want to do is crash. It’s been a long day.

She frowns. “Blaire—”

“I’ll eat later,” I promise her. “I just need to lie down for a while. This was exhausting.” Even though I actually liked Group, it was pretty draining. I spent so much time worrying about what it would be like that I think I used up all my energy.

“All right.” She sighs. “If you want some in bed, just text me.”

“Thanks, Mom.” She brightens at my words, and I frown. Is this the first time I’ve told her thank you? I hope not. She’s been doing so much. Feeding me. Keeping the house clean. Heck, she even got my checkbook and paid the bills when it was obvious I wasn’t going to do it. “I love you,” I tell her, and lean over to kiss her cheek before I head upstairs.

If there’s one thing Ben’s … death … has taught me, it’s to love and appreciate everyone you care about. Young or old, they can be gone too soon.

Once in my room, I kick off my shoes and head into the bathroom.

I pull out my tampon and wipe. Nothing. Not a drop of blood now. My period has been non-existent since two days ago when I thought I’d started. Now, I’m not so sure that what I saw was actually my period.

I finish up and wash my hands but I can’t get it off my mind. I shower and change into my pajamas. I grab my laptop off the chair in my bedroom, where I’d left it last night, and get fixed in my bed. I Google spotting. I bite my lip nervously. According to the almighty Google gods, spotting can be normal during the first trimester of pregnancy but it’s not a sign of pregnancy.

I close the laptop and set it aside.

My heart is racing, but I don’t want to get too excited. I’m so afraid of being disappointed again and I don’t know if I can handle the crushing pain I felt after the last pregnancy test I took.

I turn on the TV and try to distract myself.

It’s futile, though. I can’t get it off my mind. I need to know.

I slip out bed and downstairs. My dad is parked in front of the TV like usual but my mom is nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Mom?” I ask, tiptoeing into the kitchen. I don’t know why I’m sneaking around. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong.

“She said she was going to take a bath,” he answers.

I nod and open the trashcan. I don’t have to rifle through it very much, because we’re not messy people. I pull out the pregnancy test, still wrapped in the plastic bag from Walgreens.

“Whatcha’ doin’, Kid?” he asks. I pull the box out of the bag and drop the plastic bag back in the trash. He raises a brow. “Thought you didn’t need that?”

“I didn’t think I did, either,” I whisper, turning the box over in my hands. I open the box and pull out the white stick. Rip it off like a Band-Aid, Blaire. I tell myself.

It’s better to know now.

I head into the hall powder room and pee. I put the cap back on the test and head out to the family room, sitting down beside my dad.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” I tell him. My throat is thick with unshed tears. I’m scared. I still want this even though I shouldn’t. I’m not in a good place mentally.

“It’ll be okay, Kid.” He pats my shoulder. “Breathe,” he adds.

I exhale. I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding my breath. “How long has it been?” I ask.

“Twenty-seconds. Cool your jets.”

I sigh and set the timer on my phone. I place the pregnancy test on the table so that I’m not looking down at it every few seconds.

“It’ll be okay, Blaire. Either way.” I know he’s picked up on my tension.

I nod once woodenly. There’s nothing else I can do right now but wait.

When the timer on my phone goes off in my lap, I jump. I press the button to stop it and then I sit there. I’m completely frozen, terrified to move.

“Do you want me to look first?” he asks me.